dear helena,
day five.
feeling inspired getting into bed. i mean, full and ,. its not that i know what i want from this piece, but i know i want SOMETHING. and this feeling that all of this means something. that life means something - to have this feeling again. is wonderful. but there is another side to it too helena. that i am alone. and , its like, does it still exist , really, when there is no one to talk about it with?
do you know the story in zen: if a tree falls in the forest, and no one hears it, does it make a sound? i think in zen it is meant as irony. the monks are not stupid, of COURSE it makes a sound. that no one sees or hears me as i sing, and dance here, away from everyone. and go to bed feeling the beauty the urgency - the pain of life, to feel it with such power and poetry. i open my windows wide for the cold wind. i let it blow on my naked body until i begin to shake.
that i still do these stupid things - do you see what i mean? am i trapped in youth? in my mind i mean. did i forget to grow up? like HER. (i still think of her). i dream these nights of a young woman, who lets me kiss her mouth and wants me as much i do her. last night she had orange hair. the night before, she was small and was leaning against a fence. i touched her cheek. i think she was crying.
im remembering eva, the soprano in bonn, who wanted to get me to join landmark- a kind of a yuppie cult for executive types or something. and i told her i was intrigued, because somehow i know that this is what it is about, jumping over your shadow and becoming a full human being. achieving in the real world. getting what you need. and i let let her tell me all these things, lapsing as they do, into a kind of code-speak and i did not tell her, that i was secretly MILES away from ever doing it. why not? haa ha ha. save all my problems? look at me with my burning heart. my pain and passion, alone in this windy night. you see, dont you. this burning, this believing, in, in a movement. a work of art. this hanging on to my youth, well, this IS me. without it, sure, i may be able to have a relationship, maybe even be a useful member of society. but i would be long dead when that day arrives. woosh! hahaha.
this pain, this desperate desire to have a pair of eyes to look into now. to share a glass of wine with, with whom to open my heart and feel the great feelings of life .. and BE SO ALIVE AGAIN , or not. be what, like frey? see? pain? this kind or that. you tell me. whos lucky. whos free.
day five.
feeling inspired getting into bed. i mean, full and ,. its not that i know what i want from this piece, but i know i want SOMETHING. and this feeling that all of this means something. that life means something - to have this feeling again. is wonderful. but there is another side to it too helena. that i am alone. and , its like, does it still exist , really, when there is no one to talk about it with?
do you know the story in zen: if a tree falls in the forest, and no one hears it, does it make a sound? i think in zen it is meant as irony. the monks are not stupid, of COURSE it makes a sound. that no one sees or hears me as i sing, and dance here, away from everyone. and go to bed feeling the beauty the urgency - the pain of life, to feel it with such power and poetry. i open my windows wide for the cold wind. i let it blow on my naked body until i begin to shake.
that i still do these stupid things - do you see what i mean? am i trapped in youth? in my mind i mean. did i forget to grow up? like HER. (i still think of her). i dream these nights of a young woman, who lets me kiss her mouth and wants me as much i do her. last night she had orange hair. the night before, she was small and was leaning against a fence. i touched her cheek. i think she was crying.
im remembering eva, the soprano in bonn, who wanted to get me to join landmark- a kind of a yuppie cult for executive types or something. and i told her i was intrigued, because somehow i know that this is what it is about, jumping over your shadow and becoming a full human being. achieving in the real world. getting what you need. and i let let her tell me all these things, lapsing as they do, into a kind of code-speak and i did not tell her, that i was secretly MILES away from ever doing it. why not? haa ha ha. save all my problems? look at me with my burning heart. my pain and passion, alone in this windy night. you see, dont you. this burning, this believing, in, in a movement. a work of art. this hanging on to my youth, well, this IS me. without it, sure, i may be able to have a relationship, maybe even be a useful member of society. but i would be long dead when that day arrives. woosh! hahaha.
this pain, this desperate desire to have a pair of eyes to look into now. to share a glass of wine with, with whom to open my heart and feel the great feelings of life .. and BE SO ALIVE AGAIN , or not. be what, like frey? see? pain? this kind or that. you tell me. whos lucky. whos free.