fellonearth

Ok, I get it, it's been a while since my last confession... Er, I mean journal post. (Glances at calendar). Wow, over a month! It's a new record!

So why the sudden silence? Well, other then being "preoccupied", I've actually been feeling relatively uninspired to do much of anything else. Work sucks, I need get a degree (I'm on the 15 year plan...), and I'm living at home (though I STILL haven't finished my little renovation project). Yes, my life is pretty pathetic. But it isn't all that screwed up (I've got my honey to thank for that). Actually, I have a better perspective of things and I've been motivated to re-evaluate my life. Consensus? I need to make some major changes. Not a complete overhaul (lets be realistic here) but I do want to change. I've never been much of a self-starter (I'm more the cautious, stubborn and pessimistic type) but I've been working on that. I am truly amazed when I see other with a seemingly unending reserve of confidence and motivation (where was I when they were handing that out?) Oh right, busy falling down the rabbit hole while every hope & dream in my innocent heart and mind were being shredded into dust... Bitterness aside, I've come to realize that it isn't about success, but about surviving those failures and learning to overcome those temporary 10 year set-backs. My real problem is that I lose focus too quickly and can't seem to stay on task for very long. Sure I've got some long term goals, but how can I reach those if I keep fumbling over the shorter ones. Sigh... Ok I know, I know... Life's a beach, right? Well I wish it were anyways. It's difficult to retrain myself to stop thinking negatively and doubting myself (OK, psychotherapy... Cha-ching!) I'd like to go back to school with the same level of determination (and predestined notion) that some of those uber-focused high-school grads have, but I never saw myself being, say a doctor or a lawyer, or anything else for that matter... That's right, I'm jack-of-all-trades-and-master-of-nothing-guy!

Seriously, this seems to have been the biggest obstacle (other then staying focused) towards launching into a successful career. Sure I've tread down several different paths trying to "find" the right course, but so far, none have given me that "this is it, this is what I was meant to do" tingle (no spidey-sense here folks). What am I to do? Career counseling! (Cha-ching!.. Well not really). The last time I did that, I nearly ended up in the military Just because you have a high ASVAB score doesn't mean you should join. (Sorry you military folks, but I had a really bad experience). Bah, I'm rambling again. (Stay focused, stay focused, STAY FOCUSED!!!) Ahem. Well, I guess I should be spending more time pouring over The Department of Labor's job outlook statistics to see where there best opportunities are (oh wait, the last time I "focused" on the fastest growing sector (in IT), I actually took some classes only to find out that most these jobs in the "fastest growing sector" were being outsourced overseas to Bangalore and Bombay (now as it was before colonial rule - Mumbai). So much for the internet. Soo... How the hell did I end up working in a bike shop? The funny thing is that I'm their tech guy (no not a mechanic) I mean computer tech. Without me they'd be lost (or at least hurting badly). So what? I don't really care. I know I'm under paid and under appreciated but that doesn't matter. What matters is that I allowed myself to be treated that way. Enough. I'm no prima donna, but I shouldn't settle for less then the best job. (Any one got any ideas?) Oh, right... I've got to be a self-starter, a winner, no negative thoughts! Ok, that's a load of crap. I am who I am, right? Besides, I'm starting to sound like Greg Kinnear's character in Little Miss Sunshine (good movie I might add). Hmm, maybe I should be a movie critic. I DO like watching movies, and I am quite critical of them. I wonder how much those cads get paid to shill mindless dribble to get you into the movies? I mean, come on "The Greatest Movie Event Of The Year, Perhaps Of The Century". Uh, right. Oops, rambling again. Well I'm going to draw it to a close here. I don't know why I just wrote all this crap. Tomorrow I may feel completely different, but then again Im in dire need of some social contact since my honey is so far away it's got me feeling blue. But then again, when I think of her I get all warm and fuzzy.

As she would say, "its all good".