Never before have I felt afraid to check my usual news outlets.
Without a doubt, the whole thing is fucking tragic. It's really terrible.
I imagine being back in college and my friends - its way too much.
Still, I'm waiting with baited breath to see how the media will peg this fellow korean-american.
I'm sure most people will do a double take, because you rarely hear about asians losing it like this... at least in the news. But beyond that, I'm worried about impending racism.
There isn't much effort put into the mental health of kids.
As long as you get good grades, get into a good school, land a well paying job, we'll be happy and proud.
I've known many koreans that were in gangs that steal, beat, kill, but bring home straight As and perfect SAT scores.
When you're at home, you speak when you're fucking spoken to. When you don't, you're punished.
When you're at school or work, you're supposed to speak your mind. When you don't, you're labeled strange, meek and inferior.
And escaping home is a lot harder than one might think.
Koreans have a notoriously nonexistent support system for suicide, spousal abuse, or any other kind of abuse. It's all swept under the rug.
There was a father that took his daughters and wife into his car and killed them all before taking his own life. Clearly he was a troubled man.
My good friend was working on making a documentary about it, and he was shocked at the amount of resistance he encountered. The main community outreach we have is the church, and they would not go on record for anything, sponsor him, and in general, wanted him to shut up.
It's a honor/shame society. That incident brought shame and no one wanted any part in it.
Unless you've really studied it, or lived it, it's something you can't really understand.
Shame is a big deal to the nations that ascribe to it (the middle east, most of asia).
Which is the same reason why you can put an exorbitant bounty on the head of osama bin laden, but i'll be damned if any of his followers betray him.
"Shame" isn't just you. Its your family, your extended family, and your friends.
I'm telling you, second generation immigrants living in the states have it hard.
My parents and their parents came from a very oppressed, "confusianistic" society.
It's hard adjusting. Los Angeles is easier than most parts of America.
My heart truly goes out to the familes and friends of those lost.
End of rant.
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See, the unsettling thing for me is how much dude reminded me of a past lover of mine, albeit ramped up to the nth degree ... more people like him exist in all our daily lives, even if they're just in our peripheral.
His parents must be going through some hell. I hadn't heard before that they attempted suicide, but it doesn't surprise me in the least. Looking at how Korea itself is taking so many steps to express their shame and their deepest regret ... it twists my guts in a knot. Makes me want to hug everyone until they feel better. I know it's stupid, but that's how I work.
I know you were saying you felt some separation from your Korean heritage, but still you have that recognition when you see his pictures, like you could have gone to school with him as well.
Fuck, maybe I'm heartless otherwise, but I'll admit that when I had initially heard of the shootings, I felt badly for the victims' families. But when I got word that he was Korean, I read everything I could, and I mourned.
Is that what one might call self-serving? I feel guilty for it.
Hope you're doing a little better than you sound. Myself, I think I'm not sure how I'm handling it; I'm mostly stuck in a work hole day in and day out, with little time to think of anything else but gutters and kerning ... but when I do pause to send my thoughts that way, it just paralyzes me. Like my idea of what catatonia might be like ... Mind going so many places at once and so quickly that movement negates itself and appears frozen.
Like Macs and the spinning beach ball of death. Right before your applications shut down.
... I don't know where else I'm going with this. In conclusion, I'd like to say I work too much.