BAH. i am feeling seriously fucking lousy today. not physically, but mentally. must be time for another dose of depression!
went to see episode 3 with 2 friends of mine, good flick, lots of ass kicking and stealth cameos. left the theatre in a good mood. on the way home, a short 20 minute drive, encountered sudden lack of enthusiasm about life, the universe, and everything. can i say that and not get sued? i sure hope so, lawsuits make gardiac sad.
the past 3 or 4 years of my life are a giant blur, and i dont even have alcohol or drugs to blame. one day just seamlessly flows into the next, boredom after boredom. if im not at work, i sit in front of my pc. i very rarely see or talk to human beings outside of work. i still feel like an outsider here, i dont belong. everything i know is back in PA, including all of my amazing friends. i try to call people, noone answers. i think today was the first time i used my vocal cords since friday at work. i never feel like im accomplishing anything, i mean, i make fucking photocopies for a living. i dont take vacations (where would i go? with who?). i literally spend every moment of my life in front of some sort of machine. its rather depressing just thinking about it. i used to never feel this way, what the fuck happened?
sherman, set the way-back machine : 1997, april. i moved back from AZ where i had been living with a female i was madly in love with. things werent working out, we had vastly different opinions on an issue i take rather personally, namely racism. i hate racists. there, i said it. plain and simple, i think anyone who judges anyone for ANY reason, without knowing them, is a fucking scumbag. i dont care if its color, or religion, or their fucking hair style. if you SEE that person with your optic nerves, and make a decision about them, you are an asshole. go to hell. (rant off).
at any rate, when i moved back from there i was massively, stupidly, completely overwhelmed with depression. i had been seeing her for a mere 2 years, but it devastated me knowing i couldnt be with her, that her petty fucking judgement of other people would hurt me every time she spoke of it. i sank into depression, badly. i wouldnt leave my room (i was living back home with my mom). i wouldnt eat, i couldnt sleep, i refused phone calls and visits. i snuck downstairs late at night, or sometimes just jumped out of my 2nd story window, and went for long walks around the lake, trying to free my mind for even a minute. eventually i came to the ridiculus decision that i didnt want to be alive anymore, but i didnt have the cajones to do anything, so i just sank FURTHER into depression.
the entire summer disappeared into a sea of self hatred. i hated the thought of waking up every morning, and still being me. why couldnt i just be ignorant like every other moron around me, and hate 'niggers' and drink beer and do drugs and be a complete fucking loser. i cant honesly recall what happened, or when precisely, but sometime later that year i got out of the slump i had been in. i got a part time job at hot topic in the mall (it was brand spanking new!), and started meeting people and doing things again. some of my long term friends i met while working there, whether they were fellow employees, or just shoppers i got friendly with. i met my friend jo while at the mall, she was working in the arcade, she was cool. things started to be normal again, life moved on, i met some very sweet girls who took care of me for the time i was with each of them, i made friends, i had fun.
i got a job at a tattoo studio, through some dj friends of mine. best...time...ever. it was the best shop in the area, hands down. i had been to other ones, none of them were as proffessional and knowledgable as there. i worked the desk for a solid 3 years (before making the stupid decision to RANDOMLY, for NO GOOD REASON, move to MA). i had a great time working there, meeting lots of people you would never see in your day to day life in wilkes-barre, PA.
i met this great girl, who i spent alot of my time with for the year prior to my move here. she was a free soul, smoked a lot of pot, went out drinking, went to raves, totally not 'my type' as it were, but we had so much fun together. i didnt know it at the time, but i was kicking my own ass from day 1. i took this to be just another fling i suppose, that we were just hanging out to have fun while we could. she was from NY and was only staying in PA during school semesters. little did i know, this girl loved me dearly. i bought her this amazing white glass rose at hershey park, when i went with some other friends. the last i talked to her, she still had it on her dresser. i just thought it was a fun gift, she thought it was a sure sign i loved her as madly as she loved me. she went home for the summer, and i met this VERY attractive girl (a frequent customer at the shop who i was always flirting with).
this girl was stunning. long wavy blonde hair, short, curvy, brilliant smile, and very funny. we decided to hang out once, see how things went. i was carless at the time, so she picked me up in her brand spanking new car. i just about shot my load when i got in the car. she looked amazing, and smelled delicious, and i wanted her right then and there. we struggled through dinner with some awkward conversation and she spent the night at my place. for the next few weeks, i almost entirely forgot about the NY girl (doh). one day, she called to say she was in town, to pack her things and move back to NY, but only if....she never finished the sentence. she asked to stop and see me. i said sure, it would be great to see her after the whole summer after all. in the meantime, my personal playmate showed up. oh boy, now this was going to be awkward. the night went horribly, and i dont feel like detailing as it doesnt really matter. end result : blonde girl stayed the night, NY girl went home. biggest...mistake...ever.
