HEADONISM: AN INTERVIEW WITH TIGERWONG
Today we debut a shiny new feature here on my blog: The Headonism Interviews!
In an effort to get to know those I know, I've badgered several SG friends to answer ten questions, one at a time, The conversations turned out to be tender, thought-provoking, and silly. They're filled with great stories and personal musings.
In the weeks and months to come, I'll post the interviews one at a time, as treats interwoven among my usual rambles. I hope you enjoy -- and if you do, please take a moment to reply to the blog and let my interviewees know what you think. In our talks, we stir up so many strange and keen topics -- and I hope you'll join in discussing them with us.
First up, an interview with Tigerwong. Like most of the people I'll be interviewing, I met Tigerwong when he replied to one of my SG blogs. In doing so, he showed excellent taste -- and much greater bravery than I usually manage. Here's our conversation:
* * *
1) First off, Tigerwong, congratulations on your feature in The Art of SuicideGirls -- and for the gorgeous accompanying art. I feel silly for having only noticed this now. Ive been so SG-lite lately.
Anyhow, lets talk art as a gentle start. You mention having worked as a commercial artist. Lets pretend that commercial and financial considerations arent an issue, and you were free (you had the time, materials, etc.) to pursue whatever you like. Would it be some form of art? What, aside from aesthetic beauty, do you like to convey through art?
Thank you! It was such a delight to even be asked to be featured by Suri and then for my profile to go up so quickly was just like OMG!!! i was literally "squee"-ing.
If i had all the resources and time that i wanted, i would definitely pursue my animation career as hardcore as hard as i possibly could. i have two martial arts focused, animated series that ive had in my head and on paper for years now, one of which has half a season of script outlines written. i would push those whole hog and get those made. It's been a dream of mine for SO long.
What i like to convey through art, besides beauty, is definitely action and movement. Martial arts in particular is a passion of mine in life and in my animation. So when im not drawing something sexy it's almost always martial arts action of some kind. But definitely movement. One of my life drawing teachers said that i tend to draw the "movie version" of people when i draw them, and it's definitely because i add motion to my subjects that sometimes isn't there in real life. So yeah, motion.
2) Right: I need recommendations for martial arts and samurai movies. Ages ago I started in with classy Kurosawa pics, but Ive happily worked my way down through Shaw Brothers, Zatoichi, and 36th Chamber of Shaolin. What should I be watching?
Martial arts movies.. ok, i'll just off what i have in my collection:
Naturally there's the theatrically released stuff:
Crouching Tiger
Hero
House Of Flying Daggers
Forbidden Kingdom
Unleashed
Then there are domestically released dvds:
Azumi
District B13 (martial arts and Parkour)
Fist Of Legend
Flashpoint
Gorgeous
Heroes of the East
Once Upon a Time in China (pretty much all of them)
Ong Bak (and really, ANY Tony Jaa movie if you don't care about plot and just really want to see people get their asses kicked)
The Princess Blade
Star Runner (it's kind of like Rocky)
Warriors Two (you might have seen it if you've gone thru the Shaw Bros. already)
And then there are bootlegs:
Dragon Tiger Gate
Stormriders I and II
Chocolate (same director as Ong Bak)
Sha Po Lang
And just about anything with Lau Kar Leong in it.
3) You see? This brilliance is why I talk to people. These are fantastic; thanks so much. I should shift topics, though; its too easy for me to discuss only film, music, and literature recommendations. Moving on, now that I have you confused by light banter, lets dismantle your psyche.
As you know, Ive read your non-SG blog, and I remarked how much you seemed to want to unite parts of your life that were otherwise separated or hidden: family, sex, art, etc. At the same time, you have what I consider to be an extremely open, integrated online life: via SG, we know about your real name, job, Flickr, Devianart, etc. You seem either comfortable being so open -- or as if youre daring yourself to be so open. What do you think?
The main thing is that i really want to be open and honest and up front about everything with everyone and i hate how uptight people are about sex and sexuality, etc. I'd like to be able to talk to my family about the art that i do and have done professionally (including erotic art), i'd like to talk to my friends about my life and i feel like more and more of it is becoming "taboo" or whatever and it totally shouldn't be. We're all adults, we're all sexual, there's no reason that acknowledging that should always be off limits.
So the reason i let it all hang out online and often connect my real name to things (mostly my artwork) is because, maybe in some kind of backwards way i want people to find out, and then if/when they challenge me on it i'll just tell them "so what?" Or if they press me on it, it can lead to a real conversation about who i am and why i've done what i've done in whatever case. This has happened in some ways. I've had artwork hanging out when my parents came to visit and that's sparked some conversation, usually with my father. So that's a start.
