Been here 16 years off and on

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It's crazy a good portion of my adult life has been spent coming here and participating or reminiscing. I went through all my posts. Crazy to think about where I was and where I've been. Hope your Quarantanuary is going alright out there.

oninotaki:
I came back because of the pandemic, something about this place and the memories called me back. Hope you and yours are safe.
fuck:
you still in michigan brother?

Broken up

5

We broke up yesterday. Time to move on. Shit sucks. Oh well.

Wishing

6

I wish I was weaker than I am. I wish I was less determined. I wish I knew how to give up or quit. I wish I knew what it was like to only see things in a way that made things a more gray area place than I live in. I wish I knew how to fix where I’m at and knew how to...
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Distance

6

She asked me tonight for space. I have to respect that. It hurts, but it’s something that I can’t negotiate. I hope that she’s not leading me on. We still have a trip planned together. I hope that in taking a step back, when can take more steps forward. If not I guess I’ll be my usual single self. Only time will tell.

edmea:
♥️
hilo:
Sometimes its hard than we imagine

Leaving on a Jet Plane for Mars

6

My anxiety has spoken to me in ways that my own enemies haven’t. It tried to convince me that my girlfriend didn’t want me to come into town. It tried to convince me to stay in Phoenix and not Fly to NYC. It tried to convince me that all of its lies were true and thankfully my support system and friends convinced me to tell...
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It comes for us...

7

I’ve seen such beauty in this world. Such peace. I’ve seen both oceans here in America and dug my feet in the sands. I’ve seen museums and paintings that evoke such passionate joy that I’d sit and stare for hours. I’ve seen acts of kindness that could be only believed if seen with your own eyes. I’ve seen such love that it would break a...
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emeralda:
so sensitive! love your writing. been there done that. hope you feel better
chillism:
great blog, I identified myself in many things. I hope everything will be okay! Believe it. Positive thinking.

Late night

5

When do you draw a line in the sand and say enough is enough? When do you just admit you’re too much for anyone else? Or that you’re not enough? That you don’t have the tools to be in a happy healthy relationship? When do you just admit you’re better off alone? When do you admit that your inner monologue is right and has been...
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floxy:
all people have this shitty period of life... It could  be impossible belive but im so depressed person too... And sometimes i cant help myself... But you know, after dark days we always will have sun. Sending you hugs.

Crippling Anxiety and Fear

5

I’ve struggled my whole life with being pessimistic but never really thought that the late nights and almost paralyzing fear were something that affected my daily life. It was separate. But now it’s making me stay up late, not eat, have anxiety caused by fear of abandonment and an sense that everything is just temporary so why keep people around. I’m getting help tomorrow. I’m...
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VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
user997870:
You have to have the strength to seek help and sure that you will improve a lot in this. You have to have someone to talk to, but everything will be fine 😉🧡
fuck:
They put me on meds. Zoloft essentially. We’ll see how it worlds out but can’t be worse than where I was at.

Dear her,

 4
fuck:
I wish you knew how much I’m fighting everything in my head, how much my head is trying to kill this but my heart is keeping me here. I wish I could tell you that when I talk to you the mess from my head mostly calms down. I wish I could stare at you for days sometimes not saying a word just taking you in. Sometimes I just look at photos of you and wish that we could be closer. Phoenix to Brooklyn seems so far apart. I wish I could tell you exactly how long I’ve felt unlovable but truth is it’s been most of my life, as well as, never really feeling like I belong anywhere. I honestly, feel sometimes like I don’t deserve you but I’ve grown to love myself as much as I hate my flaws. I wish I had the confidence I used to have, that dude didn’t give a single fuck. He fought fucked and drank his way through everything. I’ve lost so much, sometimes I feel like I lost myself. I find myself always looking for ways out even when I’m trying to stay. Never really know where I’m going. But I can’t give up, and I can’t let you go without a fight and that fight is against my current level of anxiety and lack of confidence. I was tired of it before we met but it amplified when we met and it’s been trying to sabotage me and my happiness. I know you know I’m getting the help I need. The therapist at work and now trying to get medication on Monday. They say we either have fight or flight, and the flight is trying to be the dominant one here but I’m too much of a fighter, it’s all I’ve ever known, it’s all I’m good at, it’s all I am. Time to start admitting that and using it to my advantage now. If I’ve ever loved anyone, it’s you. Undoubtably, all out and with everything I have. I won’t sacrifice my complete happiness and if I feel uncomfortable I’m going to say my peace. I won’t say you complete me because truth is that hole is something no one can fill. But I will say you’re the thing I look forward to the most everyday. Getting home and getting to FaceTime you is my favorite part of my day. Seeing you laugh or smile, is the greatest gift you give me. I would give everything I have to make this work, within reason. I wouldn’t flinch.

Untitled

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VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
fuck:
@santianna maybe, but I’m self destructive, a mess and have a lot issues to work through. I guess we’ll see.
chillism:
just live dear, living with blocks is not cool. Will be all right!!!
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