fuck

i havent been feeling too good as of late. many people know i've been having a tough time. its not the fact that i'm alone and living on my own. it has a lot to do with not feeling like i belong in certain groups of people and that those people could give a fuck about me. i've been feeling like this for quite a while. longer than anyone that may have talked to me about this have known. this may come to be a surprize to some, but i've been feeling like this for at least the past 3 years. i sat down with myself and figured this out this week. i also feel like though i'm not an alcoholic that alcohol plays a big part in my problems and life at the moment. its a crutch for me, it gives me a false sense of security that i can talk to people, make people laugh and actually feel like i fit in with people. it comforts me when i'm depressed and makes me not care about whats going on or makes me get upset with myself and then i pass out when i drink at home. so i've been trying to cut down on drinking, its a resolution for this year. as i need to pull myself out of the gutter.

another thing that has been tough is what i've done to push people away. people that cared. two people in my life were hurt bad by me. one was pushed away because i no longer felt like i did and i shut down. the relationship was a very long one. with many highs and lows. i will not go into detail but as much as she fucked things up, i fucked things up too. the other was hurt when i took the easy way out. i the king of taking the hard road took the easy way out and by doing that i hurt someone who really cared about me. now theres nothing left but my apologies and their hurt and disappointment.

with this out in the open, i dont know what to do. some people are going to say i'm retarded. some will say i'm doing this for attention. personally i dont care what people might think. if you think differently about me because of this then thats all on you. all i know is that for me i have to start working on me and getting me straightened out and the first step is letting people know whats going on.

jamey

this makes me happy.
my brother, my sister, and myself. together at christmas for the first time in 14 years.