Hey guys it's been a while since I wrote a blog post like this, I don't know whether to apologise or not... 🤔😂
In all honesty I've been wanting to write about this for a while but I've been holding back, I guess some of the things I say on here can make me feel quite vulnerable but fuck it, I'm not going to stop being me because of other people. This blog post might come across as a bit offensive and make me seem a bit up myself at times and I'm not sorry to be honest. I'm only sorry if I've misunderstood something which has led me to feel how I do about people. In that case, I'm very open minded so please just tell me straight if I'm being a dick.
I just want people to be real with me, I feel like they never are anymore. I understand I'm not a perfect person, in fact I'm very flawed and always happy to admit that. I do attract other 'unhealed' people so I understand that will have alot to do with it too. I'm one of those people that wants to heal but also will do a U turn at any given moment because I don't want to lose myself and everything I am familiar with, I can come across as distant because I push people away when they disappoint me as I fear rejection because of the strong negative feelings that come with it. I don't want to stay where I don't feel safe.
Let's get to the point, I'm writing this blog post because I want to ask if anyone relates to me and how I feel about people.
I've always struggled with friendship, probably more now than ever though. I guess I'm in a relationship and I'm now a mother and yeah, I honestly feel like no one gives a shit anymore. I haven't been single for close to a decade now, and I admit I would be more fun for most people if I was single, honestly? It's led me to want to be single at times because I'm just so sick of the lonely feeling of not being acknowledged. I know it wouldn't be the answer to all my problems though, it would only bring up alot more. Admittedly, for years and years I couldn't have cared less about friendship. I had all I needed, so I do question why now? It feels a bit unsettling sometimes. I'm a very loyal person, I've stayed with people regardless of how toxic things have gotten in the past and waited it out till they left me. I am in a healthy relationship now and that's how it's lasted so long. I love feeling understood in a world that never once understood me, my own family don't understand me. Of course, it's normal to not want to lose that so I want it to work. I feel safe here.
So what does this have to do with friendship? Well... I just feel like we don't have that many genuine 'deep' people around to talk to. Maybe there are and it's just me struggling to find them? I just feel like the world lacks passion now. I find people so uninteresting and some down right boring (this is what I meant by offensive). I find myself ignoring people because I can't cope with how boring or disappointing it is to try and make conversation to get barely anything back. I can't let people in at all if they don't give me a reason. Online I've noticed it's full of people saying they love deep meaningful conversations but I feel like they are full of shit, they don't even know how to hold a conversation let alone say anything meaningful. We're living in a world where people just give up on you as soon as you don't give them what they want and I don't want to be one of those people. I do genuinely care about some of the people that managed to get to know me. I'm just fed up of feeling like they don't care about me. I admit I can be negative sometimes but what they don't realise is I'm only defending myself because they don't make me feel safe, basically I feel like they are going to just disappoint me anyway. I guess it's too much effort to initiate a conversation or actually keep it going?! It puts me off wanting to try.
I really feel like I lack a true friendship. I am in a relationship but that doesn't mean he always wants to do the things I want to do and I think that's the thing. I really wanted a best friend type friendship where I felt I could do anything with them without it having to go anywhere. That is just so much harder as an adult though. I've tried talking to girls I can see I'd relate to and they barely respond or they do and then the conversation just stops for no reason and I don't know how to keep it going. The other thing about being in a relationship is obviously I'm going to be more restricted, I feel like there would be trust issues to some extent if I was really close to someone else and spending alot of time with them. Especially when I haven't really had a friendship like that for years.
Another thing is, if you have ever gotten close enough to me you'll know I can be a bit of a flirt. I have learned that to keep people's attention I have to do that sometimes. When I stop? They lose interest. I'm not saying I'm trying to lead people on, it is just the way I like to joke and I think people take it the wrong way. I'm not someone who will instantly stop talking to someone because they talked to me sexually so I guess maybe I'm a bit toxic in that way? At the same time I made this account on SG when I was 20. So I was used to people talking to me sexually? I am not easily offended, maybe I weirdly take it as a compliment and enjoy the attention? Would I have made this account otherwise? I understand alot of people are simply lonely and I'm not ever trying to take advantage of people but for all I know maybe that's what they think? I honestly don't know. I get the impression people like that are always saying the same things to multiple women anyway so I don't take it personally. I'd feel alot more awkward if they weren't considering it obviously can't go anywhere. I just like to be open with people and joke around. I find it easier to talk to guys (mostly single guys) because obviously they are the ones more likely to enjoy those types of conversations. I can see how that would look bad but in a world where people are busy with their lives, no one else seems to have time to talk to new people. Although I do wish more people would have beyond surface level conversations. I like to talk to people because they said something different and it got my interest, or I find them funny. It's not because I like them in any other way other than friendship but I do end up caring about them as a friend and then I'm left feeling like shit because they seem to 'give up' on the good conversations and they become boring to me. I guess it's possible they are protecting themselves in a way or maybe they just don't give a shit? Found someone better to talk to? It just seems easier to not bother than actually try and maintain friendships which really irritates me. I often wonder if people even consider me, or care at all? I find myself embarrassed to even think about them despite me feeling like they are my friends because I don't want it to be one sided. I don't tell people alot of what is on my mind for this reason. I don't know how to carry on having genuine conversations with people like this because they seem so shut off? Although sometimes I think I come across that way too. It would be interesting to know what people actually think of me beyond what they tell me. I don't feel like a very likable person but at the same time I think I am, I just can't ever be myself because there's no 'opportunity' to be when people aren't themselves with me. I wonder if I'm coming across badly to them and I don't realise? I wish people would just be honest with me. I know I'm not for everyone. 😂
I think people who I have opened up to think I tell them everything, I don't. There is so much I don't say. Alot of what I say is about things that happened years and years ago. Sometimes I'll talk about recent things but just know if I have then you are one of a select few. I've most likely told you things my own family don't know, I am not an open book and I am very closed off. If I have told you something that happened to me recently it's because I needed to get it out and wouldn't have told many others. So don't mistake me as someone that is open just because I told you, you couldn't be more wrong about me. If I'm honest, I probably care about you more than you realised because otherwise I wouldn't have given you the time of day, let alone told you about my problems. I have alot of love to give despite how I come across... If you take advantage of that then my trust issues will only get worse and that says alot about you, not me. Admittedly I probably trust the 'wrong' people, but it's because I see something in those people that others don't. I am not someone who is as stupid as people seem to think. I know the difference between a good and bad person, if I don't think you're bad when others think differently or have tried to make me think differently then it's because you're not bad enough, maybe I relate to you and understand you on a level they don't. 🫣 If I have any genuine real friendship then those people would know I'm not an angel. If you think otherwise you don't know me at all. Don't assume I'm good all the time just because I cared.
I feel like I'm going to be so judged for this post but I've always posted what goes on in my head on here in the past and if someone relates to me or can explain things to me better because I was honest then that's a good enough reason to post it.
Also... if there is any chance anyone wants to have a deep meaningful conversation/can say something that gets my interest or you are really funny and can maintain a conversation and will actually be my friend then get in my inbox, I don't judge. I'm weird as fuck and the weirder the better. I get bored easily. I need a bit of excitmentment/entertainment or something to get me thinking. Not much is going to scare me, if anything I'm just going to laugh at you. I don't think anyone is up for a challenge though. 😏
If anyone I've talked about in this post reads this then, I'm not sorry 🤣❤️ talk more?
