friedhamster

Every night is heaven and each morning is hell.

I dream about us each time I fall to sleep and it's perfection. I see myself as I should have been. How I was too few times. How I should have treated her. It's bliss. It's so real too, some dreams you can tell are dreams but not these. I wake up convinced.

When I wake up though it's hell. There's that split second where it's still so real and my mind is still partly dreaming and part is awake. So I think I can roll over and kiss her, or wrap my arms around her, or just call her. But I can't do that because that's when I realize it was a dream.

I just lay there and it hurts.

I'll hear a car door close outside of my room and jump up and look out my window hoping it's her. It isn't. And I know it won't ever be. It's terrible, I hate it so much.

Now I know she has an interest in someone else. I know he likes her too. She told me he said that when we were still going out. So now I have a name and face to imagine next to hers.

I fear my dreams tonight. I'm so scared what they will be... I don't want to go to sleep. I'm afraid I'll see her with him and she'll be 100 times happier than she ever was with me. I don't want to go to sleep tonight.

Maybe I'll just stay up all night and go for a long walk. Walking seems to help... Trouble is with walking I'll pass so many places we went together and each time I do it'll feel like a nail being smacked right into my eye or something.

Oh boo-hoo right, stop being so butthurt and get over her. Hmm, how about not. First girlfriend ever, first love ever. I'm never going to forget this girl. Lost my virginity to her. I will NEVER forget her no matter what.

I want her back so, so, so badly...