fellonearth

Dog Watch, Day Three.

Well, what to do, what to say? I've been watching the family of dogs and cats (7 and 3, animals that is) and have been busy trying to keep the massive garden that surrounds the house (more like a forest) from getting fried in the heat (it's a delicate balance, mustn't over water or let them go thirsty, the plants, not the animals). Throw a few renovation projects along with "normal" work (an managing to visiting the animals on my lunch breaks) and I'm one tired pup. I can hardly find the time to make myself dinner and have even skipped a few meals. I've got over a week left to go on my own. Well, I guess having 10 animals around hardly makes me "alone", but I sure am feeling lonely for some reason... More on that later.

On an aside note, today is 7.7.07. Yeah, I know it's just a date, no different then yesterday or tomorrow, but it is kind of cool. It's cool that the Live Earth concert is on, alot of cool bands played in multiple concerts around the word helping to spread the message: Solve the Climate Crisis: brought to you by Al Gore and Chevy (insert eye-roll here). Cynicism aside, Smashing Pumpkins, Roger Waters (playing Pink Floyd songs), The Police (Yes, as in THE Police), The Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Foo Fighters, Metallica, Duran Duran, & Lenny Cravitz all played, just to name a few. Even Spinal Tap made an appearance! Wow, talk about an event. I'm glad I caught some of it.

Ok, back to our story. In case you haven't had the opportunity to try and manage a house full of animals, let me tell you, sometimes it can be a handful. It's hard to spread enough affection around, especially when dealing with jealous and unruly dogs. I was petting Opie Cat while he was in my arms when Claire decided it would be a good idea to jump up and expertly nail me in the balls. I was understandably startled and responded in knee-jerk fashion by curling over involuntarily in the "Oof"! position. This subsequently freaked the cat out, causing him to tense up and scramble in my failing grip with his claws ripping and scratching as he flew from my arms. Poor Opie landed with a plop on his massive belly and the surrounding dogs went nuts going into "get the kitty" mode. Sigh. I felt so bad for dropping him and gave Claire a stern scolding before going to find Opie to tell him how sorry Claire & I were. At least it was a short drop and his tummy cushioned his fall, but I still feel like crap for dropping him... And that's just for starters. Earlier today, I was almost late for work because the little trickster, again Claire, decided that she wasn't going to be penned in today (they have to be temporarily penned while construction has been going on around the house). Every time I put her in with the rest of the dogs, she kept finding a way out. It took three "escapes" before I realized she was sneaking out through a small gap in the fence (she's small enough to squeeze through). I had to pile rocks in front of it to solve that one. Anyways, I came back for lunch to check on the dogs and let them out, and surprise, surprise, all the dogs were lazing in the shade outside the pen, the pile of rocks neatly pushed aside. Sigh. You just can't keep a good dog down (if you can't keep a good dog pound). I guess they need more "me" time...

Ok, now back to this "loneliness" business. It's been about two weeks since my step-sister's awesome wedding and I had a blast visiting with my family and getting down with my bad self on the dance floor. It was nice to see them and to boogie by booty, but one thing I kept noticing was how everyone has found a "significant other", except me, and I started to feel a bit melancholic. Yeah, I know, "woe is me", boo-hoo, get over it, right? If it were only that easy. I just turned thirty and realized that I've had only a handful of relationships and none of them have worked out well. I want to think that I just haven't met the right person yet and that there is nothing wrong with me, but what if there is? I do know I would probably be more successful (in life, in general) if I could just muster enough self-confidence to be a little more bold in life by taking it by the horns and being more positive. Problem is I don't really believe these type of cliche statements, I'm far too cynical to fall for them. I think my problem is "analysis paralysis". I think too much and get stuck in my head worrying about what might happen instead of making things happen. That's probably why I suck at relationships. The problem is that somewhere in life, I learned to doubt myself and others around me. It seems that my life-long struggle has been overcoming this and I'm no further past it then I was over 10 years ago when I went through when childhood innocence was crushed and Pandora's box of insecurities was thrown wide open. Back then it was enough for me to say "fuck you, you ugly and dirty world, you have no longer have a place for me here". I was in a dark, dark place. Good thing I didn't off myself though, that might have sucked. Over time, realization set in and won me over: life is suffering. It's also what you make of it and you can some times have a good time between the suffering, besides, although it's relative, life could be a hell of a lot worse then it is. (Damn, more cliches, they must be winning me over). I need to get out more.

I do know this one person I could call, but I'm not sure what kind of message I'd be giving her though (I'm not sure what kind of message I want to giver her). She's a long time friend of the family who got married a few years ago to a guy from Argentina and had a beautiful daughter with him. She's since moved back up here to take a break from him and to be with her family for awhile (especially since he's started using hard drugs, coke I think). She's at a crossroads now in her life and may decide to stay here and leave him for good. I feel like a bit of an ass because a small part of my brain is screaming out "run for your life", but she is a friend and my conscience and heart are telling me to reach out to her. The fact that I used to have a childhood crush on her doesn't help either. I know being a friend really doesn't mean anything more then that, but then again I know how desperate I am right now. I'm not even sure if she actually likes me anyways. Damn insecurities...

Anyways, thirty years, and what the hell have I been doing?

Bonus