Day six.
The double shift was exhausting. I left my morning job as quickly as I could and raced home to get as much sleep as possible before my dinner shift, but it barely helped. It was a good thing that I was first on - that gives me the option to be the first out as soon as they start cutting servers, and I took it. Even though I felt focused and on my game, I still found myself almost making really simple mistakes that would have cost me dearly in the kitchen's & management's eyes. The restaurant is new and already highly acclaimed, but the GM is twitchy and lacks experience, the head chef's already too big for his britches, and the owners either don't see or don't know how to rein either of them in. The ice is always thinnest on nights when they're both there, as they were tonight. It's not like me to opt out - I registered their surprise when I said I'd rather leave than stay - but it was the best option for me and I'm glad I took it.
Even still, I ended up going out afterwards. Not like me at all, really, which is partly why I chose to do it. I don't go out at night very often and I hadn't gone out at all since the breakup, so I decided that I ought to give it a try and see what happened. I went home first. Washed up and changed. I drove into Oakland, on past Chinatown, and met them at a club that was hosting "Ships in the Night" - a queer dance party. The music was awful, but I knew it would be and it didn't bother me.
Got hit on by a friend of Shayna's. Why is it that young gay men are so incredibly, tactlessly forward? I'm rarely attracted to men, though it's happened before and I remain open to the possibility of it happening again, but Jeezy Creezy - slipping your hand up past my belt to stroke my skin and then sliding it down to cup my ass while leaning in, stinking of drink, and slurring, "I think you're really hot I want to fuck you so bad right now" - does that ever work on anyone? Maybe I am just completely straight and fooling myself thinking anything otherwise. In any case it wasn't welcome and it didn't work, and I didn't have any problems telling him so. He slurred an apology and we smiled and hugged and he went back off the dance floor. I was glad for the interaction. It left me thinking about how, maybe a year ago, that sort of interaction might have flattered me and bolstered my self-esteem, and it felt good standing there knowing that I really didn't care one way or the other what anyone thought of me. Another sign that I'm on the right path.
Not that I don't want sex - lord, no. It's been ages. Longer than I care to think about. Longer than I've ever gone without before. Thing is, none of the ways I used to go about getting it are interesting to me at all anymore.
**********
Day seven.
First morning off since last Tuesday. Slept 'till 2. It felt great, though I knew I'd feel some regret once the sun went down around 5. I'll be honest - I'm writing this on Monday night and I can't remember doing anything worthwhile yesterday. I shaved and showered and groomed myself. I made lunch and I made dinner, and I felt numb and fought off sadness most of the day. Laying in bed last night, I thought about how I've fallen out of practice with my meditation, and how good it will be to start that again.
**********
Day eight.
Today was a frustrating waste. Everything I set out to do was thwarted by complications, and I didn't accomplish anything. I spent nearly four hours in the Volvo and my back is killing me now. I've got to either repair that driver's seat or swap it with the passenger seat, and I've got to do it soon. It's gonna take a good massage and some yoga to stop this aching.
Fuck all of this noise. I'm writing a song tomorrow.
***
I missed you a lot today. Maybe my guard was down, or maybe it was the crappy, frustrating day I had, but on my way home tonight I felt so sad knowing that I wouldn't see your face when I got here. I started to wonder about what factors distinguish love from co-dependency, but I started feeling worse and I had to wipe to all from my mind. I really hope you're doing well.
Goodnight.
The double shift was exhausting. I left my morning job as quickly as I could and raced home to get as much sleep as possible before my dinner shift, but it barely helped. It was a good thing that I was first on - that gives me the option to be the first out as soon as they start cutting servers, and I took it. Even though I felt focused and on my game, I still found myself almost making really simple mistakes that would have cost me dearly in the kitchen's & management's eyes. The restaurant is new and already highly acclaimed, but the GM is twitchy and lacks experience, the head chef's already too big for his britches, and the owners either don't see or don't know how to rein either of them in. The ice is always thinnest on nights when they're both there, as they were tonight. It's not like me to opt out - I registered their surprise when I said I'd rather leave than stay - but it was the best option for me and I'm glad I took it.
Even still, I ended up going out afterwards. Not like me at all, really, which is partly why I chose to do it. I don't go out at night very often and I hadn't gone out at all since the breakup, so I decided that I ought to give it a try and see what happened. I went home first. Washed up and changed. I drove into Oakland, on past Chinatown, and met them at a club that was hosting "Ships in the Night" - a queer dance party. The music was awful, but I knew it would be and it didn't bother me.
Got hit on by a friend of Shayna's. Why is it that young gay men are so incredibly, tactlessly forward? I'm rarely attracted to men, though it's happened before and I remain open to the possibility of it happening again, but Jeezy Creezy - slipping your hand up past my belt to stroke my skin and then sliding it down to cup my ass while leaning in, stinking of drink, and slurring, "I think you're really hot I want to fuck you so bad right now" - does that ever work on anyone? Maybe I am just completely straight and fooling myself thinking anything otherwise. In any case it wasn't welcome and it didn't work, and I didn't have any problems telling him so. He slurred an apology and we smiled and hugged and he went back off the dance floor. I was glad for the interaction. It left me thinking about how, maybe a year ago, that sort of interaction might have flattered me and bolstered my self-esteem, and it felt good standing there knowing that I really didn't care one way or the other what anyone thought of me. Another sign that I'm on the right path.
Not that I don't want sex - lord, no. It's been ages. Longer than I care to think about. Longer than I've ever gone without before. Thing is, none of the ways I used to go about getting it are interesting to me at all anymore.
**********
Day seven.
First morning off since last Tuesday. Slept 'till 2. It felt great, though I knew I'd feel some regret once the sun went down around 5. I'll be honest - I'm writing this on Monday night and I can't remember doing anything worthwhile yesterday. I shaved and showered and groomed myself. I made lunch and I made dinner, and I felt numb and fought off sadness most of the day. Laying in bed last night, I thought about how I've fallen out of practice with my meditation, and how good it will be to start that again.
**********
Day eight.
Today was a frustrating waste. Everything I set out to do was thwarted by complications, and I didn't accomplish anything. I spent nearly four hours in the Volvo and my back is killing me now. I've got to either repair that driver's seat or swap it with the passenger seat, and I've got to do it soon. It's gonna take a good massage and some yoga to stop this aching.
Fuck all of this noise. I'm writing a song tomorrow.
***
I missed you a lot today. Maybe my guard was down, or maybe it was the crappy, frustrating day I had, but on my way home tonight I felt so sad knowing that I wouldn't see your face when I got here. I started to wonder about what factors distinguish love from co-dependency, but I started feeling worse and I had to wipe to all from my mind. I really hope you're doing well.
Goodnight.