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One of the things I love about the SG community is that everyone can be free to be themselves. As open or closed as they like, as happy or sad, as chatty or quiet as they choose. True, some people come here for the nudity and sexuality, but many of the people I have encountered here are just that; people. Living life and sharing and trying to find peace and joy and belonging. And all that goes with it.
Normally, I'm right there in the mix. Trying to spread positivity and kindness and, hopefully, humour. Lately, though, I know I have been remiss in my participation here on SG. I've been dealing with a lot of stress and frustration at work, problems with my business partners/parents, and just the struggle of the day-to-day that can sometimes eat a person's will to do much more than sit on a couch and watch tv whilst eating take out.
Recently, I lost a dear friend of mine. It hit me hard and I have been working through my grief and mourning and coming to a place now where I can talk about her. None of my family or friends locally gave a shit about my loss, so I've been relieved that some distant friends and folks I have met here on SG have been helping me and sharing their shoulder. I can't talk about her openly on my social media platforms for reasons that may become obvious, so if you will all indulge me, I would like to vent out some feelings and thoughts and share my story of my friend Judy.
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I'd like to start with the end. In April, Judy was dealing with some health issues, which were diagnosed as a dental issue. The pain, the symptoms, the fatigue continued to worsen until she was rushed into the Emergency room of the Hospital on June 6th, and they realized the dental issues were a misdiagnosis. Instead, they discovered that she had Stage 4 Triple Negative Carcinoma Breast Cancer. It was spreading rapidly. It metastasized into her breasts, lungs, lymph system, liver, brain, and mouth. The doctors have never seen it before or even heard of it happening.
They kept her at the Hospital for pain management and to help maintain her current health, and in less than a week had her starting aggressive Chemo and radiation therapy. They discussed surgeries and a double mastectomy, and other procedures. Not only was it invasive and painful, but it had my friend scared shitless.
She stopped communicating online and her boyfriend took over her social media and her phone messages, asking people to respect that she needed rest and positive energy. It severely restricted how much I could talk to her and what we could talk about, but we did discuss a few things, like going for lunch when she was recovered and where we would be going. Future plans.
Things just kept getting better and then worse, but Judy kept up such brilliant spirit. Her boyfriend was amazing, staying by her side at all times, finding little ways and places to go on mini "dates" in the Hospital, coordinating visits from family and friends. Special treats and gifts. He proposed to her in the Hospital. The dude abides.
On Sunday, July 7th, I awoke suddenly from a deep sleep and shot up to sit on the edge of my bed. To an empty room I said "Judy just died." Then I realized what I had just done and stared at my phone with trepidation. I didn't want to check. Finally, I went onto Facebook, and saw the last post from her boyfriend talking about how everyone had gathered around her and how she was fading away. While I watched, it updated to announce that she had just passed away. The kindest and most beautiful soul I have ever known passed away in fear and pain, weak and not willing to let it break her spirit. I cried all day, and went back through all of her posts, our conversations, her pictures she sent me. Everything Judy.
I finally got myself together enough to go out to get food, I left the house and got into my van. I have a USB stick with 12,000+ songs on it in my van, set to random. The very first song that came on was "Judith" by A Perfect Circle. It made me laugh and cry at the same time. Because I knew my friend was telling me that I would be ok. The song has nothing to do with her, except the name, but I thought I would share it here:
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It was a rough night that night and I kept wanting to message Judy to chat with her. I still want to. The next morning, I got in my van to go to work, and, no word of a lie, the song that came on was "Judy Staring at the Sun" by Catherine Wheel. It stunned me, but I laughed again.
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There was a song that came on the next day that I will discuss in a moment.
Now, for the beginning and the middle:
Judy and I went to school together. We grew up in the same classes and were always friendly to each other. She was smart and silly and always smiling. But, she got pregnant at a very young age, like 15 or 16, and disappeared.
Somewhere along the way, Facebook appeared and eventually her and I found each other there. We were casual friends, joking and laughing and supporting each other. We would send fun and creative Birthday messages or Holiday wishes. Just tailored to each other. It was always a treat to get a message from her.
Then, my divorce hit. Utterly the worse days of my life. Judy started checking in on me and chatting with me and we started having late night conversations and day time quips and sharing memes. Her kindness and maturity and love carried me through the darkest moments and helped shape me into who I am now. I absolutely would not have a shred of caring or love for the world if Judy hadn't shown me the way. She is why I am the way I am today and I will forever be grateful to her.
I have such a hard time describing what Judy was in this world. She was the most 'womanly' woman I ever knew. She was a homemaker, a wonderful mother, a community member, a beacon of success in her workplace, a fantastic friend. She could go to a football game and chug beer and yell at the teams, and she could sit in an elegant restaurant sipping wine and being glamourous. She'd watch horror movies alone, terrified, and then laugh when I would joke that I was hiding under her bed. Judy never showed judgement to anyone. If you were homeless or an outcast, you weren't anything but a beautiful person to her. She was genuine and she was trusting and she loved everyone and the world with all her heart, unabashedly.
She shared with me how much of a crush she had on me, from school to that day. Not long after, Judy became the first person I ever sexted with. (Those few of you who have had the chance to sext with me, can thank her for easing me onto that path the right way. 😉) We grew very close and talked about starting a relationship together. We lived too far apart and had lives and obligations neither of us could forgo. But it was always in our minds and hearts. We both knew that part of it was a rebound for me, but Judy was so understanding and graceful about it.
One day, a song came on the radio randomly that made me think of her, so I messaged her about it. Damned if I didn't get a message back saying she was listening to the exact same song and thinking of me, followed by a video of her in her car listening to the song. It became our song, and it played the first thing when I got into my van on that third day after her passing. That's when I finally knew I would be alright.
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Throughout the last 10 years, Judy lost both of her brothers to dumb accidents. And her mom. And then her dad. With Judy's passing, her whole family is gone from the earth, survived by her children, and by her brothers' children. Her kids are amazing, let me tell you. She left behind a legacy in them that is a bright light in this world. I see so much of her in them, and she was so very proud of the people they have become.
With that, I share with you Judy. May you all have the chance to meet and know someone like her.
To everyone who has read this, I want you to know, fully and without doubt, that when I say you are my friend or that I love you, I mean it with my whole heart. Because Judy helped me find that in myself and how to share it.
I love you my friends and I hope you are doing well.
Rest in Peace Judy. I love you and will miss you every day.
Fuck Cancer.
Fred
