eventide

thing is , worke up disappointed, and so i go to sleep that way. nothing really happened between then and now.
but what should? life?
i am in Estonia, now directing an opera. i look outside this hotel window and see northern stars.
i am bored i guess. no time to see this land. no time to meet its people. they are blonde and wear stockings. i had a date wi one, but got stood up. as a rule, i try to make a social date at least once a week, but i always get stood up. its just bad luck i know. they are good people, and things come up. its funny i know, but i always believe them. i mean , i do believe them. something did come up (if i call enough, i can eventually find this out). its ok. really. im used to it. its been going on for 30 years. its just i have bad luck with these things. i have very good luck with other things
anyway, i have no time to commit suicide these days.
ill have time this summer. maybe on the summer solstice. the north will be good ffor that. it is magic here. and you have the sense things go on for ever. and i believe they do, even after you jump.
its not reincarnation exactly. its certainly not heaven. its sort of ... i canat explain it. kind of a perfecdtion of things. no one will notice. thats cool. im guessing it will take 4 months for anyone to notice. my brother and father will hide it from my mother. ha. i like that- another secret. maybe i figure ouzt a way that no one finds out at all. ever. let me think about this...