So, today I found out my brother's dog had gone missing. My folks theorize the local bears got in a tussle with him and he's either dead or dying. I told my friend this, in a rather matter of fact way, and was told I seemed too casual with the whole thing. Honestly, I didn't know how to respond to that. Back home, death is a matter of life, especially when it comes to pets. Three dogs that I loved have died in the last two years I've been off screwing around in the Corps. Pets died when I was at home to, from cars, animals, the neighbors being dicks.
How does this tie into emotion, you might ask? You simply sound like a sociopath, those words could be coming from your lips. I could very well be a sociopath, but it hasn't been proven yet so fuck off. I guess, as I grew up, I learned to hide away emotion. Happiness is so alien to me that I question it everytime I feel it. At the most, the happiest I usually get is content, but it seems a good woman can bring out what little of my heart isn't black yet. It's not hard for one to bring it out, I'm usually dying for any sort of affection.
Anger is a big one these days. My work brings me to the brink of a psychotic rage far too often. But, I gave my word, and that is my honor. I've only got one year and seven months until my bond releases me. I get so angry these days, that I feel dizzy. I bite the inside of my mouth to keep from screaming and the taste of my own blood just pisses me off more. I never thought I had a temper like my father until it was pushed to the extreme.
Sadness ties into that, once the anger fades it leaves my body an empty husk. For some reason an empty husk attracts depression and it's buddy anxiety, and they just love me for some reason. They're like two little vermin, burrowing into my body and eating what little self worth I have left. It's all I can do to shove a red hot knife into my psyche to kill them.
Right now, I'm mostly depressed, because I was always taught growing up that showing emotion was weakness. The knife is pretty good tonight, and I'm back to being content, or will be in about five minutes. I figure I'll drink a Code Red, relax to a movie, and sleep until 0500. If you made it to the end of this, congrats, you realized I might be an emo kid.
