fellonearth

Damned if Big Love ain't the greatest show. I just watched three episodes in a marathon session (HBO On Demand rocks my socks off). Who knew rooting for a family of polygamists could be so fun. Sure its weird, bizarre and a whole host of other descriptively odd words, but I can't help being fascinated (then again, I'm a total Dexter fan too, so maybe I am a bit disturbed). I keep meaning to pick up Jon Krakauer's book Under The Banner Of Heaven (it's been collecting dust on my shelf for over a year now). It's a well written documentary/commentary about the trials, tribulations and repression within the modern Mormon LDSF social structure. The "F", by the way, is for Fundamentalist, at least that's what "normal" LDS call them to try and separate or divorce themselves from the founder's "heaven sent" gospel calling for plural marriage. Funny how I always think of LSD when I think of Latter Day Saints (LDS). I can't help it. Maybe it's something to do with the relatively recent roots (19th Century) of the cult-come-religion that is the Mormon Church. It sort of reminds me a bit of Charlie Manson and how he won over his follower-believers in the 60's to shape the Manson Family. He used LSD instead of the spiritual mass hysteria, but during Joseph Smith's time that's all they had, but apparently that's all you needed (and just look at his family, er, church has grown!). Of course, most modern cult-religions don't usually last or succeed as well, take Jim Jones and his Jonestown followers of the People's Temple. They grew quickly, but were a bit short lived... Well, actually they drank cyanide laced Jesus Juice and ended up checking out with a one way ticket to paradise, or death. Who knows for sure, but I'm thirsty now. Or how about the re-emergence of the 7th Day Adventist splinter group, The Branch Davidians. David Koresh didn't tend to his flock well either, but he, like Jones, did practice a form of polygamy and they also liked their guns and engaged in a duel with the government. Unfortunately, all of his progeny and many of his core believers also died when their bodies were reduced to ashes during the siege of their compound in Waco, Texas (I think they forgot the "k" somewhere in the name of Waco). And of course, who can forget the evil cult lurking in my own backyard, The Heaven's Gate Cult, comprised of castrated eunuch, self-proclaimed alien pacifists (they caught the Solar Express riding the tail of comet Hale-Bopp by washing down a bunch of barbiturates with vodka... You want to talk about a cocktail?!? Zowie!).

Whenever I think about religions broadly, I can't help wondering if all religions really aren't just cults to one degree or another. Sure, it's all relative, Diff'rent Strokes for Diff'rent Folks, right Arnold? I really shouldn't be judgmental, but then again, neither should they be... More people have been killed in the name of God then for any other reason except, perhaps, for money. With all these cults running about, I thought maybe I should jump on the band wagon and start my own religion. Oh I promise you it would be fun and I guarantee that there'd be plenty of religious holidays including several "floating ones" to be used in case of emergency (or when you just can't roll out of bed in the morning). You can drink any time you like (in fact, it's almost mandatory during "holidays", lest you be damned). But if sobriety is your thing, then sex can be substituted any time you like and should be exercised when ever possible (unless, of course that isn't your bag either) :eyeroll: Heaven can be achieved here on Earth folks, but everything in moderation, otherwise it just becomes a novelty and then life gets boring... Naturally, a large part of my cult will practice such sacramental activities like TV time (to watch HBO and Showtime), Internet worship (to worship SG), Beer baptism (to have the holy "spirits" enter your body), and of course, Sex time (the is where you can also receive the holy "spirits" and may even achieve a brief sense of Nirvana that awaits if you aren't reborn to "suffer" through another life). Stripping will be optional of course, but then again, so will be clothes. Doobie Tuesday will be mandatory (even if you don't smoke) and every payday is to be celebrated as if it were your last day on Earth. Hell, it's your money, you earned it right? Now go and spread the faith using it. Spend it all! Booze. Boobs. Blow. Whatever tickles your fancy, just go mad (your friends will worship you, trust me). Fortunately, I've thought up a day of penance too. It can actually be any day, or it could be a week, a month, a year, possibly longer. It basically involves pennies and asking for lots of them. Prayers held during penance may include such hymns as "brother (sister) can you spare a dime?" or the classic "will work for sex". During penance, cardboard daily worship mats can also double as a bed, a break dancing mat or even as a billboard featuring your spiritual insight of the day... "I spent all my damned money to buy a pen to write this stupid sign". "Caution: Outdoor Urban Technician At Work". "I'm bored, want to fuck?". "The End Is Neigh!" "You're Going To Hell Soon (Ask Me How)." "Jesus Hates You." "My cult is better then your religion." "Honk If You're Horny."

Seriously though, religion isn't my cup of tea, but neither is running off trying to live life like a one-hit-wonder 70's rock star. I'm happily boring sitting somewhere in the middle (oh, but the imagination I have... I could be a god. Or just end up going to hell. I haven't decided which yet.)