I've had a bad day today.
I have a clearer view on my thoughts on death. I want it, still. But I'm not suicidal, not anymore. Beucase of what I believe in I won't kill myself. But the more I think on it, the more I want it. I was never given a choice to exist in the first place and yet I've no choice in nonexistence either. It makes no sense to me. Life may be a gift, but like all gifts from time to time, this is one I did not want or need. I see death as a solution to all my problems. By not existing, I wouldn't have to deal with anything. That may be extreme but its my prefered choice of dealing. But I can't end my life because it is wrong. And so I live, and try hard to live on my own terms. In the end though, I'd love to be dead.
I'm very tired of having all these emotions that are out of my control. I'm tired of feeling empty and useless. Of feeling replaceable. No matter how well put my life may be, it doesn't matter. It seems I can be expendable to people. I'm of no consequence. I've known this for so long now. Thats why I've tried so hard to be happy with myself. To live my life my way. But it hasn't been working. I need people in my life. Yet people do not need me.
You know, I am over reacting here a bit. These thoughts though are still something that have been with me for quite some time.
I'm so tired of trying to make something for myself. I'm tired of school and working. Of trying to make and maintain friends. I'm tired of trying to make myself content. I want to just give up on everything. But beucase I don't know how long I'll live, I continue. Its these things that help keep my life going. But if I had the choice I'd give it all up for rest.
I'm so full of hate and frustration right now. I want everyone around me to suffer. To feel nothing but guilt and sorrow. I want misery to surround me. I want all the world to feel what I feel.
My life has no meaning only because I do not give it any.
..sigh....it'd be nice to not wake up tomorrow.
I have a clearer view on my thoughts on death. I want it, still. But I'm not suicidal, not anymore. Beucase of what I believe in I won't kill myself. But the more I think on it, the more I want it. I was never given a choice to exist in the first place and yet I've no choice in nonexistence either. It makes no sense to me. Life may be a gift, but like all gifts from time to time, this is one I did not want or need. I see death as a solution to all my problems. By not existing, I wouldn't have to deal with anything. That may be extreme but its my prefered choice of dealing. But I can't end my life because it is wrong. And so I live, and try hard to live on my own terms. In the end though, I'd love to be dead.
I'm very tired of having all these emotions that are out of my control. I'm tired of feeling empty and useless. Of feeling replaceable. No matter how well put my life may be, it doesn't matter. It seems I can be expendable to people. I'm of no consequence. I've known this for so long now. Thats why I've tried so hard to be happy with myself. To live my life my way. But it hasn't been working. I need people in my life. Yet people do not need me.
You know, I am over reacting here a bit. These thoughts though are still something that have been with me for quite some time.
I'm so tired of trying to make something for myself. I'm tired of school and working. Of trying to make and maintain friends. I'm tired of trying to make myself content. I want to just give up on everything. But beucase I don't know how long I'll live, I continue. Its these things that help keep my life going. But if I had the choice I'd give it all up for rest.
I'm so full of hate and frustration right now. I want everyone around me to suffer. To feel nothing but guilt and sorrow. I want misery to surround me. I want all the world to feel what I feel.
My life has no meaning only because I do not give it any.
..sigh....it'd be nice to not wake up tomorrow.