grapefruit

lunch was wonderful today...
i tried some new roast beef from the deli that's cajun flavored or something. with cheese and mustard on wheat toast.
yum. i'd forgotten how tastey mustard is.

im kindof sore today but it feels so good.
confirmation over the weekend that im better than this.
that feels good too. and worth the aching.

id gotten to thinking about all the choices, all the changes, and i decided that i cannot continue wasting away for fear i may hurt someones feelings. if i think i can have a better life, whats stopping me? i dont necessarily think im chasing butterflies or anything, but i want a higher quality of living. it's really only fair that i give myself the opportunity to make it.
sometimes i'm so lame at myself.
girlfriend(platonic) and i made promises to each other that wed start just being smarter
sounds awfully generic, but we both feel serious about it.
and i slept in my pajamas last night next to him.
that was weird.

but after the stellar weekend i had, despite being ditched by the people id brought to a party, i think ive started this week the right way.
i walked again last night, to follow up on the miles we walked sunday.
chica and i had planned on chillin at the playground again and the boy wanted to come along, so we walked for a while and then played on the swings (which is really terrific exercise and gave me time to concentrate on breathing). of course i had to get some slide time in and she was kind enough to wait for me. he ran home while we moseyed around the neighborhood and talked quietly about speculation and upcoming change.

an analogy for my motivation:
yesterday, my body was really sore. much worse than today.
but the longer i sat still, the more difficult it had become for me to get up and moving again; it just hurt .
but i decided to fuck that shit. i figured that if i could just grease the wheels, heat the muscles, id be feeling fine again and could release some of the pent up energy (or lactic acids, whatever) and exercise more.
so i did
and i feel fine.
i feel better.
plus i had fun.

and in the last several days ive learned some other things.
and truth does hurt.
but what can you do?
change yourself.

~~~if you cant change the world, change yourself.
and if you can change yourself, then change your world.~~~

somehow(not that i know how) the former seems easier.
but everyone dreams of the latter.
ill just start here and now.
going to that hidden place.