That's kinda passive-aggressive sounding, isn't it?
The reason i don't feel bad about doing that is the fact that as my artwork progresses and gain more of an audience (if even marginally) i'm going to be doing more and more of it and it will be more and more difficult to keep under wraps. So why not just be open about it from the beginning, right? Also, on the internet nobody really knows me so i'm free to be as open as i want, because, unlike with my family, nobody on the internet knows anything about me aside from what i put out there. So i can make up a new persona from whole cloth, or i can just be as honest as i'd like to have been all along. I've chosen the latter, obviously.
That was a little rambly but i think that answered the question, yes?
4) A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it. I write to you from the rank black corner of a smoky bar. I have an Internet connection, so I can grab your message, and look up the verbatim Wilde quote -- but still, its rusty going back here. The soundtrack veers wearily from neo-folk to Pixies, and onwards to ironic gospel. Its a turbid Tuesday twilight, and Im afraid this is shaping up to be one of those mealy questions that reveals more about the interviewer than the interviewee.
Wilde has a point, is why I bring him up. A life of honesty is a heaven: irredeemably dull. Do you find no joy in subterfuge? Do you find no relief in disguise? Have you no pride of concealment? I once had the chewy notion that I would pursue an antiseptic honesty in my lifeonly to find that I could hardly resolve all the things I wished to be to others, let alone myself. Now I hide and pinch and prune the truth, and my joys are twofold: the experience, and the lie.
So my smoky back-corner question to you is: tell us, tell the world, at your discretion, one wee, delicate, dainty, precious, smellorific secret that no one hitherto fore knows.
Second question first:
...I can't think of one. At some point i've told SOMEBODY. Either it was my wife, or my really close friend, but i can't think of anything that i haven't told one or both of them. And anything else, they probably assumed anyway. If i think of something i'll let you know.
As far as finding joy in subterfuge, i do kinda like that. But i like sharing a secret with a few select people, and having that close-knit group of confidantes, as opposed to not sharing with ANYONE. With the former, I have that one or two other people to whom I can give a knowing look or nod or wink. If i don't share a secret with anyone, i'm the only one who's in on the joke and it's not as funny.
I think that the reason i have my non SG blog is so i can have my one close knit group of people who know about deeper stuff. I posted a link to it in my SG blog a while back knowing full well that only three people max were going to actually read it. But i thought that maybe if i could share with some people and if some of these people wouldn't be repulsed or otherwise turned off by what i write there, then maybe i'd have my little close knit group. That's basically what happened.
I recently started bellydancing. I've posted a few little bits about it here in announcements, but nowhere else (except for FetLife), because i feel safe enough putting that here. But as much as i'd like to share with my wider group of friends on Facebook, my family reads that, and they'd think that it was weird, or "gay," or whatever, and i don't want to deal with that. I'd recently posted a status update that said "i'm just so bored with everything." My mother in law replied that i should try something new. Now, obviously, i am trying something new with the bellydancing, and i love it, and i'm feel more of a sense of accomplishment with that, than with anything in a long time.
BUT...
I can't tell her that. She already thinks i'm weird, and i don't want to deal with more comments from her about how weird she thinks i am. Similarly, i feel like i have to hide it from my brother in law, and that's even harder because we LIVE with him. But again, i don't want to deal with the "gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" comments from him. In that way, i guess there's joy in subterfuge, if for nothing else than i don't have to deal with the pain of ridicule, that's a false joy.
Reminds me of a bit in Gundam Wing. Heero Yuy (the main character) remarked that since the bad guys had taken over and put their government and police force in place, yes the world was peaceful, but only because people were scared to speak or act. And then he said that he'd use his Gundam to put an end to this false peace. That's basically what this feels like for me. I'm free from ridicule because i don't express myself, but it's not true joy because i don't really feel *free* to express myself or not at all times. I feel forced not to.
5) Alright, its time to cleanse the palate with a chipper, brief, direct, shallow question: Do you have any particular SG crushes? Any mesmerizingly adorable faves? Do dish dish dish dish dish.
Honestly there hasn't been a particular SG model who's gotten my attention in a REALLY long time.
I tend to gravitate toward certain body types sometimes: small to moderate breasts, round hips, round ass, but aside from that... i couldn't really say. There are WAY too fuckin' many SGs. The only one who's maintained my attention is Tita; she makes me go "wow" every time, but that's about it. The only other SG who REALLY grabbed my attention married me. ^_^
I have pseudo crushes on a few members, but i feel stupid talking about that because i've never hung out with any of them or talked to them long enough to develop any kind of real connection.
