So @missy and @rambo want to know what the biggest lie I ever told was, so here goes.
It was probably 1999 or 2000. It was the middle of the holiday season and I was at the mall buying god-knows-what for who-the-fuck-knows. All I remember well was that I was sitting on my then-fat ass because I'd totally and completely had enough of that lunacy.
Anyway, these three teenage girls walk by me and they're looking happy, they're behaving themselves, not bothering a single soul, when, for NO reason whatsoever, this frumpy older lady clad entirely in polyester just plows right through their little group, almost knocking one of them over.
As she regained her equilibrium, the girl who almost got knocked on her ass was heard to say, "Fuck you, cunt!"
Well, Brumhilda heard it. She did a perfect pirouette and turned 180 degrees in a split second. "'FUCK YOU, CUNT?' IS THAT WHAT I HEARD YOU SAY???" she screamed at the top of her lungs.
Yes. A 40-something frumpy housewife yelled "cunt!" in the middle of a crowded mall a week before Christmas.
At that point, she started very aggressively approaching the girls and when they met to do battle in front of Babbage's, they were also right in front of me, fat ass and all. I had a front row seat to whatever was about to happen next.
Needless to say, the girl lied and said, "I didn't say a fucking thing, you bitch. You almost knocked my ass over back there and you're gonna give ME shit?"
"I HEARD YOU SAY 'FUCK YOU, CUNT!'" Brumhilda proclaimed loudly for a second time.
"No you didn't," I said. "No one said any such thing."
"See?" all the girls said, almost in unison.
"It's true," I said. "And, not for nothing, lady, but if you didn't ACT like one, you probably wouldn't be suffering these delusions about people calling you one. That voice you heard? That was your conscience, ma'am. Listen to it. You don't want to be that kind of person, especially around Christmas."
Brumhilda just kinda stumbled off in a daze, grumbling something about how she thought someone had spiked everybody's eggnog because the world had gone fucking insane in the last ten minutes or some shit.
Needless to say, I made a few new friends that day but I might also have sent an annoying lady completely over the edge just in time for Christmas.
