deuteranopia

The N3 Goes Historical on Your Ass

Let it never be said that we here at the Neitzel News Network - a bastion of honesty, factual data, and a beacon of truthful reporting - failed to remember, and educate the people on, the happenings in this great country. This being established, we wanted to bring a bit of totally for real, and in no way fabricated, history about one of the most savage acts of terror the US has ever seen. Next to, you know, that September 11th thing, or whatever: The Bowling Green Massacre.

Bowling Green, Ohio, which is southwest of Toledo and Lake Erie, was established in 1855. It was originally called Rolling Green before it was nationally established. However, the mayor of the town, Alton Caldwell, was kicked in the head by a horse he was attempting to "artificially inseminate" (Alton was trying to create a centaur, which is a horse with the torso of a man above the front legs), which left him mildly retarded and with a slight lisp. Mayor Caldwell was often seen streaking down the streets in naught but his socks and shoes screaming "BOWLING GWEEN! BOWLING GWEEN!" at the top of his lungs.

The town which was originally named for the rolling hills of green surrounded by lush, dense forests, was eventually renamed in honor of Alton, who died two weeks after his centaur son ate him when he tried to breastfeed it.

Fast forward 155 years.

In 2010, terror struck the still small town of Bowling Green (which is home to roughly 30,000 people and 10,000 centaur). Early in the morning on March 10th, two Iraqi refugees (whose names are impossible to both pronounce or spell properly without some form of copy/paste, so we'll spare you the details and simply call them... oh, how about Achmed and Muhammad?) summoned forth dozens of extra-planar flying goat-beasts.

Their ritual, which included sacrificing a virgin, burning their favorite Aeropostale T-shirts, eating two pouches of Pop Rocks while downing a can of Coca-Cola, and donating three months' salary to the NAACP, opened up portals to the Ninth Circle of Hell. The portals spewed forth nightmare creatures out of legend: hideous monsters with the faces of a goat, enormous maws full of razor sharp teeth, massive leathery wings, nightmarish claws of ebony, and bloated teats filled with milk. Achmed and Muhammad commanded the creatures to attack the decadent Western filth pig-dogs.

Over 1,500 men, women, children, and centaur died in the first 20 minutes of the attack. There were bombs, laser beams, dirigibles dropping swarms of piranha monkeys (the extra-planar goat-beast's only known natural predator), and plenty of giant purple dildo bats. The attack lasted 16 days and 16 nights. It was on the 16th night that a band of adventurers decked out in high-end raid loot and led by a level 110 grand wizard centaur finally killed Achmed and Muhammad, ending the ritual, and yielding 372 gold pieces, 12 silver pieces, 82 copper, a legendary quest item for a Dark Elf warrior, and at least three epic weapons useable by any class.

As a result of the massacre, then-President Barack Obama places a travel ban on anyone hailing from any country worshipping Islam for 729 days. This was the basis for current President Donald Trump's Muslim Ban.

You see what we did there?

We presented you with a totally fabricated story about a totally plausible act of terrorism that didn't actually happen. But knowing our faithful fan base, you sons of bitches believed every word of it.

Now think if we were the President or one of his top advisors...


In Other News:
Recent Twitter outbursts by our illustrious Commander in Chief have led renowned scientists and doctors to determine that there is, in fact, no cure for being a cunt.