6) Goodness, look there atTita Let meI shouldget on with theinterview
See, though, see, see, heres my problem: Tita, and many many too too many others, are fascinatingly beautiful and fascinating. And not just the attractive and freely sexual, but the intellectual, and the eccentric, and the unapproachable -- the legion of desirable people whose lives will never intersect with mine -- which is to say. the vast majority of humanity. And I am woeful upset, and torn between a blistering jealousy -- to be a part of such lives! -- and a reclusive, contrary urge to run away once and for all and hole up with books and to hell with the too-big world.
Does everyone feel this way? How do you resolve this need to be a part of strange new lives and your limitations? In marriage, especially, how do you resolve your attraction and desire for other people with your love and commitment for your wife?
Well, we've never been monogamous, so that's one thing. I guess i'm just kinda used to it at this point, but that's been an interesting process.
When we first started dating, we weren't exclusive because we lived an hour away from each other and generally had separate lives. As things moved forward and we got tighter and tighter, we had a few discussions about our feelings toward each other and our non-monogamous status. It was the first time i'd ever really considered the idea and it brought a few things to my mind.
First off i had to think about what sex meant to me, and why i'd always considered it to be so important that i only ever have sex with one person. That mostly came from my christian upbringing, which i wasn't adhering to anymore. Since that was out the window i had to re-think what sex itself meant to me. By this point i'd already done my first scene, so the whole concept of sex and sexual pleasure had been pretty much exploded and i was putting that back together. The REALLY short version of my conclusion to that is this: If all i require to receive pleasure in a BDSM context is that someone be skilled and attentive, why do i need to be all in a "relationship" to give or receive sexual pleasure in any other context? There's a little more to it than that, as i've discovered that i much prefer to actually have a connection with some besides the sexual, but basically that's how i think about it.
My wife and i both are attracted to people besides each other, and the main thing is that we communicate to each other as openly and honestly about it as we possibly can. When it comes to any kind of jealousy, we talk about that openly and honestly as well. We do have a not-hard-and-fast rule that we both have to like the "other" if things are going to work. It becomes a much bigger deal of the other is turning into a long term thing, but that hasn't happened yet.
The other really interesting thing is that it turns us both on to think about each other with someone else (especially everybody digs everybody). So there's that too. The main thing is that we love each other first and foremost. Anybody else is secondary. Or tertiary. Or whatever.
As far as strange new lives and my limitations... i'm just trying to work with my limitations. Main thing is that i'm trying to stay as realistic with my expectations as i can ( i don't typically try to flirt with anyone not in the same city, for instance). Finding other polyamorous people, or even just people who are comfortable with my polyamory is difficult, but all i can do is talk to people and be upfront when i'm attracted to them, and hope for the best.
7) Do I ask a lot of fraught questions? I think I do. I think I burrow after miseries at worst, conundrums at best. But that cant be helped: conflict is the foundation of narrative. The only counterbalance to it is love, of course -- and thats why one reads the narrative.
Anyhow (my favorite introductory adverbial modifier), lets soldier on with something spritely. Name three television series youve seen in their entirety, with a short blurb for each explaining What Drew You To It.
1. Avatar: The Last Airbender. This was a show where as soon as i heard about it, i HAD to watch it, and i was not disappointed. I own all three seasons, and re-watch them pretty often. The things that drew me to this series: great animation, an actually serious storyline, very well rendered martial arts, and a very unique and well developed world that Mike and Bryan created. I was sucked in right away. The series finale alone is worth the price of the entire series. Seriously.
2. .hack//sign. Another animation; what drew me to this was the fact that the whole thing actually took place inside an MMORPG, and that the whole .hack (it's pronounced "dot hack") universe isn't just the tv series. It's a card came, it's at least four actual playstation games (that are not online, btw, they just simulate it), it's a book series, and there are three or four manga series as well, and ALL of the storylines intersect at one point or another. I like that kind of immersive experience when it comes to stories.
3. Firefly. The sad thing about this is that i saw it in the wrong order. I saw the Serenity movie first, and then watched the series, so i already knew the fate of certain characters. But what i really liked about it was the fact that despite whatever adventure they were on or peril they were in, you got to really see the characters as people. They were written about as realistically as one can in a sci fi universe, and i liked that. Also, Morena Baccarin and Summer Glau are hot.
