I'm slowly opening my eyes. This is not a life.
I can't be happy. I won't let myself be happy. I don't know why. I just realized this over the past week. I get close to the brass ring and I do something to fuck myself up. Why? What is going on here? What has triggered this masochistic streak in me?
I am lost.
I'm nearly 32 years old and am going nowhere. I have nothing.
This is all very disturbing. I need to figure out why this is happening and try to break the cycle before I'm an old man looking back at life wondering where it went. That's the direction I'm headed. Why can't I figure it out?
Goddamn... I'm not the most brilliant guy to walk the earth, but I'm at least a little smarter than the average bear (I think... I hope). I know people who are best described as "dim bulbs" who are amazingly successful in their career/personal life/etc... why the fuck can't I be one of them?
I know... I can. I know I can. IF I get past this block... whatever the block is... however it got there. It's there. And it's big. It's holding me down. It's keeping me from finding that one thing... THE one thing in life that drives people to do great things. I don't have that. I don't care about anything. I really don't. There are things I enjoy doing, but not anywhere near the place of enjoying them so much that they drive my existence. I don't care.
I... don't... care.
Existential meltdown.
I'm not sure I'm real.
I can't be happy. I won't let myself be happy. I don't know why. I just realized this over the past week. I get close to the brass ring and I do something to fuck myself up. Why? What is going on here? What has triggered this masochistic streak in me?
I am lost.
I'm nearly 32 years old and am going nowhere. I have nothing.
This is all very disturbing. I need to figure out why this is happening and try to break the cycle before I'm an old man looking back at life wondering where it went. That's the direction I'm headed. Why can't I figure it out?
Goddamn... I'm not the most brilliant guy to walk the earth, but I'm at least a little smarter than the average bear (I think... I hope). I know people who are best described as "dim bulbs" who are amazingly successful in their career/personal life/etc... why the fuck can't I be one of them?
I know... I can. I know I can. IF I get past this block... whatever the block is... however it got there. It's there. And it's big. It's holding me down. It's keeping me from finding that one thing... THE one thing in life that drives people to do great things. I don't have that. I don't care about anything. I really don't. There are things I enjoy doing, but not anywhere near the place of enjoying them so much that they drive my existence. I don't care.
I... don't... care.
Existential meltdown.
I'm not sure I'm real.
I'm not sure what the block is for myself, but I think I oversimplify things. I don't think there's one block or one thing that I'm missing. I think there's a whole complicated, convoluted knot of reasons why I'm so depressed.
I'm going to be changing meds this week, I think.