Okay... so I figured that eventually I was going to have to post a first journal entry.... But what the hell should it be?
I've decided to post an actual Journal Entry from a few months ago... I was in a bad place, and needed to let it all hang out. Though, I did so in an almost "anonymous" fashion... mostly to save the feelings of those involved.
So here it is... it's entitled "Honesty"
* * *
You know, I've prided myself in being honest with people. What kind of friend, girlfriend, mother, daughter, husband, brother, etc... would you be if you couldn't be honest with those you care about? Granted, sometimes honesty sucks. It can hurt. It's a tricky thing if taken the wrong way; you automatically and unintentionally become the bad guy.
You can say it as delicately as you possibly can and still have it blow up in your face. You're honest to someone you care about because you know that honesty is a hell of a lot less cruel than not telling them the truth.
Honesty is like ripping off a band aid. You know it'll hurt for a short while, but then you realize that if left covered the wound wouldn't heal as quickly; that the air actually has healing qualities of it's own.
So when you tell somebody something that you know will hurt them, you dread it. You don't want to do it. You contemplate not saying anything; just ignore it and hopefully it'll go away or you can change how you feel so you don't have to hurt them. But then you stop and ask yourself: "Is this something I should keep from them? Will it hurt them more if I don't say anything?"
For instance, say a friend of yours realizes that he or she wants to be more than friends. You care for them so you almost go for it. Suddenly you realize, "Wait! Am I doing this because I care? Or am I doing this because I truely feel this way?" You realize that you are doing this because you care, not because you fully return those feelings. But how do you tell them? Do you not tell them and hopefully, eventually return those same feelings? Or are you honest?
So you choose honesty, hoping that they will care enough about you to at least try to understand your feelings. So you tell them as delicately as possible, hoping maybe that it will at least bring them a small amount of comfort, knowing that you care enough not to want to hurt them any more than you already have to. But how will they react? No doubt they'll be upset. But will they become angry or bitter? Or will they, with reluctance, thank you for your honesty?
You hope for the latter, but are given the former. What now? How do you try and save a friendship when you aren't even sure you can anymore? You still care for this person, that has not changed. So now you feel GUILTY. Why?! You get a little angry. You were just trying to save them the hurt of finding out that they'd been lied to; that you didn't feel the same way. What about me? Do they realize that this is hard for me too? You remember someone saying that 'your first responsibility is to yourself; to stay true to yourself'. So why should you feel guilty for being honest? Because you care, that's why... and that is what frustrates you the most.
How can something that is supposed to help, actually hurt you? Because that's how life goes. You can't control the people around you, even those you care about; you can't control how they'll act. You just have to simply hope that they remember that you care. So you just have to have patience. Maybe they'll come around. So you have to give themtime. Until then you feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
I pride myself in being honest, but sometimes, for the sake of those I care about, I wish I weren't so damn honest.
~Jess
P.S. - I'm not sure if this made much sense. Sometimes it's best to just get everything out through a stream of consciousness.
I've decided to post an actual Journal Entry from a few months ago... I was in a bad place, and needed to let it all hang out. Though, I did so in an almost "anonymous" fashion... mostly to save the feelings of those involved.
So here it is... it's entitled "Honesty"
* * *
You know, I've prided myself in being honest with people. What kind of friend, girlfriend, mother, daughter, husband, brother, etc... would you be if you couldn't be honest with those you care about? Granted, sometimes honesty sucks. It can hurt. It's a tricky thing if taken the wrong way; you automatically and unintentionally become the bad guy.
You can say it as delicately as you possibly can and still have it blow up in your face. You're honest to someone you care about because you know that honesty is a hell of a lot less cruel than not telling them the truth.
Honesty is like ripping off a band aid. You know it'll hurt for a short while, but then you realize that if left covered the wound wouldn't heal as quickly; that the air actually has healing qualities of it's own.
So when you tell somebody something that you know will hurt them, you dread it. You don't want to do it. You contemplate not saying anything; just ignore it and hopefully it'll go away or you can change how you feel so you don't have to hurt them. But then you stop and ask yourself: "Is this something I should keep from them? Will it hurt them more if I don't say anything?"
For instance, say a friend of yours realizes that he or she wants to be more than friends. You care for them so you almost go for it. Suddenly you realize, "Wait! Am I doing this because I care? Or am I doing this because I truely feel this way?" You realize that you are doing this because you care, not because you fully return those feelings. But how do you tell them? Do you not tell them and hopefully, eventually return those same feelings? Or are you honest?
So you choose honesty, hoping that they will care enough about you to at least try to understand your feelings. So you tell them as delicately as possible, hoping maybe that it will at least bring them a small amount of comfort, knowing that you care enough not to want to hurt them any more than you already have to. But how will they react? No doubt they'll be upset. But will they become angry or bitter? Or will they, with reluctance, thank you for your honesty?
You hope for the latter, but are given the former. What now? How do you try and save a friendship when you aren't even sure you can anymore? You still care for this person, that has not changed. So now you feel GUILTY. Why?! You get a little angry. You were just trying to save them the hurt of finding out that they'd been lied to; that you didn't feel the same way. What about me? Do they realize that this is hard for me too? You remember someone saying that 'your first responsibility is to yourself; to stay true to yourself'. So why should you feel guilty for being honest? Because you care, that's why... and that is what frustrates you the most.
How can something that is supposed to help, actually hurt you? Because that's how life goes. You can't control the people around you, even those you care about; you can't control how they'll act. You just have to simply hope that they remember that you care. So you just have to have patience. Maybe they'll come around. So you have to give themtime. Until then you feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
I pride myself in being honest, but sometimes, for the sake of those I care about, I wish I weren't so damn honest.
~Jess
P.S. - I'm not sure if this made much sense. Sometimes it's best to just get everything out through a stream of consciousness.
I completely understand. Rarely do people take responsibility for themselves or actions. People like to play the blame game.
Life is more reaction than action. As I was telling someone the other day, one can not go looking towards someone for happiness, just to be happy with them. How we feel is our own responsibility, not others.
This is not to say we can not keep other individual's best interests at heart.
It reminds me of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness (if you haven't already read it). The narrator (I think it was Marlow, it has been awhile) returns from the Congo and must relay his tale to, if I remember his name correctly, Kurtz's wife. She asks him of her husband, who has gone mad and committed unspeakable horrors. Marlow could tell her the truth, devastating her more, or feed her a lie, in order to easy her worry.
It's all perspective, my sweet Lanore.
[Edited on Dec 05, 2005 11:34PM]