when i moved to MA, i thought for sure the blonde girl would come with me, but she wouldnt. a few weeks later she moved to some other state with another guy. well then. i called the girl from NY to see how things were going, to see if she had found a job, etc. she was getting married to a boy she had been seeing before me! say what? that night she was at my house, the sentence she couldnt finish, was that she wanted to move WITH me to MA. she didnt want to push herself on me however, and was hoping i would ask her, or suggest it, or something, be spontaneous and live on a limb. when things turned out as she had hoped they wouldnt, she found consolation in her ex, and now they are happily married and living in italy. she still had the rose she told me, the last i spoke to her.
massive depression part 2. i couldnt understand how my fucking brain had failed to see what was happening around me. it was RIGHT THERE, six inches in front of my face at night, when we would fall asleep together. it was RIGHT THERE, in front of my face when we had sex. it was DIRECTLY 100% ABSOLUTELY RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and i didnt see it. i completely fucked up. i was depressed for months, again, only this time, living with other people made things worse. i was constantly under harassment about going out and watching movies and helping make dinner and whatever the fuck else was going on. i didnt have time to dwell on it until much later.
prior to the incidents mentioned above, i never once got sad (not to this extent). i had a rather normal life with normal problems and normal solutions. things have changed so much in the past 10 years that i hardly think anyone i knew in highschool would recognize me. do i care though? not really. but all these depressing things come back to haunt me sometimes. i still get sad when i flip through my old photo books, which is an extreme rarity. i cant stand looking at them honestly. sometimes i think about burning them, and trying to forget anything has ever happened. but thats not possible, its always there, in my neurons, firing away.
i seek the love of my life (which i know i shouldnt do, it will just happen when it happens right?). i really really want to find that person that makes me feel whole. i really thought i had it twice. i really fucking hate lifes cruel twists and turns. im going to go be sad now, kk bye.
went to see episode 3 with 2 friends of mine, good flick, lots of ass kicking and stealth cameos. left the theatre in a good mood. on the way home, a short 20 minute drive, encountered sudden lack of enthusiasm about life, the universe, and everything. can i say that and not get sued? i sure hope so, lawsuits make gardiac sad.
the past 3 or 4 years of my life are a giant blur, and i dont even have alcohol or drugs to blame. one day just seamlessly flows into the next, boredom after boredom. if im not at work, i sit in front of my pc. i very rarely see or talk to human beings outside of work. i still feel like an outsider here, i dont belong. everything i know is back in PA, including all of my amazing friends. i try to call people, noone answers. i think today was the first time i used my vocal cords since friday at work. i never feel like im accomplishing anything, i mean, i make fucking photocopies for a living. i dont take vacations (where would i go? with who?). i literally spend every moment of my life in front of some sort of machine. its rather depressing just thinking about it. i used to never feel this way, what the fuck happened?
sherman, set the way-back machine : 1997, april. i moved back from AZ where i had been living with a female i was madly in love with. things werent working out, we had vastly different opinions on an issue i take rather personally, namely racism. i hate racists. there, i said it. plain and simple, i think anyone who judges anyone for ANY reason, without knowing them, is a fucking scumbag. i dont care if its color, or religion, or their fucking hair style. if you SEE that person with your optic nerves, and make a decision about them, you are an asshole. go to hell. (rant off).
at any rate, when i moved back from there i was massively, stupidly, completely overwhelmed with depression. i had been seeing her for a mere 2 years, but it devastated me knowing i couldnt be with her, that her petty fucking judgement of other people would hurt me every time she spoke of it. i sank into depression, badly. i wouldnt leave my room (i was living back home with my mom). i wouldnt eat, i couldnt sleep, i refused phone calls and visits. i snuck downstairs late at night, or sometimes just jumped out of my 2nd story window, and went for long walks around the lake, trying to free my mind for even a minute. eventually i came to the ridiculus decision that i didnt want to be alive anymore, but i didnt have the cajones to do anything, so i just sank FURTHER into depression.
the entire summer disappeared into a sea of self hatred. i hated the thought of waking up every morning, and still being me. why couldnt i just be ignorant like every other moron around me, and hate 'niggers' and drink beer and do drugs and be a complete fucking loser. i cant honesly recall what happened, or when precisely, but sometime later that year i got out of the slump i had been in. i got a part time job at hot topic in the mall (it was brand spanking new!), and started meeting people and doing things again. some of my long term friends i met while working there, whether they were fellow employees, or just shoppers i got friendly with. i met my friend jo while at the mall, she was working in the arcade, she was cool. things started to be normal again, life moved on, i met some very sweet girls who took care of me for the time i was with each of them, i made friends, i had fun.
