I got a job as a mall Santa, at this display at the mall right next to the popcorn store, Kernels!
So fast forward to day #1. Wow! Dude. Who knew being a mall Santa would be so crazy? You know that silly little Elf who takes pictures? Well turns out, she is my boss. She has BAD mood swings!
But yeah I dont even talk to her if I don't have to. Dude! I avoid her! She is like 3'9" and just had a kid. She has teeth like broken glass and breath like Mike Tyson! So I try to avoid her like the plague. But she likes to go one on one with me, dude. She likes to test my nuts!! Like I say, I'm Danta Claus, so I have to keep things a little civilized.
So as I said, Day #1 on the job and I was doing fine until this bitch shows up and said I should give her a discount for offending her kid. She got mad and tried to grab my sack, so I called her out! I said to her I wouldn't give her the sweat off the mall janitors balls, in so many words.
Next was this Japanese gal and her lil sister. The older sister looked pretty good, not like I give a shit! I was just minding my own business! Then all of a sudden she tried to speak some BAD ENGLISH!!! So I tried to converse with her in English and I couldn't understand a word she said, so I layed the Japanese on her and the bitch went buckwild! Then two more chicks heard me talking to this girl in Japanese and they HAD to know what Danta Claus is all about! That's as wild it got!
So next in line was this MILF, a regular hot mom, a desperate housewife if you will. She walks up with her kid and says to me, "So you got anything for me in that sack, Danta?" She then sat on my lap!!!! Then she gets crazy....... She says, "I haven't had it in a long time and I'd love to visit the North Pole!" No lie! No lie! She was on the verge of tears.
Geez, I banged that shit with the quickness! DUDE! That was some royal pussy! Man I put the pipe on her. BIG TIME! Then my fifteen minute break ended and I had to go back and be Santa again.
I came back and the next kid was being held in his moms arms. That's cool. So I went to grab the little dude from her and HE BIT ME!! Yeah man. That mean little bastard. So I hit him like 3 times!!! POW!! SPIFF!!! WHACKO!!! Dude. That shit hurt. The woman holding the kid got mad at me too. She was taking the hits too. What the kid felt, she felt. Wow!! They threatened to call the police and my elfish boss fired me! I was told never to return. They took my picture too.
Yeah man, the mall security guard kept taunting me and shit, so I told him I'd go one on one with him. He shut up. 
So as you can see, I'm just not cut out for being a mall Santa! Long story short, Danta Claus was all up in that ass but it's still the same, the North Pole is the place where I serve my game!
Merry Christmas!!
So fast forward to day #1. Wow! Dude. Who knew being a mall Santa would be so crazy? You know that silly little Elf who takes pictures? Well turns out, she is my boss. She has BAD mood swings!
But yeah I dont even talk to her if I don't have to. Dude! I avoid her! She is like 3'9" and just had a kid. She has teeth like broken glass and breath like Mike Tyson! So I try to avoid her like the plague. But she likes to go one on one with me, dude. She likes to test my nuts!! Like I say, I'm Danta Claus, so I have to keep things a little civilized.
So as I said, Day #1 on the job and I was doing fine until this bitch shows up and said I should give her a discount for offending her kid. She got mad and tried to grab my sack, so I called her out! I said to her I wouldn't give her the sweat off the mall janitors balls, in so many words.
Next was this Japanese gal and her lil sister. The older sister looked pretty good, not like I give a shit! I was just minding my own business! Then all of a sudden she tried to speak some BAD ENGLISH!!! So I tried to converse with her in English and I couldn't understand a word she said, so I layed the Japanese on her and the bitch went buckwild! Then two more chicks heard me talking to this girl in Japanese and they HAD to know what Danta Claus is all about! That's as wild it got!
So next in line was this MILF, a regular hot mom, a desperate housewife if you will. She walks up with her kid and says to me, "So you got anything for me in that sack, Danta?" She then sat on my lap!!!! Then she gets crazy....... She says, "I haven't had it in a long time and I'd love to visit the North Pole!" No lie! No lie! She was on the verge of tears.
Geez, I banged that shit with the quickness! DUDE! That was some royal pussy! Man I put the pipe on her. BIG TIME! Then my fifteen minute break ended and I had to go back and be Santa again.
I came back and the next kid was being held in his moms arms. That's cool. So I went to grab the little dude from her and HE BIT ME!! Yeah man. That mean little bastard. So I hit him like 3 times!!! POW!! SPIFF!!! WHACKO!!! Dude. That shit hurt. The woman holding the kid got mad at me too. She was taking the hits too. What the kid felt, she felt. Wow!! They threatened to call the police and my elfish boss fired me! I was told never to return. They took my picture too.
Yeah man, the mall security guard kept taunting me and shit, so I told him I'd go one on one with him. He shut up.
So as you can see, I'm just not cut out for being a mall Santa! Long story short, Danta Claus was all up in that ass but it's still the same, the North Pole is the place where I serve my game!
Merry Christmas!!
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
...whoops.
Sorry 'bout that.
...whoops.
Sorry 'bout that.