Tessa broke up with me. I did see that coming. it's funny how peaches and cream and fluffy pillows become a chasm of regret and hate. I'm perfectly fine. I guess I failed to be there for her. just like jessica, only 100 times worse and it didn't take 2.5 years and I'm not nearly attached to her as I am attached to Jessica. I decided to donate plasma, and it was a real joy to eat something other than ramen noodles. I won't have money to pay rent this month and I'm really ashamed. I don't know what my landlord is going to say to me. hopefully the church will help me. mcdonald's just sends me home saying that business is too slow to add one more person. i've been there for a week and i don't have my uniforms or worked in 4 days. I hope this jiffy lube thing takes off. february is over and i'm still crawling financially. should i really have hope for anything? I started writing chronicles of my life trying to be like chuck klosterman but traveling memory lane for me has a lot of front facing thorns and going through those again can be painful. i have not written much but i have some good stuff there. i still have some nervousness and anxiety in my heart, if it wasn't for my inability to keep my mouth shut and unwillingness to count the positive; even if i submerge in my mother's previous relationship pattern, i just have afeeling i will go far, i will be happie, and if it's taking so long for me to be the way god wants me to be, he shoud just kill me.
II
It's all worthless
Current mood: melancholy
i feel it's all a game. what good does it do to a person that is not involved on a great long lasting relationship? i may not be obsessed with marriage anymore but I hate having to deal with a bruised broken heart long after the relationship ended, and to think that in the end it was not worth it. the good times, the little things done in order to build a foundation to it was destroyed by brevity. was it really only my side that was corrupt? or was the unwillingness and selfishness from the other side as well? i've grown to be so disappointed i really wish my heart would just sink and i could be hopeless toward a fulfilling relationship forever. there's this stupid part that still tries to worry about possibilities, and i feel i'm the only one that is wasting time about things i'm sure will not happen. how i wish it was all different. how i wish a new start could commence... to be rescued from this existencial funk, from this vat of emotional grease and be clean, fresh, immersed in a old love. i think the only hard way to forget is to move away and be alone, and let time do the rest. with a little mercy, friday night will repeat itself forever.
II
It's all worthless
Current mood: melancholy
i feel it's all a game. what good does it do to a person that is not involved on a great long lasting relationship? i may not be obsessed with marriage anymore but I hate having to deal with a bruised broken heart long after the relationship ended, and to think that in the end it was not worth it. the good times, the little things done in order to build a foundation to it was destroyed by brevity. was it really only my side that was corrupt? or was the unwillingness and selfishness from the other side as well? i've grown to be so disappointed i really wish my heart would just sink and i could be hopeless toward a fulfilling relationship forever. there's this stupid part that still tries to worry about possibilities, and i feel i'm the only one that is wasting time about things i'm sure will not happen. how i wish it was all different. how i wish a new start could commence... to be rescued from this existencial funk, from this vat of emotional grease and be clean, fresh, immersed in a old love. i think the only hard way to forget is to move away and be alone, and let time do the rest. with a little mercy, friday night will repeat itself forever.
vestril:
I'm sorry to hear it chum; I guess we're in similar straits as far as love is concerned. If it makes you feel any better, I was hard hearted and distant from people for a fairly long period of time, and during that time I was the one hurting people and not getting attatched or hurt, and it sucked. I didn't think much about it at the time, because I was essentially cut off from my own emotions, but it's one of the loneliest and most pathetic time periods of my life, and I am well shut of it. I think that it is much better to keep trying to love and failing than it is to not try at all, and I say that feeling heartbroken and alone.