i got a job at a tattoo studio, through some dj friends of mine. best...time...ever. it was the best shop in the area, hands down. i had been to other ones, none of them were as proffessional and knowledgable as there. i worked the desk for a solid 3 years (before making the stupid decision to RANDOMLY, for NO GOOD REASON, move to MA). i had a great time working there, meeting lots of people you would never see in your day to day life in wilkes-barre, PA.
i met this great girl, who i spent alot of my time with for the year prior to my move here. she was a free soul, smoked a lot of pot, went out drinking, went to raves, totally not 'my type' as it were, but we had so much fun together. i didnt know it at the time, but i was kicking my own ass from day 1. i took this to be just another fling i suppose, that we were just hanging out to have fun while we could. she was from NY and was only staying in PA during school semesters. little did i know, this girl loved me dearly. i bought her this amazing white glass rose at hershey park, when i went with some other friends. the last i talked to her, she still had it on her dresser. i just thought it was a fun gift, she thought it was a sure sign i loved her as madly as she loved me. she went home for the summer, and i met this VERY attractive girl (a frequent customer at the shop who i was always flirting with).
this girl was stunning. long wavy blonde hair, short, curvy, brilliant smile, and very funny. we decided to hang out once, see how things went. i was carless at the time, so she picked me up in her brand spanking new car. i just about shot my load when i got in the car. she looked amazing, and smelled delicious, and i wanted her right then and there. we struggled through dinner with some awkward conversation and she spent the night at my place. for the next few weeks, i almost entirely forgot about the NY girl (doh). one day, she called to say she was in town, to pack her things and move back to NY, but only if....she never finished the sentence. she asked to stop and see me. i said sure, it would be great to see her after the whole summer after all. in the meantime, my personal playmate showed up. oh boy, now this was going to be awkward. the night went horribly, and i dont feel like detailing as it doesnt really matter. end result : blonde girl stayed the night, NY girl went home. biggest...mistake...ever.
when i moved to MA, i thought for sure the blonde girl would come with me, but she wouldnt. a few weeks later she moved to some other state with another guy. well then. i called the girl from NY to see how things were going, to see if she had found a job, etc. she was getting married to a boy she had been seeing before me! say what? that night she was at my house, the sentence she couldnt finish, was that she wanted to move WITH me to MA. she didnt want to push herself on me however, and was hoping i would ask her, or suggest it, or something, be spontaneous and live on a limb. when things turned out as she had hoped they wouldnt, she found consolation in her ex, and now they are happily married and living in italy. she still had the rose she told me, the last i spoke to her.
massive depression part 2. i couldnt understand how my fucking brain had failed to see what was happening around me. it was RIGHT THERE, six inches in front of my face at night, when we would fall asleep together. it was RIGHT THERE, in front of my face when we had sex. it was DIRECTLY 100% ABSOLUTELY RIGHT FUCKING THERE, and i didnt see it. i completely fucked up. i was depressed for months, again, only this time, living with other people made things worse. i was constantly under harassment about going out and watching movies and helping make dinner and whatever the fuck else was going on. i didnt have time to dwell on it until much later.
prior to the incidents mentioned above, i never once got sad (not to this extent). i had a rather normal life with normal problems and normal solutions. things have changed so much in the past 10 years that i hardly think anyone i knew in highschool would recognize me. do i care though? not really. but all these depressing things come back to haunt me sometimes. i still get sad when i flip through my old photo books, which is an extreme rarity. i cant stand looking at them honestly. sometimes i think about burning them, and trying to forget anything has ever happened. but thats not possible, its always there, in my neurons, firing away.
i seek the love of my life (which i know i shouldnt do, it will just happen when it happens right?). i really really want to find that person that makes me feel whole. i really thought i had it twice. i really fucking hate lifes cruel twists and turns. im going to go be sad now, kk bye.
You are in need of social interaction: very much so. While Attleborough is quaint in its own way, I'd say you should move to somewhere where you can interact with people, meet new people, etc. on a much more regular basis.
I mean it: you need to do it now! There are great people to meet, but you don't get the chance to meet them. Sublet the extra room in Bailey's Apt. I'm not kidding. Go out dancing & to concerts and just have so damn much fun that you don't have time to dwell on the past.
Dwelling on the past is usually counterproductive. You need to have more fun. You'll meet more people having fun than moping around, right?
good thoughts