8) Sorry its taken me a few days to get back to you, I was justsitting aroundthinkingofoh, oh Summer Glau
Sorry. Right. Ive got you for two of your three: Im a Joss Whedon fanatic, and I have an underplayed .hack//sign PS2 game around here somewhere. The game seemed lovely, but Im not much of a gamer anymore. Meanwhile, Joss Whedon is the absolute ginchiest, andandtheres alsoSummer Glau
Sorry. Doubleright. Whoop whoop wheep! Yep, that alarm means that its time for our On The Couch Round, in which I give you a series of words or phrases and you respond with the first word or phrase that comes to mind, preferably revealing anxieties, sexual deviance, subconscious villainy, and twisted gleeful lunacy. Go!
Mother!: fucker
Alligator!: meat
Australia!: aborigine
Masturbation!: fun
Mall!: rat
Cat o nine tails!: catwoman
Nicolas Cage!: Kick-ass (the movie)
New Jersey!: ninja
Spankathon!: ass
Beethoven!: fifth
Beautiful creamy feet!: idiocracy (specifically the scene where that woman is cutting steak with her feet on the "the masturbation channel")
Aluminum siding!: clang
Summer Glau!: dollhouse
The French!: vampires
I have to say that it was kinda hard to pick out the FIRST thing that came to mind for any of these, because for each thing there was a flood of references. I just tried to pick out the clearest one.
9) My god: New Jersey!: ninja and The French!: vampires are keepers. But now I see were as far as Question 9, and its time for the tenor of the talk to once more go wistful.
Life is fast and we are slow. Our dreams and intentions ever outrace our daily slog. All the way up in Question 1, we talked about what you would pursue in animation if you had the chance, but what about your other dreams deferred? All the things you promise yourself youll accomplish, buy, discover, or make -- all the small and large personal, sexual, even ethical goals that stay stubbornly undone? What remains on your Grand To-Do List?
If you knew the twists and turns my mind took with the trains of thought that led to those associations, you'd laugh even harder. Or maybe just be really confused.
Anyway, as far as things left undone, there are tons.
A lot of art projects, that's for sure but those are the kinds of things i could still do, because i kept the notes for all of them.
There are lot of situations i look back on where i wish i knew then what i know now, thats for sure. I wouldn't have been so shy, i would have made moves sexually where i didn't originally, etc etc, but honestly those aren't worth thinking about.
The main thing i wish i'd done differently in life in general is that i wish i'd gotta my degree, either time i'd gone to school. I'd be much better off jobwise, if i'd done that. Other than that, i dunno.
Sorry i don't have much else to say on this... but yeah if i had a degree i'd be way better off career-wise, and i think i'd just be happier all around. AS far as the rest of my grand to do list... i want to keep doing martial arts, i want to keep belly dancing, i want to keep animating. AS long as i have the space to do these things, i should be fine.
10) I think my question was a little poorly worded; I was thinking less about regrets, and more about hopes -- exciting, elusive things that you just havent found the time or resources to pursue. Nonetheless, youve given a perfectly lovely answer, and we must move onever moving on
Its a right chilly day here, and Im sloughing in bed when I should be at the cafes, writing and whittling away the day. Its terrible to be lazy when you should be languid.
You are the first SG friend to get through ten of my interview questions. As a reward, your tenth question is this: what question would you ask me, if you could ask anything, and Id have to answer?
After reading your last blog entry i do have one question:
Why redheads? I mean i think redheads are attractive to look at, but what are your reasons?
Okay, so, actually, with that final word from you, we have finished our beautiful first interview! I asked Number 10, you responded, and we are concluded. Everything after this is purely foamy epitaph.
* * * * *
For a refreshing change, I'll answer the question directly. I dwell on redheads for nearly the same reason the witchfinders did: because they seem otherworldly. The freckles and opalescence...
But of course, the witchfinders and I have made the same mistake of confusing the rare for the valuable. Really, it's just a hair color. I know that. There's nothing endemically interesting about a person for their hair -- or practically any other physical trait.
So perhaps the real reason I fetishize redheads is because I've never been with one?
But I haven't been with many many types and varieties of people. Most, really. So why...?
Ultimately I shrug: Here's something intangible, sparked by something from childhood or the environment, something long forgotten: a girl on the schoolbus, a nurse, a TV show, a doll, an aunt -- who knows what wicked connections and unsanitary Rube Goldberg machinations drives the lust? And who knows what desperate sublimations our egos impose so as to produce something acceptable to our conscious minds? And the mystery of it forms part of the magic. My fetishes are small pieces of my religion -- resisting words and causes while driving passion.
* * * * *
Thank you, Tigerwong, for your intelligence, wit, kindness, openness, and above all patience.
Today we debut a shiny new feature here on my blog: The Headonism Interviews!
