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graycen

Member Since 2005

Followers 55 Following 21

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Thursday Dec 22, 2005

Dec 22, 2005
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Tomorrow will be day 1 of NC. Yes. I'm starting all over again. That's right! I fucked up and I ended up getting hurt. Again.

Maybe I should explain....
When I was in Florida I mailed a Christmas present to my ex-bf. Why? Please don't ask. Maybe it was a momentary lapse in good judgement? A breakdown of willpower? I truely wanted to get him something for Christmas, even though he would probably hate the fact that I did it. SO Why did I? Because I'm a giver. Because I love him... and in all honesty, because I didn't want the old adage "out of sight, out of mind" to come true.

Package mailed. Then I read the book " It's called a breakup because it's broken" and took the lessons learned to heart. I started following the ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT FOR 60 DAYS rule, because I HAD to. I quit him COLD TURKEY. It was the only way to move ahead!
Package was alredy in transit, so there was nothing I could do. I did good maintaining my dignity and strength despite an email and a txt.msg from him. I held firm.
Fast forward to today.....
UPS fucked up. They couldn't find the house so they changed the street number and delivered it down the road.I got a call from someone at #68 saying that they got my ex-bf's package (Umm...Hello? It's suppose to go to #175!) Did I want them to have UPS pick it up and try to re-deliver? No. If I knew where the house was then maybe I could just pick it up myself? *sigh* They'd leave it on the porch for me. Thanks a lot!

My dilemma....
I picked up the package from the people down the road at #68. The whole time I felt sick and queasy. I didn't want to be there. I was being bombarded by emotions and feelings that I couldn't control. I struggled with the idea that MAYBE the package didn't go to the right house because it wasn't suppose to? Was this a Goddess 2X4 in the form of a misdirected 19X19X15 package? But all I had to do was leave it by his front door...it was sooo close! My friend and "breakup buddy" ( Another rule. Have a "breakup buddy" who is willing to talk, listen & offer sound advice with your best intentions at heart. A "BUB" is someone who you can call when you feel your resolve slipping and you have urges to contact your ex!) Shane told me he'd kick my ass if I delivered it and that I should drive straight home. I waffled back and forth, but finally took his advice. (errr....only AFTER driving by his house just to make sure he wasn't home in case I did decide to deliver it. This is why I am at back to day 1 starting tomorrow. Drive- by's are STRICTLY PROHIBITED according to the NC rule)

I bawled the whole ride home. Did I do the right thing? The drive brought everything back and being so close made my heart ache. Again. Why do I want to keep torturing myself like this?
Now I'm angry for abusing my heart....Letting my dignity and self respect suffer (yet again)....and mostly for being stupid. Did I REALLY think that a package would change things? No. Not really.

I'm learning.

VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
renegadefuzz:
awwww sweetheart...

I want to huggles you right now and make you feel better. Perhaps it was a Goddess 2x4--- but don't think of it as a thing telling you that you fucked up... Think of it as a way of saying "I understand your feelings, but you shouldn't do this..." and making you go through all of that was to show you why.

I do know how you feel though. Hell.. every time I come onto SG, I try so desperately hard not to go click on my ex's profile and see how he is. I've stopped leaving comments for him, but still, on an almost daily basis, I check his journal to see if he's ok. I know I shouldn't... and each time it breaks my heart and I feel almost dirty for breaking my promise to myself... but I just have to. At least I'm not contacting him anymore though.. I just read his journal.

but in other news... I'm happy.... smitten in fact. But this happiness will be short lived sadly. Not for any reason that we can control though. I think I'm truly starting to hate the military.... first I had no father until I was in like 3rd or 4th grade becase he was always gone... now it's taking away the boy that's actually giving me my own piece of happiness. Oh well. I still have him till the 27th... but that's so close...
Dec 23, 2005
renegadefuzz:
oh... by the way... happy holidays!! blessed be..
Dec 23, 2005

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