I have consumed almost half a bottle of wine. We have just started watching Twilight. This is going to be... fucking awful.
FreakPirate Watches Twilight
Probably contains spoilers, not that you're really missing anything.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)
Thirty second impression: holy shit is Bella ever fucking whiny. Also, this movie is lit in a very strange, offputting way. The colour is... off.
I'm going to run out of wine long before I run out of movie.
GAY ASIAN ALERT! Also, "chillax" is not a fucking word and I will wrap that skinny tie around your neck!
I only made it 50 pages into the book and already this seems off. Not enough whinging.
Ooh... they're from Alaska. That explains it. Alaska breeds fucking loons. Yes,
Trevor. I'm looking at you.
Bella makes the vampire sick. I understand the feeling. I too feel ill at ease right now. But it's probably just the god damned production which is bothering me way more than it should. And way more than the shit plot and lacking characters. I was taught not to do crap like this and it pains me a little to see "professionals" do it. Oh yeah, I'm sure it's supposed to be "art" or some nonsense like that but it's washed out and distracting.
OOH! We've found the whining!
Now officially out of wine. Balls.
Shock of shocks. Vampires kill people. I'm so glad Stephanie Meyer is adding something new to the vampire mythos.
Non-Twilight: Jody just finished knitting matching hats for her sister, brother-in-law and baby niece. Stacked on top of each other they are pretty damn adorable. Also, in appropriate Oiler colours. Even though I'm sure it pains her a tiny bit to do so.
BACK TO SHITTY MOVIE!
SPOILERS! (Click to view)And Bella talks to the vampire. These two have about as much chemistry as oil and water with no acting talent. I mean, I'm sure they have no script to work with but jesus fuck... Like talking planks. With bad eyebrows.
VAMPIRES PUNCH CARS TO A HALT! How the hell does no one question this at all? Witnesses left and right and not a single one sees the vampire fly out of blue friggin' nowhere.
Also, Dr. Cullen is offensively pasty even by vampire standards. Even by the low, low, low standards of this movie.
Adrenalin rushes do not explain away basic physics. Vans squish people flat. Adrenalin makes you lift things maybe. Sure. Does not. Stop. Vans. Van go squish. God how I wish the van would have gone squish.
Aww... gay asian is concerned about Bella being interested in another guy. Nice attempt at cover gay asian. No one's buying it.
Does anyone actually use the term "palefaces" any more?
Why hello random black vampire. Where exactly did you come from?
Ran out of wine. Switched to the ridiculously tasty plum wine Jody brought from Seattle. If my liver didn't object so readily I would drink this stuff like Kool Aid.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)Oh shit! While I was fiddling with the picture size Bella almost got caught by a creepy rape gang! Good thing the equally creepy, borderline rapist vampire is there to save her. Also, he can read all minds but hers? The part of me currently watching True Blood is irked as well.
The vampire running up the side of the hill to reveal his true self to Bella looks like the yodelling mountaineer from The Price is Right. And Jesus Titty Fucking Christ the douchebag sparkles. My brain, stomach, appendix, spleen and sense of cinematic decency all just threw up. Hard. My liver is demanding compensation.
"I've never wanted a human's blood as much as I want you."
"I trust you"
WAHH!!!! This ranks number bloody one on the list of poor teenage life decisions. Just above "a little more meth can't hurt" and "it's RAT poison, not ME poison".
There's some ridiculous exposition in here. I can not possibly sum up how bad it is. Everything about this movie offends me terribly.
Daww. She's comin' home to meet the whole vampire family and guess what... they're out and out pricks. I, of course, am in a world of shock.
Currently more interested in the two NHL games going on as the four teams playing directly affect my team's standings. One game has no possible good outcome. I want both teams to lose.
I am desperately hoping that the Kings beat the Stars. Not only is that better for my team in the standings but I hate the god damned Dallas Stars more than almost every other team in the National Hockey League. Largely because, no matter how good or bad our respective teams may be, we can not beat the bastards. Except last week when we squeaked by them.
If you read one thing in this journal entry, please make it this link.
SPOILERS! (Click to view)It's time for sparkly vampire baseball. And, apparently, Muse? I generally feel bad for referees (except Mick McGough, the foul bastard), but being the ref for a murderous vampire baseball game must be a little awkward. At the worst an NHL player might two-hand slash you in the face... vampires will be shitty actors until your face melts off. Also, thunder baseball?
Welcome back token black vampire!
I stopped paying attention for a few minutes but now everyone is angry. Token black vampire was the Mormon doctor on House. I liked him better when he was ridiculously self righteous and could act.
I'll be honest, I was going to try to make it through the whole movie. I wanted to try to be funny but this is just so absolutely 110% bullshit. I haven't seen a movie so poorly written or poorly acted in a long time. My left testicle is a better actor than 3/4 of this cast and he's the weak one.
It's seriously fucking depressing that this series is popular. It's a god awful thing for ANYONE, let alone impressionable children to be reading. I'm having another drink.
And then I'm going to watch Jody clean the cats' ears because that will be funnier than Twilight.
-TM