In an effort to get to know those I know, I've badgered several SG friends to answer ten questions, one at a time, The conversations turned out to be tender, thought-provoking, and silly. They're filled with great stories and personal musings.
In the weeks and months to come, I'll post the interviews one at a time, as treats interwoven among my usual rambles. I hope you enjoy -- and if you do, please take a moment to reply to the blog and let my interviewees know what you think. In our talks, we stir up so many strange and keen topics -- and I hope you'll join in discussing them with us.
First up, an interview with Tigerwong. Like most of the people I'll be interviewing, I met Tigerwong when he replied to one of my SG blogs. In doing so, he showed excellent taste -- and much greater bravery than I usually manage. Here's our conversation:
* * *
1) First off, Tigerwong, congratulations on your feature in The Art of SuicideGirls -- and for the gorgeous accompanying art. I feel silly for having only noticed this now. Ive been so SG-lite lately.
Anyhow, lets talk art as a gentle start. You mention having worked as a commercial artist. Lets pretend that commercial and financial considerations arent an issue, and you were free (you had the time, materials, etc.) to pursue whatever you like. Would it be some form of art? What, aside from aesthetic beauty, do you like to convey through art?
Thank you! It was such a delight to even be asked to be featured by Suri and then for my profile to go up so quickly was just like OMG!!! i was literally "squee"-ing.
If i had all the resources and time that i wanted, i would definitely pursue my animation career as hardcore as hard as i possibly could. i have two martial arts focused, animated series that ive had in my head and on paper for years now, one of which has half a season of script outlines written. i would push those whole hog and get those made. It's been a dream of mine for SO long.
What i like to convey through art, besides beauty, is definitely action and movement. Martial arts in particular is a passion of mine in life and in my animation. So when im not drawing something sexy it's almost always martial arts action of some kind. But definitely movement. One of my life drawing teachers said that i tend to draw the "movie version" of people when i draw them, and it's definitely because i add motion to my subjects that sometimes isn't there in real life. So yeah, motion.
2) Right: I need recommendations for martial arts and samurai movies. Ages ago I started in with classy Kurosawa pics, but Ive happily worked my way down through Shaw Brothers, Zatoichi, and 36th Chamber of Shaolin. What should I be watching?
Martial arts movies.. ok, i'll just off what i have in my collection:
Naturally there's the theatrically released stuff:
Crouching Tiger
Hero
House Of Flying Daggers
Forbidden Kingdom
Unleashed
Then there are domestically released dvds:
Azumi
District B13 (martial arts and Parkour)
Fist Of Legend
Flashpoint
Gorgeous
Heroes of the East
Once Upon a Time in China (pretty much all of them)
Ong Bak (and really, ANY Tony Jaa movie if you don't care about plot and just really want to see people get their asses kicked)
The Princess Blade
Star Runner (it's kind of like Rocky)
Warriors Two (you might have seen it if you've gone thru the Shaw Bros. already)
And then there are bootlegs:
Dragon Tiger Gate
Stormriders I and II
Chocolate (same director as Ong Bak)
Sha Po Lang
And just about anything with Lau Kar Leong in it.
3) You see? This brilliance is why I talk to people. These are fantastic; thanks so much. I should shift topics, though; its too easy for me to discuss only film, music, and literature recommendations. Moving on, now that I have you confused by light banter, lets dismantle your psyche.
As you know, Ive read your non-SG blog, and I remarked how much you seemed to want to unite parts of your life that were otherwise separated or hidden: family, sex, art, etc. At the same time, you have what I consider to be an extremely open, integrated online life: via SG, we know about your real name, job, Flickr, Devianart, etc. You seem either comfortable being so open -- or as if youre daring yourself to be so open. What do you think?
The main thing is that i really want to be open and honest and up front about everything with everyone and i hate how uptight people are about sex and sexuality, etc. I'd like to be able to talk to my family about the art that i do and have done professionally (including erotic art), i'd like to talk to my friends about my life and i feel like more and more of it is becoming "taboo" or whatever and it totally shouldn't be. We're all adults, we're all sexual, there's no reason that acknowledging that should always be off limits.
So the reason i let it all hang out online and often connect my real name to things (mostly my artwork) is because, maybe in some kind of backwards way i want people to find out, and then if/when they challenge me on it i'll just tell them "so what?" Or if they press me on it, it can lead to a real conversation about who i am and why i've done what i've done in whatever case. This has happened in some ways. I've had artwork hanging out when my parents came to visit and that's sparked some conversation, usually with my father. So that's a start.
That's kinda passive-aggressive sounding, isn't it?
