what the fuck am i supposed to do?!
I got a letter the Saturday before last stating that i hadnt provided the proper information to my child care assistance agency, (yes, i get child care assistance because i cannot afford $400/month daycare costs), therefore my case was going to be closed unless i provided the agency with proper employment verification for June and Lyric's current shot records. When they had requested this information from me in MAY, i had given them all of my April and May's check stubs. Now they are threatening to close my case because i hadnt sent them June's info?! WTF?! We werent even IN JUNE YET!!!!
Okay, so i flip out and scramble to get them all of the information they request in the matter of a day and call the case worker REPEATEDLY to make sure the case will not be closed. She calls me at the very last moment to let me know that my case will not be closed and my assistance will continue as usual.
"whew" right? wrong.
I got a letter today stating that the amount onf assistance i will receive has decreased because my income has supposedly increased. MY INCOME HASNT CHANGED FOR OVER A YEAR!!! So basically here it is. I AM FUCKED! I cannot get any other type of state assistance, food stamps, afdc, NOTHING, because there is an order in effect for Lyric's father to have his wages garnished for child support. He does not work, lives in his mom's house rent free, bill free, responsibility free, therefore i cant get any type of child support, state assistance and my situation has just gotten worse because i have to pay more for daycare! I cant afford it! Goddamnit! Why is the system so fucking fucked up! What the fuck did i do?!! What the fuck do I do?! I realized this week that i cant even depend on my own mother...my family is completely fucked up, i cant afford anything, and no matter how hard i try to get my head above water, i just keep sinking! i feel like i am about to just wig out!
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I'm walking around here this morning, wondering what to do with myself. I am so depressed at this point. I've been crying for about 6 days.
I took 6 days off of work as "vacation" in order to quit smoking. My mother was supposed to watch my daughter for those six days. After only 3 days she calls me first thing in the morning saying that its time for Lyric to come home because all she does is whine for me.
Dont get me wrong, i love my daughter very much and I know she loves me but, she's not like that. She's not a needy little baby that begs for me. Its just my mother, not wanting to watch her. I'll admit that I do need the time away from Lyric. I am a single parent and really never get a break from that role. I knew that if I was going to stop smoking, I especially needed to be away from my daughter so she doesnt see me the way i have been for the past 6 days. My mother argued with me on the phone saying that she never had a break from us and she so piously raised us into fine human beings due to her unwilting dedication and love....my mother lives in dreamworld. My mother is a pill popping, pot smoking, wretch of a human being. I understand a little fun here and there, hell, I partake in "a little fun" here and there. But my mother brings it to extremes. Ever since i was a child i can remember my parents both getting as wasted as they could as often as they could. There were many nights that they came in at about 4 or 5 in the morning, school nights, and i would have to clean up the mess they would make trying to get themselves something to eat and falling asleep in their plates. many times i have argued with my mother and i dont even know what she's arguing about. My father has changed. He used to do all of those things but add drinking and regular beating to it. He doesnt do any of that anymore but he has just gotten to complacent point. He sees what she does to me and does nothing. And yes, I am saying "to me," because she most certainly does, and always has, directs her fucked up attitude towards me. This is no ordinary mother/daughter rivalry. Justin has seen it first hand. She targets in on me. Picks me apart. Gives me the guilt. Slams it all down on me. Compares herself to me. If her and my dad are fighting, she calls me to be the referee. She calls me to tell me that she's going to leave and never come back, while i'm at work she calls and does this, just to have someone tell he not to leave. She told me, "I've never had a time off from my children." BULL SHIT YOU FUCKING CUNT! BULL FUCKING SHIT! She swims in denial. And so what?! So what if that were true. She will compare and compare and tell me that her pain is worse than mine, my trials are only small, I dont know what its like. So that means she should try to punish me and make it worse for me than try to HELP HER FLESH AND BLOOD OUT! For christ sakes! I got my younger brother a job, have taken him into my home for the summer and bring him to this job. You think she was going to get off of her loaded ass to do so?! I bought this woman fucking teeth! I give and give and give to my family. I try to feel like i am a part of some kind of family. But in the end, i am not. I dont have real love of a mother. I keep trying to have it. I keep trying to be the good child. but i cant have it. my mother thinks of no one but herself. you would think that a mother would want to make her childrens lives better if she could, instead of punishing them for being angry at her own life.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My oldest brother, somewhere in his 30's now, fucked me when i was about 15 or 16. I actually had not wanted this to happen but when it did i just blew it off and tried to forget about it. He began visiting more and more and telling me he was going to have mke all to himself and no one else will have me. He would make sure of it. My parents know about all of this...he still visits and calls whenever he feels like it.
My oldest sister has 4 children, 4 different men. About 2 abortions under her belt as well. Wellfare, child support, milk the state dry queen. Never finished college. Barely even went. Basically is just a drug dependant baby factory who only calls or visits when she wants something.
