I want to live.

28

I am alive, but I don’t think I’m living.

My physical wants to, my mental says I’m too scared to.

I’ve never been more terrified of myself, I’ve never hated myself more than I do right now. My brain is on self destruct.

No-no, I’m not contemplating suicide. I have a beautiful 3 year old who depends on me. She’s depending on me to get better.

It’s roughly $200/month for my medication. Every 3 months it’s $100 to go see my doctor to refill them. I’m uninsured.

This is America, I could be the statistic. See why people choose to just die?

I’m jobless, uninsured, car is broken, and yet I’m still alive.

But still I’m not living.

I want to not think about the what if’s, the future, the past. I want to live in the now.

I want to live.

I want to travel and meet other girls from this site.

I want to go to California and feel the sand in my toes.

I don’t want to be rich and famous.

I want to just be better.

I promise, despite what’s going on in my brain, I am my own worst enemy,

But I want to live.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
thejedilestat:
It definitely helps to get it out. Hope things are better for you 💚
robertbluesman:
I reached an unexpected plateau in PTSD therapy, felt stuck and falling backwards. Dr’s recommended new meds and therapy schedule that bit deeply into my financial and time resources, making me feel exponentially worse. If you haven’t already reached out to local agencies and support groups I highly recommend it. They helped me organize things and provided alternate meds payment opportunities. Also, just recently got my Pennslvania med420 approved, but waiting for my next check to front the $50 annual dispensary card fee. So that’ll be an extra arrow in my quiver. Want you to know I completely understand the “trap door” anxiety feelings that can wash over you from out of nowhere. I hope you’re also diligently ledgering and trying best as possible to keep in touch with a gal pal network when things become overwhelming. Much love and virtual hugs coming over the Ethernet to you. 😘 Better days are on your horizon. 🌈

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