The reason i don't feel bad about doing that is the fact that as my artwork progresses and gain more of an audience (if even marginally) i'm going to be doing more and more of it and it will be more and more difficult to keep under wraps. So why not just be open about it from the beginning, right? Also, on the internet nobody really knows me so i'm free to be as open as i want, because, unlike with my family, nobody on the internet knows anything about me aside from what i put out there. So i can make up a new persona from whole cloth, or i can just be as honest as i'd like to have been all along. I've chosen the latter, obviously.
That was a little rambly but i think that answered the question, yes?
4) A man who marries without knowing Bunbury has a very tedious time of it. I write to you from the rank black corner of a smoky bar. I have an Internet connection, so I can grab your message, and look up the verbatim Wilde quote -- but still, its rusty going back here. The soundtrack veers wearily from neo-folk to Pixies, and onwards to ironic gospel. Its a turbid Tuesday twilight, and Im afraid this is shaping up to be one of those mealy questions that reveals more about the interviewer than the interviewee.
Wilde has a point, is why I bring him up. A life of honesty is a heaven: irredeemably dull. Do you find no joy in subterfuge? Do you find no relief in disguise? Have you no pride of concealment? I once had the chewy notion that I would pursue an antiseptic honesty in my lifeonly to find that I could hardly resolve all the things I wished to be to others, let alone myself. Now I hide and pinch and prune the truth, and my joys are twofold: the experience, and the lie.
So my smoky back-corner question to you is: tell us, tell the world, at your discretion, one wee, delicate, dainty, precious, smellorific secret that no one hitherto fore knows.
Second question first:
...I can't think of one. At some point i've told SOMEBODY. Either it was my wife, or my really close friend, but i can't think of anything that i haven't told one or both of them. And anything else, they probably assumed anyway. If i think of something i'll let you know.
As far as finding joy in subterfuge, i do kinda like that. But i like sharing a secret with a few select people, and having that close-knit group of confidantes, as opposed to not sharing with ANYONE. With the former, I have that one or two other people to whom I can give a knowing look or nod or wink. If i don't share a secret with anyone, i'm the only one who's in on the joke and it's not as funny.
I think that the reason i have my non SG blog is so i can have my one close knit group of people who know about deeper stuff. I posted a link to it in my SG blog a while back knowing full well that only three people max were going to actually read it. But i thought that maybe if i could share with some people and if some of these people wouldn't be repulsed or otherwise turned off by what i write there, then maybe i'd have my little close knit group. That's basically what happened.
I recently started bellydancing. I've posted a few little bits about it here in announcements, but nowhere else (except for FetLife), because i feel safe enough putting that here. But as much as i'd like to share with my wider group of friends on Facebook, my family reads that, and they'd think that it was weird, or "gay," or whatever, and i don't want to deal with that. I'd recently posted a status update that said "i'm just so bored with everything." My mother in law replied that i should try something new. Now, obviously, i am trying something new with the bellydancing, and i love it, and i'm feel more of a sense of accomplishment with that, than with anything in a long time.
BUT...
I can't tell her that. She already thinks i'm weird, and i don't want to deal with more comments from her about how weird she thinks i am. Similarly, i feel like i have to hide it from my brother in law, and that's even harder because we LIVE with him. But again, i don't want to deal with the "gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay" comments from him. In that way, i guess there's joy in subterfuge, if for nothing else than i don't have to deal with the pain of ridicule, that's a false joy.
Reminds me of a bit in Gundam Wing. Heero Yuy (the main character) remarked that since the bad guys had taken over and put their government and police force in place, yes the world was peaceful, but only because people were scared to speak or act. And then he said that he'd use his Gundam to put an end to this false peace. That's basically what this feels like for me. I'm free from ridicule because i don't express myself, but it's not true joy because i don't really feel *free* to express myself or not at all times. I feel forced not to.
5) Alright, its time to cleanse the palate with a chipper, brief, direct, shallow question: Do you have any particular SG crushes? Any mesmerizingly adorable faves? Do dish dish dish dish dish.
Honestly there hasn't been a particular SG model who's gotten my attention in a REALLY long time.
I tend to gravitate toward certain body types sometimes: small to moderate breasts, round hips, round ass, but aside from that... i couldn't really say. There are WAY too fuckin' many SGs. The only one who's maintained my attention is Tita; she makes me go "wow" every time, but that's about it. The only other SG who REALLY grabbed my attention married me. ^_^
I have pseudo crushes on a few members, but i feel stupid talking about that because i've never hung out with any of them or talked to them long enough to develop any kind of real connection.
