What do I want? Funny, people keep asking me this question <em>exactly</em> when I do not know the answer. Makes me think perhaps that I just don't really know. I mean, I think I know. I know I want happiness, love, fun, satisfaction, pride, peace... I just want what makes me and the people around me happy.
So that never really answers the question to most peoples satisfaction. "No, what do you want to do <em>right now</em>?" Shit, now I'm back in a corner. "What <em>DO</em> I want to do right now? Right now I'd like to no have to answer that question." And that never works either. Fair enough, but I'd like to point out that is a perfectly valid answer.
So it has to be somewhere between the two extremes. I want comfort, but I do realize that life has its unpleasantness and compromises. So here is my answer. Anything more specific than this will have to be answered on a case by case business.
I want a breadth of experience. I want the freedom of fear which keeps me from the full breadth of experience I want. Now, I still don't want to bungee jump. It is not out of fear but the whole thing seems very, very unpleasant. Maybe I was never bit by the adrenaline bug, I prefer other ways of getting my rush.
Point not being, but trying to be, is that the experiences I want (and I assume most people as well) is based on the amount and severity of mistakes I'm willing to make in my life. The amount of mistakes you make is directly proportional to the amount of experience you desire. Therefore, what I want to DO depends on the cost/benefit analysis of experience vs. mistakes (fear). Most mistakes are, hopefully, mistakes to live by, learn from, move past. As long as I stay out of drug running and politics, I'm perfectly capable of making mistakes and living with them. Otherwise you only remember your mistakes and the good times are neglected and forgotten.
So, vaguely, that is what I want and how I intend to get it. Happiness through living and learning and teaching. Seems rather healthy, doesn't it?
But that isn't good enough either. It offers no real direction, I'm still in the greyness of cause and effect. So what I want is clarity, then wisdom. But you can't get those without experience. Have I latched on to the Catch-22 of being? If I had the experiences that would allow me to see through my fears and face the challenges and experiences ahead of me, would I even need those challenges and experiences?
Shit, what do I want?
Fine, there is no one answer. Today, tomorrow, yesterday, it changes. Constantly. I wish it didn't, but it doesn't seem to be something that should be controlled. Basically, if it doesn't lead to what I said earlier, about experiences, freedom from fear and happiness for me and those around me, it isn't something I truly want, but something that is perhaps a vehicle or obsticle to my eventual desires.
As you can see, its a very difficult question to answer for someone like me.
So that never really answers the question to most peoples satisfaction. "No, what do you want to do <em>right now</em>?" Shit, now I'm back in a corner. "What <em>DO</em> I want to do right now? Right now I'd like to no have to answer that question." And that never works either. Fair enough, but I'd like to point out that is a perfectly valid answer.
So it has to be somewhere between the two extremes. I want comfort, but I do realize that life has its unpleasantness and compromises. So here is my answer. Anything more specific than this will have to be answered on a case by case business.
I want a breadth of experience. I want the freedom of fear which keeps me from the full breadth of experience I want. Now, I still don't want to bungee jump. It is not out of fear but the whole thing seems very, very unpleasant. Maybe I was never bit by the adrenaline bug, I prefer other ways of getting my rush.
Point not being, but trying to be, is that the experiences I want (and I assume most people as well) is based on the amount and severity of mistakes I'm willing to make in my life. The amount of mistakes you make is directly proportional to the amount of experience you desire. Therefore, what I want to DO depends on the cost/benefit analysis of experience vs. mistakes (fear). Most mistakes are, hopefully, mistakes to live by, learn from, move past. As long as I stay out of drug running and politics, I'm perfectly capable of making mistakes and living with them. Otherwise you only remember your mistakes and the good times are neglected and forgotten.
So, vaguely, that is what I want and how I intend to get it. Happiness through living and learning and teaching. Seems rather healthy, doesn't it?
But that isn't good enough either. It offers no real direction, I'm still in the greyness of cause and effect. So what I want is clarity, then wisdom. But you can't get those without experience. Have I latched on to the Catch-22 of being? If I had the experiences that would allow me to see through my fears and face the challenges and experiences ahead of me, would I even need those challenges and experiences?
Shit, what do I want?
Fine, there is no one answer. Today, tomorrow, yesterday, it changes. Constantly. I wish it didn't, but it doesn't seem to be something that should be controlled. Basically, if it doesn't lead to what I said earlier, about experiences, freedom from fear and happiness for me and those around me, it isn't something I truly want, but something that is perhaps a vehicle or obsticle to my eventual desires.
As you can see, its a very difficult question to answer for someone like me.