freudianslip

I miss having someone that knows me...really knows me and loves me fully despite it and I miss having someone that I feel the same about. Being with someone without saying a word and fully peaceful, cuddling, the soft caress. Making them happy with sweet gestures, being appreciated, sharing everything and being happy about opening myself up in that way. Knowing someone trusts me to share everything with. Waking up and feeling safe in someones arms, having them feel safe with me. Kisses........

They are the yearnings of things that at this stage of my life I identify with needing from homever I choose to be that other part of me. Clearly passionate sex is on that list. At this point I can't imagine screwing someone just to have sex. I can't tolerate bad sex and the lack of intimacy I fear puts the best act in that category! So I just keep about me and trust when it's time-what I desire will present itself. hopefully when it does I will be prepared and not let useless fears dictate!

My Joe...we don't know exactly what happened. He married a friend about a year or so after I left. Comfort-he hated being alone. He'd called jst a few days before he passed and he sounded so tired. He would call from time to time and that was the second time I heard that exhaustion in his voice. More then tired, it's like his very soul was tired. I asked him about his diabetes and I knew that the Bipolar meds drained him, they were constantly changing the cocktail as nothing seemed to be quite right for him, but still he didn't sound right and I was concerned. His mother told me that he showed up at her house probably two days after he and spoke. he knew she went to church on Sunday's and exactly what time so it was odd for him to be there then. he asked her if she would mind if he went with her and she was elated(His mom Knew most of what was going on with him) she said it was beautiful, they went to church and then went for Brunch afterwards. He said he was unhappy in the marriage and couldn't do it anymore but didn't believe in divorce(the catholic in him) she said he could come home and they could separate for awhile, maybe see later how they felt before he made a final decision and that he seemed really happy and optimistic about that.

he was supposed to stop back by the next day to pick up his meds and called to say he didn't feel well and he would come by Tuesday. Apparently at some point he told his wife he really didn't feel well and wanted to go to the hospiital, she said no. he called out of work Tuesday. The wife said the spoke around 1:30 ish and he said he was hungry, was going to take insulin and eat. She apparently got home sometime after 3 and he was unconscious on the floor. the story was. she called 911, they asked if he was still breathing she said yes but his face was covered in blood(it seemes he just bled out through his eyes and ears) I personally remember that with anurysisms, but I have also heard when a soul leaves through the top of the head- the bleed out happens...... They tried to get her to do CPR. She said no and wouldn't do it...they got there a few minutes later and pronounced him.

His brother got the call because he worked closely with the EMT's so he went...his sister called that night but must have dialed the wrong number. I walked into work to an e-mail from her asking me to call her. I replied is everything ok? She replied not really, so as I was about to leave my desk to call her,I called her. I should have known better....I guess at that point I was just in denial that anything could have happened to him....it wasn't good Iremember standing at my desk rounding that stupid cubbie and then someone lifting me off the floor. Next thng I knew I was behind closed doors with one of the directors on her knees in front of me with tissue -just holding my leg and our boss sitting behind me rubbing my back.

The report came back as an accidental death or something....there were only trace amounts of coke in his system, nothing stuck out as odd. I think the ME sucked ass. People don't just die, especially 34 year olds, ultimately I think he was just done with the constant struggle. he had been a boxer for the Marine Core and signed a pro deal when the diabetes came along, The core just released him early without telling him what to watch for and that he should be concerned. So he almost died from an insane blood sugar level. He drove himself to the VA and collapsed at the front desk-woke up nearly a week later in the hospital. They said his sugar would have killed a normal person. He was tough and a good man despite all the shit. He never got over losing his boxing career and so many child hood demons-abusive alcoholic father who's approval ironically was very important to him....Just always fighting. Never realized the fight of his life wasn't for a crowd in a ring-it was for his own survival and I hated that because he deserved so much more then to feel that way. All my love couldn't change that for him, but I am happy he knew I really did love him and happier still to know without doubt -he really did love me. He's at peace so I can only be thankful and continue on my path. Having him in my life was a blessing and a curse........and I will always miss him dearly, I always have.

Good grief...I feel EMO today-could be the heavy rain, but we need it here.

Dreams are wonderful they keep us sane and in that I am a believer! So ok any word yet? They are probably going to hold you in suspense and make you sweat. You know you sound upbeat today. How do you feel? Oh and I do have to apologize for my poor grammer as of late. It seems to be getting worse and worse, oddly I've noticed it's not just me.