6) Goodness, look there atTita Let meI shouldget on with theinterview
See, though, see, see, heres my problem: Tita, and many many too too many others, are fascinatingly beautiful and fascinating. And not just the attractive and freely sexual, but the intellectual, and the eccentric, and the unapproachable -- the legion of desirable people whose lives will never intersect with mine -- which is to say. the vast majority of humanity. And I am woeful upset, and torn between a blistering jealousy -- to be a part of such lives! -- and a reclusive, contrary urge to run away once and for all and hole up with books and to hell with the too-big world.
Does everyone feel this way? How do you resolve this need to be a part of strange new lives and your limitations? In marriage, especially, how do you resolve your attraction and desire for other people with your love and commitment for your wife?
Well, we've never been monogamous, so that's one thing. I guess i'm just kinda used to it at this point, but that's been an interesting process.
When we first started dating, we weren't exclusive because we lived an hour away from each other and generally had separate lives. As things moved forward and we got tighter and tighter, we had a few discussions about our feelings toward each other and our non-monogamous status. It was the first time i'd ever really considered the idea and it brought a few things to my mind.
First off i had to think about what sex meant to me, and why i'd always considered it to be so important that i only ever have sex with one person. That mostly came from my christian upbringing, which i wasn't adhering to anymore. Since that was out the window i had to re-think what sex itself meant to me. By this point i'd already done my first scene, so the whole concept of sex and sexual pleasure had been pretty much exploded and i was putting that back together. The REALLY short version of my conclusion to that is this: If all i require to receive pleasure in a BDSM context is that someone be skilled and attentive, why do i need to be all in a "relationship" to give or receive sexual pleasure in any other context? There's a little more to it than that, as i've discovered that i much prefer to actually have a connection with some besides the sexual, but basically that's how i think about it.
My wife and i both are attracted to people besides each other, and the main thing is that we communicate to each other as openly and honestly about it as we possibly can. When it comes to any kind of jealousy, we talk about that openly and honestly as well. We do have a not-hard-and-fast rule that we both have to like the "other" if things are going to work. It becomes a much bigger deal of the other is turning into a long term thing, but that hasn't happened yet.
The other really interesting thing is that it turns us both on to think about each other with someone else (especially everybody digs everybody). So there's that too. The main thing is that we love each other first and foremost. Anybody else is secondary. Or tertiary. Or whatever.
As far as strange new lives and my limitations... i'm just trying to work with my limitations. Main thing is that i'm trying to stay as realistic with my expectations as i can ( i don't typically try to flirt with anyone not in the same city, for instance). Finding other polyamorous people, or even just people who are comfortable with my polyamory is difficult, but all i can do is talk to people and be upfront when i'm attracted to them, and hope for the best.
7) Do I ask a lot of fraught questions? I think I do. I think I burrow after miseries at worst, conundrums at best. But that cant be helped: conflict is the foundation of narrative. The only counterbalance to it is love, of course -- and thats why one reads the narrative.
Anyhow (my favorite introductory adverbial modifier), lets soldier on with something spritely. Name three television series youve seen in their entirety, with a short blurb for each explaining What Drew You To It.
1. Avatar: The Last Airbender. This was a show where as soon as i heard about it, i HAD to watch it, and i was not disappointed. I own all three seasons, and re-watch them pretty often. The things that drew me to this series: great animation, an actually serious storyline, very well rendered martial arts, and a very unique and well developed world that Mike and Bryan created. I was sucked in right away. The series finale alone is worth the price of the entire series. Seriously.
2. .hack//sign. Another animation; what drew me to this was the fact that the whole thing actually took place inside an MMORPG, and that the whole .hack (it's pronounced "dot hack") universe isn't just the tv series. It's a card came, it's at least four actual playstation games (that are not online, btw, they just simulate it), it's a book series, and there are three or four manga series as well, and ALL of the storylines intersect at one point or another. I like that kind of immersive experience when it comes to stories.
3. Firefly. The sad thing about this is that i saw it in the wrong order. I saw the Serenity movie first, and then watched the series, so i already knew the fate of certain characters. But what i really liked about it was the fact that despite whatever adventure they were on or peril they were in, you got to really see the characters as people. They were written about as realistically as one can in a sci fi universe, and i liked that. Also, Morena Baccarin and Summer Glau are hot.
