headonist

HEADONISM: AN INTERVIEW WITH TUTTIFROOTI

Here, dears, is the latest in my ongoing series of chats with SG friends and semi-strangers, The Headonism Interviews.

Here is a convo with mischievous Tuttifrooti. You mustnt be fooled by her ice cream moniker and cuddly demeanor. I tell you, shes a secret schemer. Read, reply, repeat! And show her some chatty affection of your own.

* * *


1) Allow me to start with some brazen interpretation: To me, your chosen SG name suggests playfulness, retro-teen innocence, pastels, ponies, and girliness -- and, most shockingly, a rather subdued sexuality, at least by SG standards. Am I reading this right, or am I way off? Would you say the name reflects your real life self, as well as your SG side?

Well, you're mostly right. If given a list of every adjective in the English language, I'm pretty sure "subdued" would come second to last in describing me (last place would have to go to "male", for obvious reasons). However, online, I feel like the creepiness that is rather characteristic of me in real life would be taken wrong, particularly in this environment. I also think that calling myself something along the lines of "SeXiBiGuRl69" would reflect poorly on me, and I am a somewhat proud person.

There's also the fact that my original name on here (KiwiFroot) is a nickname I'm well known by in real life, and having my face next to that name would not go over well when looking for jobs in the real world (particularly in my chosen field of education... yeah)

I'm pretty sure Tuttifrooti is an accurate reflection of me- also a delicious sort of frozen yogurt. I am a blend of Italian and poor spelling.


2) Oooo oooo, lets talk about your creepinessin real life! What makes you supposedly creepy? Is this a creepiness that everyone detects, or just friends, or just strangers? Are dogs, children, and houseplants unnerved? Is it a sexy creepy?

Haha, I am really just aggressively flirtatious (with people who are attracted to women and of legal age.) I still haven't grown out of my 15 year old self who will make absolutely anything sexual. The only difference is that now I've actually gotten laid (oh, and occasionally I can hold my tongue a little better).


3) Aha, you cant fool me -- youre in a deep and squishy relationship with a fella you blog deliriously about. In my best 70s talk show host voice, I ask: so T.F., can you share any scrumptious details with our studio audience?

It is rather deep and squishy... since he's a member, though, I probably shouldn't share anything TOO salacious. I will, however, say that our anniversary has recently passed on November 14th and he is absolutely amazing and Mary Poppins-esque (practically perfect in every way). He will also laugh at me for comparing him to Mary Poppins, regardless of the fact that I meant it lovingly and in a flattering way, so maybe I should go with Lion O from Thundercats and say that he... uh... has a big sword and a deep voice? Take that as you will.


4) Congratulations on your anniversary. I can see Id be getting nowhere by piloting the conversation into murky, lewd waters, so Ill steer a course for frothy banter. You are an admitted nerd. Do not deny it; its all over your blog and profile. But what kind of nerd are you? Science nerd? Art nerd? And now that nerds are curiously popular, do you feel you have to defend your genuine nerdness against the shallow posturing of these nerdy-come-latelies?

I am a nerd indeed. Primarily of the science and language persuasion, with a touch of musical theater nerd, but I can be sweet-talked into math by the right person. I am also a Muppet nerd, a sub-genre of the pop-culture nerd.
I don't quite understand the pop nerd thing, but I guess since emo became big, anything is possible. I do need to defend my authenticity- I take every opportunity to point out that my spectacles contain actual prescription lenses and I am legally mandated to wear them while operating a motor vehicle. I also frequently challenge anyone who says "oh, this food is so high in antioxidants!" to explain to me what antioxidants are (science geek bit)... I have yet to meet someone who can (and no, I'm not telling. Though I'm sure the all-knowing Google has the answer.)

The only flip side to my nerdery, as may be evidenced above, is my touch of a superiority complex.

Damnit. Figures I'd make a mistake on that answer. On the down side, not flip side.


5) My audience demands of me salaciousness and priapic preoccupation, so Im afraid I must be audacious, now, and talk sex. Nerd sex. Nerdy nerd titty tit poke poke. In the Venn diagram of the set [Nerd] and the set [Sex], please describe the qualities and elements in the overlapping region.

The overlapping region is clearly my apartment. Other items include pocket protectors for lube packets and mountain dew flavored condoms. On an unrelated note, does anyone really use flavored condoms? Out of curiosity in high school once a female friend and I bought a box and they tasted like chapstick.


6) Ive never bought a flavored sex aid, unless you count vodka. Tell us a bit about this so-called apartment you mention -- this den of nerdly ardor -- this lair of lascivious languor -- this Tuttifrooti treehouse teepee? Please give us a descriptive tour, with particular hovering over unique decorations, personal touches, and secret passages.

