hexek

This will be the most honest, forward, and startling journal of my SG history.

Hold on this ones gonna be long.

I have done wrong, I have been someone else, I have lied. But this is me now, this is who I am, this journal is me and Im sorry. I wrote an email to some people in my life explaining some recent actions of mine. I dont necessarily understand my actions, but in the back of my head somewhere I saw them as good. I feel it is better to post a journal entry to all then to send this email. SO if you were expecting one from me, this goes to you.

Im going to apologize now, this is going to piss a lot of people off, but its my feelings and its the truth so if Im chastised for it then oh well. You dont know me, nor do you unconditionally accept me. And hopefully youll forgive me for being too open on a public forum.

Im not worried about anyone in my life knowing the true me. Im not worried anymore about being not accepted and Im sorry if people on this site know the different parties involved. This site is a good place to rant, and whether its about another member or not, it still is a good place to do it. I will change the names and deny everything but my words will be true.

Well here goes..

Last year I met this girl. She was not like any other girl. She was beautiful, funny, and the way that she accepted me was incredible. She was the valley girl / popular cheerleader type who never would consider looking my direction normally, or so I thought. We started becoming friends and I was told how her dad got fat and people treated him different so thats why she gives people chances. But things were great I could talk about anything, do anything, and say anything. (Except Fart) Well this girl was constantly giving me attention and was constantly around me. I dont know if it was the attention from someone who would never usually give me (the fat guy) time of day, or the fact that I genuinely was just falling for this girl.

But then things changed, I met her dad, who is one of the nicest men, but he wasnt fat, he just had a small beer gut, nothing big. This worried me. I was three / four times his size! She would tease me about sex and kissing and I was so nervous around her all of a sudden. I was into her for her acceptance of me and our mutual acceptance of each other. And though I would like to eventually sleep with her it was far from my mind. Mainly because it was surreal, and I didnt want to like her for physicalitys. Im not like that, or so I thought.

But things started turning more, she had mental issues with men from her past and I had an uber-bitch ex wife. We both decided that we couldnt be in a relationship though we had both teased about it. So I placed a line there because I thought she only wanted to be friends. But the teasing continued, so I told her not to call not to write, nothing. If she wasnt going to either be my friend or be my girlfriend it was to confusing for me and I was embarrassed to continue anything with her.

After a few weeks apart we ended up talking again. She said she teased cause she wanted to get close and if I was patient she would get closer. And then things changed again. We ended up sleeping together and not ever putting a name on it. Every time it came up it was in the back of my head of just shut the fuck up man, look at what youre sleeping with!! But it was wrong. I had the emotional attachment with her before but it was dissipating, I no longer wanted her for her emotions I think I wanted her for her body. I constantly was trying to see if something was there I would be around her at parties or other friends to see if she would act like she wanted to be with me, but no. It was all closet romance, and not even that really. It was like we gave each other pleasure. She wanted me for my massage and for my closeness (I.E. She knew me and was comfortable around me.), and I wanted her cause of her outside beauty and for the whole ideal of fat and beautiful in society dont mix. And I had beat the stereotype.

I tried many times to see if I was wrong, and just didnt see it in her, but this truly was all that she wanted. I was told to not tell people, and to keep it quiet. I was told she wouldnt be with anyone else and she would tell me when she did go to someone else. I felt used, I felt like someone who was not respected and appreciated for the things I had done I felt like shit. I felt whored out and felt like she was ashamed to admit she was with me.

This was the deciding factor for me

All the times we were together in bed. We kissed maybe twice. In all we have only kissed maybe 3 or 4 times. Actually I think it was once only during sex. How does that sound? Is this a girl who wants more then sex? Is it wrong of me to stay in this? It is difficult for me to even sleep next to her because she doesnt cuddle, which was one of her coolest features in our early history. She stopped doing it, and I would be the only one holding on, and I would feel embarrassed cause of my size or whatever, so I would roll over or sleep elsewhere. Does that sound like happiness to you? Any man would just play along and take what they can get, but its not ME!

So any who, in a nutshell. I stepped into her past and tried to help her close her chapter about an asshole ex boyfriend who used the excuse, Oh shit Im still married? He needed to leave her to finish his divorce and still loved her and over a mere six months was just the greatest man. But time is not an issue here, cause Im terrible with that so Im moving on. Any who this guy cheated on his wife and was separated from her and had this friend of mine fall for him. He left and never said another word to her, and went back to his wife. First of all, most of this is speculation, and from facts Ive found out and put together, but Id bet thousands on its truth.

So she is calling me and this was our mutual connection, love and loss. But she was getting worse from my view. I helped her find him and get closer to him to try to get answers. He hung up on her and she was losing sleep over the whole issue. She was crying every other night to me now about how much hurt she had. So I did the typical man thing, I lied got his number and confronted him.

This fuckin coward had played this girl and told me to tell her to fuck off pretty much; he had no compassion no regret, remorse, nothing he wanted me to handle it and said he would never talk to her again. So I lied again and told her I needed to talk to her about issues of mine. I couldnt tell her over the phone or over the internet. It wouldnt have been right. So I got her to come over. I told her in the mopst understanding and lightest way I could. She was hurt by him and me. She expressed herself and took it well cause she pretty much knew that but now it was actually said from his mouth. She cried over him expressed her anger for me and not really even wanting to(from my part), we slept together again. No kissing, no cuddling, done, finished lets sleep, leave in the morning. And shes still mad at me. In fact if youre reading this still youre a true friend and probably know who she is on here. Sorry girl, but I have to get it out too. Dont be afraid, people arent going to judge, trust me.

