oy... back to the internet and the SG journal duties! 
i'm still in SF... just for one more day tho... gotta return to Pomona and face my life there sooner or later... i've been kinda avoiding thoughts to do with that place and with recent situations having to do with that place lately... last night i had a dream that i was in some bar, and i went back to either the restrooms or some other sort of hidden place for some reason, and while i was in there i suddenly heard the voice of my housemate, Willie, coming from the main part of the bar and all these people saying "Hey, WIllie! Hi Willie!" all over, and i just stayed hidden or snuck out the back door, i can't remember anymore, i just mainly remember this feeling that i just wanted to stay hidden, or unseen...
um... i didn't want to talk about the "traumatizing thing" cause i didn't want to tell too many people about it, not SG people anyway... but i don't really know why... but anyways it's basically that i had a car accident; and this one was for some reason WAY more traumatizing than the first one i was in... this happened about a week ago, before i left for SF, and i was having horrible flashbacks like up until yesterday... i don't even feel in the clear yet from flashbacks... my mind has actually blacked out the entire incident except for the 2 points of impact, with another car and then with a light post... my mind actually blacked out the entire memory of what happened before the first impact, and between the two impacts, like pretty much immediatelly after the accident happened. I wasn't even able to remember for the cops or the insurance how it started, and even now i'm not totally sure what happened.. when i try to remember it too hard, i have some kind of breakdown that i don't feel like having now... when i was trying to remember it for the insurance co. on the phone i started having a hysterical attack of some kind... anyways this has been a point of real trauma.. and those two blinks of memory that my mind has retained have been coming back to attack me at random this whole week...
the first few days after the accident i wasn't mentally good for anything, and just sat at home and sobbed and drank tequila with Big Willie and watched bad 80's porn, which was Willie's idea of how to get one's mind off of things... And me and Willie bitched about how long their nails were and how hairy their snatches were and that was all fine and good.... i tried walking in Pomona during the day, and found out just how many prostitutes there really are in that town... it looks like half the population is whores when you really look close at it... i was basically stranded out in that dusty place all week... i guess fortunatelly the arts colony is walking distance so i had all that biz-natch to distract me...
and so SF has been sort of an escape... and the flashbacks left me largely alone during the wedding... which was SO elaborate and looked like it had zillions of $$$ thrown at it too.... not terribly suprising, being that of my sister, always the shnazzilly-dressed one; and her fiancee always the big-spenda'...
I had one other thing to get my mind off my lil private mental dramas too... It turns out my parents aren't fully, completelly legally divorced yet... I thought the were; they started this process like almost a year and a half ago or something like that, maybe not even that long but i thought they were over with it... and in the days leading up to the wedding there was some massive accusations going back and forth over cell phones that I wound up witnessing... i'll just say that things are looking way.. Way more complicated than i ever thought they were...
so anyways, i'm trying to get a grip back on reality... dude, fuck all those people who preached to me about what the "Real World" was all about... MY ASS this shit is more "real" than what came before... things have become fucking SURREAL...
... that's the LAST time i want to talk or write about the accident or the flashbacks btw...
i talked to 2 people about the Czech Republic, the day immediatelly after the wedding... people who had been there... i think i've actually started to set up contacts there...
...and in the recent few days, 3 different people have asked me if i'm from New York, and when i said no they said I looked like it. I'm not sure what that means but it's interesting, and curious cause i've only ever been there a total of 2 hours...
...that's probably all you wanna read about me right now...
i'm still in SF... just for one more day tho... gotta return to Pomona and face my life there sooner or later... i've been kinda avoiding thoughts to do with that place and with recent situations having to do with that place lately... last night i had a dream that i was in some bar, and i went back to either the restrooms or some other sort of hidden place for some reason, and while i was in there i suddenly heard the voice of my housemate, Willie, coming from the main part of the bar and all these people saying "Hey, WIllie! Hi Willie!" all over, and i just stayed hidden or snuck out the back door, i can't remember anymore, i just mainly remember this feeling that i just wanted to stay hidden, or unseen...
um... i didn't want to talk about the "traumatizing thing" cause i didn't want to tell too many people about it, not SG people anyway... but i don't really know why... but anyways it's basically that i had a car accident; and this one was for some reason WAY more traumatizing than the first one i was in... this happened about a week ago, before i left for SF, and i was having horrible flashbacks like up until yesterday... i don't even feel in the clear yet from flashbacks... my mind has actually blacked out the entire incident except for the 2 points of impact, with another car and then with a light post... my mind actually blacked out the entire memory of what happened before the first impact, and between the two impacts, like pretty much immediatelly after the accident happened. I wasn't even able to remember for the cops or the insurance how it started, and even now i'm not totally sure what happened.. when i try to remember it too hard, i have some kind of breakdown that i don't feel like having now... when i was trying to remember it for the insurance co. on the phone i started having a hysterical attack of some kind... anyways this has been a point of real trauma.. and those two blinks of memory that my mind has retained have been coming back to attack me at random this whole week...
the first few days after the accident i wasn't mentally good for anything, and just sat at home and sobbed and drank tequila with Big Willie and watched bad 80's porn, which was Willie's idea of how to get one's mind off of things... And me and Willie bitched about how long their nails were and how hairy their snatches were and that was all fine and good.... i tried walking in Pomona during the day, and found out just how many prostitutes there really are in that town... it looks like half the population is whores when you really look close at it... i was basically stranded out in that dusty place all week... i guess fortunatelly the arts colony is walking distance so i had all that biz-natch to distract me...
and so SF has been sort of an escape... and the flashbacks left me largely alone during the wedding... which was SO elaborate and looked like it had zillions of $$$ thrown at it too.... not terribly suprising, being that of my sister, always the shnazzilly-dressed one; and her fiancee always the big-spenda'...
I had one other thing to get my mind off my lil private mental dramas too... It turns out my parents aren't fully, completelly legally divorced yet... I thought the were; they started this process like almost a year and a half ago or something like that, maybe not even that long but i thought they were over with it... and in the days leading up to the wedding there was some massive accusations going back and forth over cell phones that I wound up witnessing... i'll just say that things are looking way.. Way more complicated than i ever thought they were...
so anyways, i'm trying to get a grip back on reality... dude, fuck all those people who preached to me about what the "Real World" was all about... MY ASS this shit is more "real" than what came before... things have become fucking SURREAL...
... that's the LAST time i want to talk or write about the accident or the flashbacks btw...
i talked to 2 people about the Czech Republic, the day immediatelly after the wedding... people who had been there... i think i've actually started to set up contacts there...
...and in the recent few days, 3 different people have asked me if i'm from New York, and when i said no they said I looked like it. I'm not sure what that means but it's interesting, and curious cause i've only ever been there a total of 2 hours...
...that's probably all you wanna read about me right now...
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
i'm fucked.