8) Sorry its taken me a few days to get back to you, I was justsitting aroundthinkingofoh, oh Summer Glau
Sorry. Right. Ive got you for two of your three: Im a Joss Whedon fanatic, and I have an underplayed .hack//sign PS2 game around here somewhere. The game seemed lovely, but Im not much of a gamer anymore. Meanwhile, Joss Whedon is the absolute ginchiest, andandtheres alsoSummer Glau
Sorry. Doubleright. Whoop whoop wheep! Yep, that alarm means that its time for our On The Couch Round, in which I give you a series of words or phrases and you respond with the first word or phrase that comes to mind, preferably revealing anxieties, sexual deviance, subconscious villainy, and twisted gleeful lunacy. Go!
Mother!: fucker
Alligator!: meat
Australia!: aborigine
Masturbation!: fun
Mall!: rat
Cat o nine tails!: catwoman
Nicolas Cage!: Kick-ass (the movie)
New Jersey!: ninja
Spankathon!: ass
Beethoven!: fifth
Beautiful creamy feet!: idiocracy (specifically the scene where that woman is cutting steak with her feet on the "the masturbation channel")
Aluminum siding!: clang
Summer Glau!: dollhouse
The French!: vampires
I have to say that it was kinda hard to pick out the FIRST thing that came to mind for any of these, because for each thing there was a flood of references. I just tried to pick out the clearest one.
9) My god: New Jersey!: ninja and The French!: vampires are keepers. But now I see were as far as Question 9, and its time for the tenor of the talk to once more go wistful.
Life is fast and we are slow. Our dreams and intentions ever outrace our daily slog. All the way up in Question 1, we talked about what you would pursue in animation if you had the chance, but what about your other dreams deferred? All the things you promise yourself youll accomplish, buy, discover, or make -- all the small and large personal, sexual, even ethical goals that stay stubbornly undone? What remains on your Grand To-Do List?
If you knew the twists and turns my mind took with the trains of thought that led to those associations, you'd laugh even harder. Or maybe just be really confused.
Anyway, as far as things left undone, there are tons.
A lot of art projects, that's for sure but those are the kinds of things i could still do, because i kept the notes for all of them.
There are lot of situations i look back on where i wish i knew then what i know now, thats for sure. I wouldn't have been so shy, i would have made moves sexually where i didn't originally, etc etc, but honestly those aren't worth thinking about.
The main thing i wish i'd done differently in life in general is that i wish i'd gotta my degree, either time i'd gone to school. I'd be much better off jobwise, if i'd done that. Other than that, i dunno.
Sorry i don't have much else to say on this... but yeah if i had a degree i'd be way better off career-wise, and i think i'd just be happier all around. AS far as the rest of my grand to do list... i want to keep doing martial arts, i want to keep belly dancing, i want to keep animating. AS long as i have the space to do these things, i should be fine.
10) I think my question was a little poorly worded; I was thinking less about regrets, and more about hopes -- exciting, elusive things that you just havent found the time or resources to pursue. Nonetheless, youve given a perfectly lovely answer, and we must move onever moving on
Its a right chilly day here, and Im sloughing in bed when I should be at the cafes, writing and whittling away the day. Its terrible to be lazy when you should be languid.
You are the first SG friend to get through ten of my interview questions. As a reward, your tenth question is this: what question would you ask me, if you could ask anything, and Id have to answer?
After reading your last blog entry i do have one question:
Why redheads? I mean i think redheads are attractive to look at, but what are your reasons?
Okay, so, actually, with that final word from you, we have finished our beautiful first interview! I asked Number 10, you responded, and we are concluded. Everything after this is purely foamy epitaph.
* * * * *
For a refreshing change, I'll answer the question directly. I dwell on redheads for nearly the same reason the witchfinders did: because they seem otherworldly. The freckles and opalescence...
But of course, the witchfinders and I have made the same mistake of confusing the rare for the valuable. Really, it's just a hair color. I know that. There's nothing endemically interesting about a person for their hair -- or practically any other physical trait.
So perhaps the real reason I fetishize redheads is because I've never been with one?
But I haven't been with many many types and varieties of people. Most, really. So why...?
Ultimately I shrug: Here's something intangible, sparked by something from childhood or the environment, something long forgotten: a girl on the schoolbus, a nurse, a TV show, a doll, an aunt -- who knows what wicked connections and unsanitary Rube Goldberg machinations drives the lust? And who knows what desperate sublimations our egos impose so as to produce something acceptable to our conscious minds? And the mystery of it forms part of the magic. My fetishes are small pieces of my religion -- resisting words and causes while driving passion.
* * * * *
Thank you, Tigerwong, for your intelligence, wit, kindness, openness, and above all patience.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
calico:
You know me, I'm all about effusive invasions.
tigerwong:
I'm definitely taking parts of this over to the other blog.