My other sister has cerebral palsy. She is retarded. I can say that, she's my sister and i had to grow up with it. My mother has done only the bare minimum with Janine. Once she was too old to go to school, do you think they checked into some sort of assisted living or work programs? Nope, my mother and father collect check for their little invalid, and she rotts in that house. She has tourettes and also take meds for other mental illnesses, so she always has an odor and an oil. You would think that my parents would atleast look into some sort of home healthcare. Nope, they would have to pay someone.
Kaleb is 16 and now has a job. Living with my mom and dad he will never graduate highschool. I had moved back home when i was pregnant and my mother guised it has her jhelping me out. I was really moving back home to be their servant girl. Well, when i lived there my younger brother went by my rules and was PASSING school with a's, b's & some c's. As soon as i moved out the d's and f's started rolling in and he cant even get out of Junior high. My mother and father are not concerned with cultivating their children into productive members of society, they wooldnt even know where to start. We were all just there as sexual mistakes and my parents lie in waiting for 18 to strike so they may kick my brother square in the ass out of the nest.
Then there is me. I tried to be a good child. I really have tried to make my parents love me. But i am still never good enough in my fathers eyes because i dont have a penis and my mother hates all of her children and herself.
Back to it, my mother didnt want to watch her grandchild, which she claims to love ever so much, because she would rather spend her days L O A D E D. And wallowing in her own self pity.
What did i get for my birthday? a cd case for my car. my work calling me everyday asking me stupid fucking questions about shit they could figure out on their own, a letter stating that i am basically fucked (see above), my mother playing angry at me, and crying fits that just wont stop, $300 bill for my car as it decided to bust some hose near the water pump and, more good news, my a/c in my car, the whole reason i actually took out a loan that i am also stressing over, is on its way out. If i run the a/c there is a chance that the whole thing will freeze up causing the ONLY BELT THAT RUNS MY CAR to freeze up which would incur more damage than the fucking car is worth. Cost to repair A/C, $700+
And i have still managed to quit smoking. So there it is. A great big ol FUCK YOU to my family and the state for trying to get me to fall off the wagon. 5 days and counting, no nicotine.
i am so fucking happy right now i could buy a rifle.
I got a letter the Saturday before last stating that i hadnt provided the proper information to my child care assistance agency, (yes, i get child care assistance because i cannot afford $400/month daycare costs), therefore my case was going to be closed unless i provided the agency with proper employment verification for June and Lyric's current shot records. When they had requested this information from me in MAY, i had given them all of my April and May's check stubs. Now they are threatening to close my case because i hadnt sent them June's info?! WTF?! We werent even IN JUNE YET!!!!
Okay, so i flip out and scramble to get them all of the information they request in the matter of a day and call the case worker REPEATEDLY to make sure the case will not be closed. She calls me at the very last moment to let me know that my case will not be closed and my assistance will continue as usual.
"whew" right? wrong.
I got a letter today stating that the amount onf assistance i will receive has decreased because my income has supposedly increased. MY INCOME HASNT CHANGED FOR OVER A YEAR!!! So basically here it is. I AM FUCKED! I cannot get any other type of state assistance, food stamps, afdc, NOTHING, because there is an order in effect for Lyric's father to have his wages garnished for child support. He does not work, lives in his mom's house rent free, bill free, responsibility free, therefore i cant get any type of child support, state assistance and my situation has just gotten worse because i have to pay more for daycare! I cant afford it! Goddamnit! Why is the system so fucking fucked up! What the fuck did i do?!! What the fuck do I do?! I realized this week that i cant even depend on my own mother...my family is completely fucked up, i cant afford anything, and no matter how hard i try to get my head above water, i just keep sinking! i feel like i am about to just wig out!
*********************************************************************************************************************
I'm walking around here this morning, wondering what to do with myself. I am so depressed at this point. I've been crying for about 6 days.
I took 6 days off of work as "vacation" in order to quit smoking. My mother was supposed to watch my daughter for those six days. After only 3 days she calls me first thing in the morning saying that its time for Lyric to come home because all she does is whine for me.
