Tonight I was drowning in my thoughts so I decided to take a drive. Driving at night always helps me calm down. Maybe it is because I feel protected in my dashboard illuminated vehicle. Everything outside is dark and inside my car I feel like I'm in my own little world. Anyway, I drove around and around. I stopped and parked for a while in the Hannaford parking lot, wedged in between the Rent-a-Center trucks and the softly flickering streetlight.( a sacred spot) This is where my tears found me once again. I calmed down a little and continued driving. I found myself at Borders ( lately becoming one of my favorite haunts) milling with the holiday shoppers. I have always loved books. I love the crisp feel and the *swooshing* sound of turning pages. I love the rhythm & complexity of words, I love the way I am transported to another time and space. I love the way the author can make me forget who I am and how I am feeling. I browsed the store... taking the time to trace the embossed titles with my fingers. I finally picked out a few titles , a CD ( The "Gardenstate" soundtrack) and ordered myself a Chai. Finding an open window seat in the Cafe, I sat down with my book and proceeded to lose myself for nearly 2 hours. I was faintly aware of the espresso machine hissing, chairs scraping back and forth as people came and went and the burbling of voices. None of that really mattered, 'cause I was fully engrossed in my book.
My first instinct this evening was to run. I felt so alone and yet didn't know where to go. I didn't want to be by myself and yet I don't think that any one of my friends would have able to fully appreciate my situation or my feelings. Sitting at Borders alone...and yet surrounded by other people was the right choice. When I left I felt better. The book I read helped quiet my mind. The CD I bought made me "feel," but not in a bad way. Right now I feel really proud.I got myself though another emotional tsunami....all...by....myself!
My first instinct this evening was to run. I felt so alone and yet didn't know where to go. I didn't want to be by myself and yet I don't think that any one of my friends would have able to fully appreciate my situation or my feelings. Sitting at Borders alone...and yet surrounded by other people was the right choice. When I left I felt better. The book I read helped quiet my mind. The CD I bought made me "feel," but not in a bad way. Right now I feel really proud.I got myself though another emotional tsunami....all...by....myself!
shimmer:
sorry you felt so bad and alone, but yay for you in getting yourself through it. i know we're kinda far apart and have our own schedules and stuff, but i'm here to chat and would love to get together again soon. miss you lots!