President Unveils ObamaCare Replacement
Washington DC - It's been a busy week for Oh Wise and Overripe Ruler Trump. Earlier in the week he repealed Title X (Ten) which was enacted in May of last year by former President Obama. The title called for policing of transgender people who attempted to use the incorrectly assigned bathrooms by way of formerly decommissioned Sentinel Mutant-Hunting cyborgs. With its repeal, transgender individuals will now have to simply use swimming pools as public restrooms.
On a much more exciting note, Oh Gloriously Fair-Haired Simian Leader Trump announced his new Affordable Care Act replacement. The Totally No Longer Affordable For Anyone Who Isn't Wealthy Care Act has been unimaginatively named "TrumpCare," and will be put in place within six months. The plan caters to a small number of people, offering affordable care and low premiums to the following: All members of government (both federal and state) except anyone claiming themselves a Democrat, billionaire oil tycoons, real estate moguls, Russian foreign dignitaries, anyone earning over six figures after taxes, staff members of Breitbart, KKK members, and pets of anyone falling into previously named categories.
As an added bonus, anyone belonging to the aforementioned categories will be rewarded with a $0.00 deductible or co-pay should they say "Would you kindly send my bill to a less-fortunate working stiff?" to their insurance provider after a hospital visit.
All deductibles paid in this fashion will be diverted directly to lower-income tax-payers' federal tax deductions in their paychecks, and are considered non-refundable.
All other citizens not falling under the protection of TrumpCare must register with a care provider on a list of Trump approved pre-selected individuals from each major state county. These providers, as well as their nursing staff, are typically medical school drop-outs or decertified individuals who have been given positions in less prestigious locations as part of Oh Magnificent and Baboon-Faced Dictator Trump's initiative to lower unemployment rates.
Said Reince Priebus, White House Chief of Staff and winner of the 2009 Douchiest Made Up Name by a Rich White Privilege Asshole contest, “Ultimately we had to go with a system that worked for everyone.”
"I was part of the test group for the president's new TrumpCare Act," exclaims underarm deodorant corrosivity tester Wilhelm Weissgerber. "I registered with the only doctor in my county, a Mister Jared Tannenbaum. Turns out he was just a homeless guy working out of a box, and his surgical staff was some unidentifiable breed of dog that only had three legs, two dead rats, and a handful of cockroaches. I checked in with his assistant and secretary Sarah, who is also his road bitch."
Oh Beneficent and KFC-Loving Master and Commander Trump's new health care plan can be signed up for now and has a deadline for enrollment of 28 August.
In Other News:
"Free Speech Warrior" Milo Yiannopolous (yeah, we're not sure how you say it either), senior editor for Breitbart, resigned his position due to recent scandalous talk of pedophilia. The resignation came a few short days after a scathing interview on Bill Maher's politically driven HBO Series Real Time, and proves that alt-right homosexual anti-Semitic white supremacists do in fact exist, and, like unicorns, will be hunted on sight. Yiannopolous has fled the US back to his homeland of the United Kingdom, where it is illegal to hunt "his kind."