Weighed the pros and cons... don't like the result.
Magic 8 Ball say: "You're fucked either way, kid."
So I'll be fucked on the side of seeing my grandfather again (I hope...) before we lose him.
The truth is, I'll regret going and I'll regret staying. At least this way, I'll be home with people who care. Right now, that's a big deal to me. I'm giving in to the fact that I obviously have some sort of chemical imbalance. I may have mentioned it here before... I can't remember... I know a couple people on this site know it already... may as well spill it and have it out there. I'm absolutely cuckoo...
Not in a harmful way... at least not to anyone else.
Suicidal? Yup... been there. Visit it on occasion still. It scares me. I no likee...
But, for the most part, I don't let it get me. I keep a few certain people in my heart when those thoughts creep in, and no matter how low I feel, I know that I'd rather struggle on through the bullshit that I think has me beat than to let them down.
But that doesn't solve the problem. I don't know what my diagnosis is. I haven't been able to see a specialist long enough at any one time for them to really figure it out. I have my suspicions. I was a psych major in college, which means that, upon graduation, I was able and qualified to realize that I'm fucked up, just not pinpoint why I'm that way or how to fix it. No... they save those classes for the motivated ones who go on for a Master's or PhD...
Anyhoo... yeah. I'm batshit nuts. But... to quote the same book as my last journal entry, I'm "Mostly Harmless".
I need to be home. A city full of strangers isn't going to catch me when I fall.
The small handful of friends I have here aren't enough in number or strength to help me out of my rut.
I'm going home. First of March. One way or another.
Who wants to co-pilot?
Magic 8 Ball say: "You're fucked either way, kid."
So I'll be fucked on the side of seeing my grandfather again (I hope...) before we lose him.
The truth is, I'll regret going and I'll regret staying. At least this way, I'll be home with people who care. Right now, that's a big deal to me. I'm giving in to the fact that I obviously have some sort of chemical imbalance. I may have mentioned it here before... I can't remember... I know a couple people on this site know it already... may as well spill it and have it out there. I'm absolutely cuckoo...
Not in a harmful way... at least not to anyone else.
Suicidal? Yup... been there. Visit it on occasion still. It scares me. I no likee...
But, for the most part, I don't let it get me. I keep a few certain people in my heart when those thoughts creep in, and no matter how low I feel, I know that I'd rather struggle on through the bullshit that I think has me beat than to let them down.
But that doesn't solve the problem. I don't know what my diagnosis is. I haven't been able to see a specialist long enough at any one time for them to really figure it out. I have my suspicions. I was a psych major in college, which means that, upon graduation, I was able and qualified to realize that I'm fucked up, just not pinpoint why I'm that way or how to fix it. No... they save those classes for the motivated ones who go on for a Master's or PhD...
Anyhoo... yeah. I'm batshit nuts. But... to quote the same book as my last journal entry, I'm "Mostly Harmless".
I need to be home. A city full of strangers isn't going to catch me when I fall.
The small handful of friends I have here aren't enough in number or strength to help me out of my rut.
I'm going home. First of March. One way or another.
Who wants to co-pilot?
lolablu:
I'm glad you've officially decided to go home. And you know I don't think you're "cuckoo."