I know I haven't updated in a while. But I also know that no one is reading this anyway, except for one person. And that's a maybe.
It's been a hard week. Sometimes you feel like you know everything. Something always will come along to remind you that you don't. When you think you know everything, that part of you that knows you don't has such a small voice, you can barely hear it.
When you don't, it just won't go away. It drowns out every accomplishment you've ever had and your little inadequacies are stripped bare an naked, frothing and infectious, and it's all you can see and the bad parts of you haunt you like something you killed that's rotting in the most hidden parts of your soul.
What a mess.
Every day is a new starting point with new obstacles to overcome and new beauties to discover. As I get older, that obstacle course just seems to get more and more daunting. I hear it doesn't get any better.
I'm graduating soon and I'm terrified. Life reveals to you the complexities of this world at every turn and you can either view it as a landscape so striking that it renders you incapacitated by its beauty, into a drunken stupor of elation.. sometimes it's so daunting and overwhelming though that the notion of even beginning to understand it makes you tired. I guess I'm tired.
I have been reassuring everyone that there's nothing to worry about and that graduating isn't a terrifying thing. That even if you don't know what you're doing, that no one does. I guess it's true. But I'm having a hard time believing it myself.
There is a big tear in my heart between pursuing my ambitions and just plain wanting to be happy, here, in the moment- with what I have.
It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was frightened of going to college. I'm so much more frightened of leaving it.
Now that this is out o my system, I'm going to try and sleep this disposition off. I guess that's what journals are for, right? Or at least what they used to be. Before they were distributed on the world wide web, just another stage on which to cry out helplessly for a reaffirmation that we're not completely alone. Because we are, in a way. And that's okay.
It's been a hard week. Sometimes you feel like you know everything. Something always will come along to remind you that you don't. When you think you know everything, that part of you that knows you don't has such a small voice, you can barely hear it.
When you don't, it just won't go away. It drowns out every accomplishment you've ever had and your little inadequacies are stripped bare an naked, frothing and infectious, and it's all you can see and the bad parts of you haunt you like something you killed that's rotting in the most hidden parts of your soul.
What a mess.
Every day is a new starting point with new obstacles to overcome and new beauties to discover. As I get older, that obstacle course just seems to get more and more daunting. I hear it doesn't get any better.
I'm graduating soon and I'm terrified. Life reveals to you the complexities of this world at every turn and you can either view it as a landscape so striking that it renders you incapacitated by its beauty, into a drunken stupor of elation.. sometimes it's so daunting and overwhelming though that the notion of even beginning to understand it makes you tired. I guess I'm tired.
I have been reassuring everyone that there's nothing to worry about and that graduating isn't a terrifying thing. That even if you don't know what you're doing, that no one does. I guess it's true. But I'm having a hard time believing it myself.
There is a big tear in my heart between pursuing my ambitions and just plain wanting to be happy, here, in the moment- with what I have.
It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. I was frightened of going to college. I'm so much more frightened of leaving it.
Now that this is out o my system, I'm going to try and sleep this disposition off. I guess that's what journals are for, right? Or at least what they used to be. Before they were distributed on the world wide web, just another stage on which to cry out helplessly for a reaffirmation that we're not completely alone. Because we are, in a way. And that's okay.
Hang in there