godshatemachine

To be honest, i doubt this will make any sense.

So I'm sure you're wondering what started all this. Well I went to the VNV show with Robbie and said I'd pick up her friend Casey. So anyways we go to the show. and about half into And one, I notice that Casey and Robbie are being very love-y towards one another. And so I'm getting annoyed at first, then agitated, and finally pissed. I mean this was seriously ruining the show for me, the show that I wanted to go to in the first place and all these people came along afterward. So I walk away. I move around until, I'm finally further into the crowd, closer to the stage. Once I find my place Robbie asks me why I'm there. I tell her because I wasn't enjoying the show where I was. I wasn't going to let her ruin the good time I had put effort into having. Finally the show lets up. And my plan works, to a point. Anyways I drop Casey, and then her other friend Jason, whom had joined us. And finally, after a decent talk with Robbie, I drop her off.

So this is whats running in my head for this period. First seeing those two on each other made me realize, I"m still not completely over her. And that made me upset with myself. In this new time we've spent together, I haven't entertained the idea of getting back together. But here I was, feeling as though I was being cheated on. And later on, once I'd move away, the thought came to me, that despite all my actions, my efforts to keep busy and productive, it doesn't take away from the fact, I'm painfully lonely. That everything I've done was merely to distract, not to remedy, my emotional problem. And all this talk and time about bettering myself. Its all for empty reasons. I want to be likable. Not by everyone, but by someone. I want to feel like I belong somewhere. And me working, reading, trying to cook, making music, and everything else in some part is my attempt to make myself seem more interesting and appealing. And I doubt I'll stop because there are other good benefits that come out of it. But the motivation is so tainted, so empty...It make me question why I bother. By shows end, I'm happy with the show. but upset about the company I brought.

During the car ride home, Robbie could tell I was upset. I told her we'd talk later. Once I'd dropped the other two, and after a long silence, she brought it up. And I kinda let everything out. I asked here why she broke up with me. I asked if she had cheated on me. I told her how seeing her and Casey made me feel. I told her exactly everything I've told you right now, word for word. The frustration, the loneliness, the confusion. And in classic Robbie form, she had nothing to say. Asking her to have something to say maybe alot in this case. I asked her if she liked Casey and she said yes, though her actions were obvious enough. She held my hand for awhile but then then let go. But in a way I could tell it wasn't out of feeling tired, but that there was a reason behind. And once I let her go, she said to get some rest and left. There was no hug. That was something I really felt.

So...I don't know. I mean this fully and completely too. I don't know why I feel this way and I don't know what to do about it now. I don't know how to deal with school, the biggest underlying fear and problem I have right now. School, and this degree, really is my ticket to a new and better life. But Its so hard to consistently put in the effort. And once I slack and lapse, I'm afraid to owning up to my mistake. But I know its the only thing I can do to make things right again. I don't know where exactly to turn now, because my two refugees, you and Robbie, have both currently been compromised.I'm not saying I'm letting either go. I would never. Both of you mean ALOT to me. But I'm lost. I want to hang out with you and your friends. but the idea of seeing you and David together hasn't sunk in yet. And now, with Robbie, it'll be a very similar situation. Maybe I should get over this, but I can't. I'm not going to deny my feelings.

I was so envious of you this weekend. Not because you went away, but because you had the ability to, and with so many friends. I don't have that. And its something I want. I want to belong some where. And maybe I do. I feel it with you and your friends. But like I said earlier, I'm not ready just yet.

So many things are running through my head:
"Whats wrong with me that no one can really like/love me?"
"why is it so hard for me to meet people/find someone?"
"Why can't I get myself/school fucking together?"

All I know to do now is what I've been ding, save for school, I need to get it together this week. Robbie said she'll help and support me. I'm hoping she'll stick by that after tonight. But other then that, I'm going to keep working out, keep pursuing music, keep trying to learn new things. But I feel so fake sometimes because the reasons are so shallow.

Its the loneliness. That whats behind everything. People seem to say being single is such a great thing. But it hasn't been for me. And not because I'm moping around about being single. Its because I don't have readily available friends. Its rare for me to hang out with someone just by chance meeting or just to hang out. I'm trying really hard. But I don't know what else to do to get over this and myself. I'm starting to believe I wasn't meant to be happy, only productive.

Well, thats all I got, for now. If I sound moppy or just off the deep end, I apologize,. But this is how I feel. This is whats happening to me. And you're one of the few who get me, who know me. And I needed to tell someone who mattered and who cared. Please let me know any of your thoughts about all this. I'm so lost. Maybe even hearing someone else is might help me.

I'm very happy to know you're back home safely and I hope very much you had a fun time with little drama.

your friend
timmy