deuteranopia

Panties Drop After Promposal

Celebrated actress - and everyone's down-to-earth nerd-crush - Emma Stone has threatened her producer with suicide if she isn't given leave from her current filming commitments to attend prom with a 17 year old boy in Arizona. The 28 year old red-haired comedic heartbreaker, who hails from Scottsdale, AZ, herself is one of many celebrities in recent years to receive "promposals" from privileged, under-aged high school boys starved for attention.

Stone, whose proposal came via YouTube, reportedly dropped her panties the instant she caught wind of the video.

"It was the single sexiest thing a man has ever done for me. It was all I could do to stop from furiously masturbating right there on the spot," reporters heard her say.

The video, which went viral despite its incredible lack of both depth and production value, shows an entitled Jacob Staudenmaier dancing and singing with his two closest asshat friends in a terrible rendition of Emma's award winning La La Land.

"Please don't let me down," whimpers Staudenmaier, whose frail looking body clearly belies the size of his obviously immense penis, at the end of the video.

Said fellow YouTuber i_AM_the_senate in the top comment, "Fuck dude, save some pussy for the rest of us," which is a testament to the seductive power of the viral video, wherein Jacob exclaims he will take Emma to Olive Garden for dinner before the magical night. I don't know about you, readers, but I just jizzed in my pants.

The idea of the celebrity promposal is a relatively new and unsettling trend, but Staudenmaier is hardly the first to use such a gauche approach to finding a date for the famously alcohol-infused high school event.

Three years earlier, another student from Jacob's school, Matt Peterson, used a YouTube video to ask songstress Miley Cyrus to his high school prom. The pop singer, whose fallopian tubes instantaneously filled with fertile eggs when she saw the video, was upset to report that she couldn't make the prom due to an emergency concert tour. She did, however, invite the saddened hairless teen to see her in concert.

In 2013, Los Angeles teen Jake Davidson, once again using YouTube, asked model Kate Upton to his prom. Upton, who claimed she was immediately and savagely drawn to the pimply faced Davidson, regrettably was scheduled for a high colonic and emergency pap smear on prom night. Famous entertainment news site Inside Edition felt for the skinny, underdeveloped Casanova, and offered Danish-born model Nina Agdal to the friendless virgin.

Then 21 year old Agdal felt completely seduced by Davidson, despite not being the object of his YouTube affections. Davidson, who came in his pants at least six times before exiting the limo, exclaimed that Agdal was a solid "15 out of 10," and that it was "the best night ever."

There's no word on whether Emma will be able to make Staudenmaier's prom, but we can guess the Jacob's animal magnetism will soon take Stone over, and that she's already planning their wedding and naming their children.

"The only thing that might keep me from going is my producer not letting me leave set," Stone told reporters. "Otherwise, my body aches for his hairless chest.

But Emma, if things don't happen to work out with that sexy, pre-pubescent suburban tool Jacob, you wanna bang?

Are we doing this right?


In Other News:

Faith - and stock - in United Airlines continues to plummet after an incident this weekend. An elderly couple was removed, against their will, from an Express flight to make room for a United pilot and his seeing eye dog.