So yes, I lied. I was nosey and wanted to try to get answers for her and help her. I didnt expect her to even talk to me today and I expected to lose a friend. But this issue of me hurting her and her hurting me is just unknown to me now, what the fuck should I do?

I know what your thinking, Is the fat guy ever going to shut up? Well, no. Im getting it out and if you dont want to read then dont, just say, WOW thats a long entry sorry I only look at hot naked punk rock girls, and then just leave.

But here is the other side of the hurricane. I met someone absolutely wonderful on this site. She is by far the smartest girl I have ever gotten close to. She understands me, except for the above situation (yes she knows all about it), and she is totally there for me all the time. We have talked about literally everything and for once in my life Im attracted to someone that I dont need to save. (Ref. Hero Complex) This girl knows more about me then my own mother pretty much and shes an SG member

I have stayed on the phone for hours and days with this girl, seriously and not just listened to each other breathe, but actually have meaningful conversation the whole time. We would go back and forth just asking questions about each other and learning about each others inner workings. This girl was amazing, where the fuck has she been my whole life. She made all others pail in comparison especially my previous relationships. And the best part was, shes a big person like me so physicalitys were never an issue. Im not trying to look like something Im not, Im all emotions and Im all me, 100%.

I have studied her and her pictures. She is gorgeous both inside and out. Her smile, her stare, her heart, and her soul are just amazing. I know I am only seeing pictures and even though she can take them on her phone and send them to me immediately, Im still just hooked on her total beauty. I can be me and I can listen to her and understand her. I can question her and she can question me, we can explain things to each other and though we have different views its like we still have un understanding for the other person, respect that and can agree to disagree. No bullshit, she is unreal, genuinely amazing. So, I have tried to understand how and why I might feel some strange feeling for this woman I have never met.

This is where it gets weird; I do not normally condone or even fathom the possibility of a online romance blooming. I dont think its possible for me and I think it would be a waste of time. Im too fresh out of my other relationships and I have this issue with the girl above. But if Im not on this computer, at work, or sleeping, Im talking to her or my above mentioned friend. And most of the time its this new online girl, sorry woman.

Well here is the thing, one night tired and falling asleep while on the phone with this girl I said the words that you dont use unless they are real. She told me that I would be stupid if I didnt know how she felt truly, deeply inside her heart about me and I ended up telling her I know and I told her I loved her. It was so weird I havent said that in so long and meant it. The last person I told that to was my ex-wife who I was just trying to fix things with. I meant it in the beginning but it was a dead meaning now. This time I had goose bumps. I said it and was confident I was being honest with not only her but me as well. Is this true? Have I fallen in love for a woman, incredibly who Ive never met over the phone and site? Is that bad?

BTW did I mention she lives 3000 miles away? We tease about her coming out here to visit or me going there and I think I am going to fly there to see her and my mom next month. I have to see this girl, look into her eyes and I will know I suppose. I mean I know it now, but I wont truly be comfortable until its in person. This is also the problem, what if something did happen? I cant move due to my job, and shes never been out here in Cali. I would totally give it a shot though and would welcome her arrival. She has considered after meeting to do a semester in school out here. But is that to weird to talk about?

I feel bad though, Im saying this to her and being physical with the other girl. Thats not right and its wearing down on me emotionally. I hate myself and dont understand what I should do. I hate hurting people and if I leave one I dont necessarily have the other, though I would be truer. And if I left the other one and stopped talking to the other to be with the one whos in front of me right now, then Im not happy. Either for the fact that she doesnt want me like that, or we have had to many problems up to now.

Im lost, in my heart that is. Dont get me wrong Im strong in every other aspect and this SGIE thing is far from over. I will continue to hang out with these awesome individuals and group or not we are SGIE.

I just dont know where my heart is and if I am worthy of using it at this point in time.

This is so hard for me, my emotions that is. I dont want to hurt people but I am sick of getting hurt. I dont feel loved and feel truly alone in the world. Im not going to do anything stupid, Im just expressing it. I know I moved to fast after my previous failed relationships, but Im a lover and love being in love. I love compassion and I love that bond you can have with someone that is just so surreal. Im needy and have a lot of love to give. Im more scared of this world then I want to admit. I feel like Im over my head and I need a vacation, though Im officially on one right now. I know Im gonna get shit from this, but I want my mommy.

I know exactly how this journal is going to be read from these to women too. I ask you to please understand and respect my honesty. Know that Im true. Know that you both are in my heart but I need stability. K, you should have opened up to me, you should have expressed yourself more. All I needed was answers. And M, Im sorry I had to write it here I know its not right but. I needed to. Both of you please understand and dont take it out on each other. Im not going to contact either one of you either. You read this and if you accept it and still want me in your life then call me. Im here, always have been, always will.

If you truly read this I thank you, you are a true friend and I appreciate you taking time out of your day to come into my worlds. If at any time you need something of me, Im here.

Sincerely,

Geoff