I don't know if SG is the proper platform for me to talk about these things. But here, I largely feel anonymous, so I'll try it out for a while before going back to coding my own sites again.
I've been trying so hard to "be" me again that I sometimes forget that being is about letting go. I've not meditated this often since my mid 20s and allowing myself to dedicate part of it to someone else was what finally gave me a breakthrough. I finally let go of tying to improve myself, and just let some positive energy back into the world ... and suddenly the rage started to fade away for a while. So much so that I slept for more than 3 hours for the first time in as long as I can remember not sleeping well.
I even dusted off my guitar, played my first show in over a year and let myself talk to some people and felt a lot of cool air running across my face on the motorcycle. Letting go is a powerful thing. Finally starting to feel like I might just remember how to be who I think I am.