The apartment isn't very exciting. It sits among dozens of others in very similar buildings. However, the interior is clearly superior to any other.
Once you're in, there's the couch (which I have to mention to everyone because it's really new and the best thing I've ever gone halfsies on.) which currently has my bottom as well as Brad's planted on it. In front of the couch is the coffee table that holds my laptop, school stuff, and an assortment of crap (I'm a packrat- not quite a hoarder, but I am also convinced that maybe someday need that pencil case that my mom bought me last year that I haven't touched since she sent it, so I shouldn't throw it out.)

On the walls are an MC Chris poster, a Godzilla poster, a Cyanide and Happiness Ascent of Man poster, a 30 Rock calendar, a Rat Pack poster, a painting, a clock, a framed picture of me and Brad that each of our parents got for the holidays last year, a Propaghandi poster, and two more small Godzilla posters.

Then there's the TV with video game consoles and audio geek speakers. To your left there is a sliding door. Open door?
Y

Out the door is a porch that extends two paces from the building, and is four paces wide. There are two purple beach chairs on it.

Back inside there are some guitars (Brad's), a violin (mine), and a whole bunch of shelves for records, CDs, DVDs, Blu-Rays, games, and books.

There's a kitchen furnished with the best appliances the 1970s had to offer and some food... mostly frozen veggie burgers and oatmeal.

And if I can go full-on Cribs for a second, once you pass the shelves and turn right, that's where the magic happens... or sleep, whichever.
Going back into the hallway and turning right will lead you to the bathroom.

And that's it!

I'm pretty sure there are more words in this description than there are square feet in the apartment.


7) Ive sketched your apartment on graph paper for future role playing adventures. (I failed the saving throw? Great, the fucking ramens burnt now)

Isnt this interview going well? I think its going very well. Were all the way up to Question 7. What should Question 7 be? I think, for Question 7, we should abruptly change course and talkpolitics?

Yes, politics! Are you, would you say, a politically-minded individual? Whats your general take on the progress of President Obamas administration? What is your take on the Tea Party phenomena? Go ahead: be daring: offend us!

I wouldn't call myself terribly politically minded - I believe that the government should provide ways to obtain the necessities of life (health care, food stamps, Head Start [perhaps I'm biased because I volunteer there, but it is a really fantastic program] and the like) for people who are for whatever reason unable to get ahead in the capitalist system. I also believe that people should have as much personal liberty as they can - their rights only end where someone else's begin. With that, I also think that a government should place reasonable restrictions on companies as far as minimum wage and pollution.

I think the Tea Party is painfully, profoundly American. Someone started a movement with their personal political agenda, and then it got turned into a clusterfuck of ignorant asshats who are mainly in the news for physically beating people who differ from them.

I think Obama's heart is in the right place most of the time, and he is making progress, but like most politicians, should worry less about being re-elected and more about what is the right thing to do.


8) I wish we could linger on each of these topics -- theres a great cheery political debate Im itching to get into -- but no, sadly, were limited to 10 questions, and finite patience, and we must scamper along like gadflies.

The theme for much of our discussion, youllve noticed, is domesticity. Lets keep at it: tell us a bit about your vegetarianism. First off: right on. (Im loudly vegetarian myself.) Secondly, how did you become vegetarian? Thirdly -- is Brad? (I havent dated a non-vegetarian in years, and Im always curious how that works.)

I became vegetarian at 13, after spending 6 years fighting with my parents to let me do so, after reading something about vegetarianism in a book- I do not remember which, I just remember that the concept made sense and felt right. Brad is not vegetarian, but he eats a lot of fake meat with me (for instance, he is preheating the oven for veggie burgers as we speak) and we almost never have meat in the apartment. The only time we do is when he brings pizza home from work that has pepperoni or chicken on it. I don't try to force him-or anyone- to become vegetarian, because a) people will do whatever they want, and b) more importantly, people have a right to do whatever they want.


9) Ahhhh, personally I feel people have a right to do whatever they want, but an obligation to do what I tell them to. Six of one half My vegetarianism arrived later and messier than yours, but -- like all good religious converts -- I compensate for early ambivalence with passionate conviction.

I write to you, Tutti, on Thanksgiving morning. Im in a strange apartment, sockless, contemplating the drive Home. Last night I dreamt of freckly redheads and New York train platforms, danger and sex at every turn. There was a whole to-do about an umbrella, and a cable box. I love my dreams.

