there is a point where what you want, what you feel, what you need no longer matter. i found that point last night. part of me, the heart, feels the emotions i never wanted to feel again. the other part feels nothing. absolutely nothing. no remorse. no regret. no guilt. this is where i knew "the i" no longer mattered to me. this goes back to that saying that "you always hurt the ones you love the most" and "it works both ways." sometimes those people force you to do things that you didnt want to do. maybe its the lack of attention/affection. maybe its the things they forgot to do or the things they failed to do. you warn them that you arent as strong as they think and they laugh. but you are human and you make mistakes and bad choices. the difference for me is what i'm capable of keeping to myself. the difference is i'm able to keep it all to myself the bad choice and pain. i'm able to hide what most cant and for that those people closest to me never know how much shit i'm actually capable of. you only know the things i want to have let out. you'll only catch me, if i want to be caught. this is why i am where i'm at right now. the fact that i knew this would happen and that i knew i'd be able to keep it to myself. all while maintaining my normal behavior. this is why i never trust myself. i have no self control like that.
phoenixgirl:
im not quite sure exactly where you are going with this, but i hope your ok. Sometimes we hide our feelings not only from others' but from ourselves as well.
phoenixgirl:
It's hard not to hurt the one's we love, but sometimes it happens wether conciously or not. The bottom line is that you need to be happy, and if your not happy, then how can the relationship truly work?...Both people need to make an effort, and if the girl in your current relationship is not making an effort, then you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. Becuase if niether one of you is giving your full potential to the relationship then it's really not fair to either one of you. Now, granted, past relationships can determine your course, but don't let them completely dictate what you do in the future. All you can do is take it one day at a time. You always deserve a good person, but don't let that mentality sway you in who to date, because you might get a hotty and she will have a shitty personality, or you might come across someone who isn't a "hottie" who could very well end up bieng the one. The thing is, you can't just go looking for true love, it just happens, and usually when you least expect it. 