Dont get me wrong, i love my daughter very much and I know she loves me but, she's not like that. She's not a needy little baby that begs for me. Its just my mother, not wanting to watch her. I'll admit that I do need the time away from Lyric. I am a single parent and really never get a break from that role. I knew that if I was going to stop smoking, I especially needed to be away from my daughter so she doesnt see me the way i have been for the past 6 days. My mother argued with me on the phone saying that she never had a break from us and she so piously raised us into fine human beings due to her unwilting dedication and love....my mother lives in dreamworld. My mother is a pill popping, pot smoking, wretch of a human being. I understand a little fun here and there, hell, I partake in "a little fun" here and there. But my mother brings it to extremes. Ever since i was a child i can remember my parents both getting as wasted as they could as often as they could. There were many nights that they came in at about 4 or 5 in the morning, school nights, and i would have to clean up the mess they would make trying to get themselves something to eat and falling asleep in their plates. many times i have argued with my mother and i dont even know what she's arguing about. My father has changed. He used to do all of those things but add drinking and regular beating to it. He doesnt do any of that anymore but he has just gotten to complacent point. He sees what she does to me and does nothing. And yes, I am saying "to me," because she most certainly does, and always has, directs her fucked up attitude towards me. This is no ordinary mother/daughter rivalry. Justin has seen it first hand. She targets in on me. Picks me apart. Gives me the guilt. Slams it all down on me. Compares herself to me. If her and my dad are fighting, she calls me to be the referee. She calls me to tell me that she's going to leave and never come back, while i'm at work she calls and does this, just to have someone tell he not to leave. She told me, "I've never had a time off from my children." BULL SHIT YOU FUCKING CUNT! BULL FUCKING SHIT! She swims in denial. And so what?! So what if that were true. She will compare and compare and tell me that her pain is worse than mine, my trials are only small, I dont know what its like. So that means she should try to punish me and make it worse for me than try to HELP HER FLESH AND BLOOD OUT! For christ sakes! I got my younger brother a job, have taken him into my home for the summer and bring him to this job. You think she was going to get off of her loaded ass to do so?! I bought this woman fucking teeth! I give and give and give to my family. I try to feel like i am a part of some kind of family. But in the end, i am not. I dont have real love of a mother. I keep trying to have it. I keep trying to be the good child. but i cant have it. my mother thinks of no one but herself. you would think that a mother would want to make her childrens lives better if she could, instead of punishing them for being angry at her own life.
I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters. My oldest brother, somewhere in his 30's now, fucked me when i was about 15 or 16. I actually had not wanted this to happen but when it did i just blew it off and tried to forget about it. He began visiting more and more and telling me he was going to have mke all to himself and no one else will have me. He would make sure of it. My parents know about all of this...he still visits and calls whenever he feels like it.
My oldest sister has 4 children, 4 different men. About 2 abortions under her belt as well. Wellfare, child support, milk the state dry queen. Never finished college. Barely even went. Basically is just a drug dependant baby factory who only calls or visits when she wants something.
My other sister has cerebral palsy. She is retarded. I can say that, she's my sister and i had to grow up with it. My mother has done only the bare minimum with Janine. Once she was too old to go to school, do you think they checked into some sort of assisted living or work programs? Nope, my mother and father collect check for their little invalid, and she rotts in that house. She has tourettes and also take meds for other mental illnesses, so she always has an odor and an oil. You would think that my parents would atleast look into some sort of home healthcare. Nope, they would have to pay someone.
Kaleb is 16 and now has a job. Living with my mom and dad he will never graduate highschool. I had moved back home when i was pregnant and my mother guised it has her jhelping me out. I was really moving back home to be their servant girl. Well, when i lived there my younger brother went by my rules and was PASSING school with a's, b's & some c's. As soon as i moved out the d's and f's started rolling in and he cant even get out of Junior high. My mother and father are not concerned with cultivating their children into productive members of society, they wooldnt even know where to start. We were all just there as sexual mistakes and my parents lie in waiting for 18 to strike so they may kick my brother square in the ass out of the nest.
Then there is me. I tried to be a good child. I really have tried to make my parents love me. But i am still never good enough in my fathers eyes because i dont have a penis and my mother hates all of her children and herself.
Back to it, my mother didnt want to watch her grandchild, which she claims to love ever so much, because she would rather spend her days L O A D E D. And wallowing in her own self pity.
What did i get for my birthday? a cd case for my car. my work calling me everyday asking me stupid fucking questions about shit they could figure out on their own, a letter stating that i am basically fucked (see above), my mother playing angry at me, and crying fits that just wont stop, $300 bill for my car as it decided to bust some hose near the water pump and, more good news, my a/c in my car, the whole reason i actually took out a loan that i am also stressing over, is on its way out. If i run the a/c there is a chance that the whole thing will freeze up causing the ONLY BELT THAT RUNS MY CAR to freeze up which would incur more damage than the fucking car is worth. Cost to repair A/C, $700+
And i have still managed to quit smoking. So there it is. A great big ol FUCK YOU to my family and the state for trying to get me to fall off the wagon. 5 days and counting, no nicotine.
i am so fucking happy right now i could buy a rifle.
VIEW 18 of 18 COMMENTS
jimmypheenom:
oh and if you ain't got the Team Sleep album yet and you want it, let me know. I'll send you one. 
1stxer:
Now that you have spilled your guts for the world to see, do not become a stranger around here. Glad to here Nawlins has been spared the brunt of the hurricane.