Question 9 demands: tell me about your dreams. What happens youre your feverish, nerdy subconscious is given nightly free reign? Because this is potentially a vague question, please illustrate with Three Extremely Affecting Dreams youll always remember.

And I respond on Black Friday morn, after finishing the first hour at work and awaiting my return at 1.

My dreams are always weird, frequently nightmares, and often cat-based. I honestly think I've had more dreams about talking or otherwise anthropomorphic cats than any other kind.

Last night was an unusual sort. I had to bake a pie for school (weird) and ended up making quiche (less weird; it's technically a pie, and I would totally do that if I was assigned baking for homework). Then, I was lured into a car by three people- two men and a woman, though I don't remember any of their physical characteristics (a common theme in reality as well- I have no recollection of what people look like, outside of a few people who I remember by hair or one specific feature- I kid you not, I can best identify my boss by her eyelids). All three were very high on a drug that seemed to be THC and LSD combined, though it was unnamed in the dream. They were trying to poison me with some powder that could be absorbed through the skin, but started by trying to get me to partake of the fun drug first. I fought and there was a lot of testicle smashing on my part (I don't know why that stands out, but maybe Freud would have something to say about it) but the men didn't respond and the woman just continued to try to poison me.

It continued in this manner until I woke up to my alarm- problem completely unresolved.

As for the Three Dreams, one would have to be a dream I had when I was maybe 3 years old. All I remember of it now is that I was playing with my Lamb Chop doll in the dream, when it suddenly came to life. At first I was thrilled, because obviously Lamb Chop is the best children's character ever. Shortly after she came to life, she began berating me terribly, and I started literally beating the stuffing out of her. I woke up and just wanted to apologize to the doll, but obviously my inanimate one wouldn't work. I tried for WEEKS to dream about the living doll again so I could say I was sorry, but to no avail. I'm sure any therapist worth their salt would make a comment about tiny me wanting to apologize to a doll who started off insulting me, but I'm gonna leave that alone.

The second Dream is another from when I was really young, this time maybe 6 or 7. I keep using dreams from that long ago because I figure after 15 years, they will definitely be dreams I'll always remember.

I was at home with my parents, and needed to find my mom. I found her and started talking, and her response was something fairly aloof (I don't remember words from this, just emotions) and she walked away. I went to smooth her hair because something was wrong with it, and accidentally pulled off a mask, revealing that it wasn't my mother at all- it was another adult who I knew from the synagogue my family belonged to who I never really cared for. At this point, however, I was terrified and couldn't figure out what she'd done with my mother. Finally after much screaming, my mom came downstairs to where I was and explained that she needed to get some cleaning done and had asked this woman to wear the mask so I wouldn't suspect anything.

This one I mostly remember because even after I woke up, for several months I was worried that my mom wasn't actually herself, and any time she came from a direction I hadn't seen her go in, I would internally panic. When I was awake, though, the worry wasn't that she was the woman from the dream, it was that she was some soulless clone.

Dream the third is a recent one, where I was sexually attacked in a situation similar to one I've actually experienced, except the two guys were basically cats. Their bodies were covered in fur, they had paws for hands and feet, and they had cat heads.

That one was just all sorts of fucked up and it still sort of unsettling now


10) Firstly, hello. Im awfully sorry for responding after so long a drag hiatus. Things do get so busy

Secondly, thank you for the three great dreams. I feel, as dream archivist, that I should be bottling them for resale.

Thirdly -- here we are, at the end of our interview adventure. The temptation is to ask you a jackass final flip-the-tables question, as I did with brilliant Tigerwong-- but Ill restrain myself. Im growing.

My question -- this drinky quiet dark weekend night -- is this:

Ive spent nine questions exploring your cozy, fuzzy domestic life, from apartment to boyfriend to dreams. Question 10 is your chance to wreak revenge. Question 10 asks: Please tell us in daringly direct and quite possibly sexually frank language something that would shock your readers to learn about Tutti? Is there anything that youd like to tell us to wickedly sway our cozy, fuzzy notions about you?

Well, my managers were shocked the other day that I own sex toys (nothing exciting, but they're both in their 30s and don't own anything of the sort). I don't think it should come as a surprise that I am attracted to women as well as men. Perhaps my exhibitionism would be surprising, though. My biggest sexual fantasy is probably public sex/nudity.

Also, if you go to the browser history on my Safari for iPod Touch, the most visited website is literotica.com.

* * * * *

Thank you, Tuttifrooti, for a lovely interview and for an eleventh hour right turn towards Kinkville -- and thank you for leaving us wanting more!