dexy

it's very obvious to me lately that i am quite unhappy with my life... the replacements song "unsatisfied" is something i listen to a lot. i can't put my finger on what is off about me and why i am so unhappy, but i am. it's both silly and hard to admit. there is nothing horrible about my life or bad happening, it's just not as easy to be happy about. it's frustrating, cos at times i can't even count all the good things.

but i feel a bit faded...


there are loads of good things and stuff, i have a job i love, i live in a great city, have amazing friends, a family that loves me and life isn't a struggle.

but for some reason, i frequently wake up in the morning feeling like something is missing... i have gone thru a lot of changes in the passed few months and enough emotion for a year or so, but there is one thing that remains... my heart is somewhere else.

i can't figure out how to get it back.

last night, i drunkenly sent a text to him that said "i miss you." i can't decide if i am mad at myself for that or not. it is the truth tho and for some reason i think he is what i wake up missing. i hate the fact that i let myself fall in love with someone, i never liked attachments before hand, but this boy.. well, he changed everything. we both admit that our worlds are completely upside down from each other... two people sitting at a bus stop at 5 am crying cos neither of them know what to do about the other...

that is both beautiful and scary...

i go back and forth between being angry for caring and making an effort to keep him in my life to being proud that for once i am not actually trying to push someone away or keep them at a distance. we are both unhappy people right now and maybe one day things'll sort out. it's very difficult for me to cut someone out of my life, especially someone that means so much and has been in many ways a positive influence, great friend, amazing person and quite possibly the love of my life.

i try to take it as it comes, but i am not patient and i am at a loss of how to sort it out cos i have never felt this way. i was once engaged to be married, but that was totally different compared to this.

i am babbling..

i just got home from work.. i am doing ten nights in a row and tonight was a bit of a nightmare. some tech troubles and just silly things that make the job a bit frustrating. but i made it thru and i am happy it's over. so far the strangest and coolest thing to happen was getting recognised by a random stranger in a pub. he came up to me and shook my hand, saying i entertained him every night on tv. pretty cool for a girl that auditioned as a joke.

i have a dreadful cough... partial to my misery guts chain smoking tendencies... but i turn 30 in a little over a month and i made myself swear to quit smoking for good. and i am looking forward to it. until then i will have a bit of fun with benylin and scotch. hee hee. i am so excited tho, cos i get to see Lucero on my birthday. i really love that band. music in general is kinda like oxygen for me. i got an ipod a few weeks ago and i am thinking of marrying it. i am constantly lost in the sounds of banjos now from bluegrass compilations. (if you were a girl that grew up in redneck town and saw the boy you loved playing banjo, you'd understand)

my arm is healing very nicely... i cannot wait to finish my left sleeve. i really love my tattooist and the work he does for me. those 8 hour sittings aren;t even painful cos we spend most of the time talking and singing and laughing at me falling asleep. i have decided for now that we have a monogamous tattoo relationship, i only wanna work with him. i think he may even fix my right sleeve as well.

i am going back and forth between leaving SG and maybe doing another set... but like the rest of my life, i feel a bit uninspired. it's a funny kind of feeling from someone that always plotted, scribbled and had ideas flying out of her head for everything.. from outfits to paintings to photos to just great schemes and fun times.

to risk sounding 17 and angsty, i feel a bit dead inside.



xxx

UNsatisfied : The Replacements
Look me in the eye
Then, tell me that I'm satisfied
Was you satisfied?
Look me in the eye
Then, tell me that I'm satisfied
Hey, are you satisfied?

And it goes so slowly on
Everything I've ever wanted
Tell me what's wrong

Look me in the eye
And tell me that I'm satisfied
Were you satisfied?
Look me in the eye
Then, tell me I'm satisfied
And now are you satisfied?

Everything goes
Well, anything goes all of the time
Everything you dream of
Is right in front of you
And everything is a lie (or) And liberty is a lie

Look me in the eye
And tell me that I'm satisfed
Look me in the eye
Unsatisfied
I'm so, I'm so unsatisfied
I'm so dissatisfied
I'm so, I'm so unsatisfied
I'm so unsatisfied
Well, I'm-a
I'm so, I'm so unsatisfied
I'm so dissatis,dissattis...
I'm so....