deuteranopia

PornHub to Become Household Name

Adult website, and all around sexual circus, PornHub is vying for a spot in your house with the Wednesday launch of its "informational" sex education-based "Sexual Wellness Center." The site, which is visited by an astonishing 70 million people every day (take notes Digg, CNN, and whitehouse.gov - this is how you make a website!), is known mostly for its incredible selection of adult film movie clips, which are lovingly organized into categories such as: Amateur, Gay, Lesbian, Big Black Cock, Anal Fisting, and Bukkake.

That's just to name a few.

"We're the premiere destination for adult entertainment," said Corey Price, the PornHub Vice President and avid connoisseur of amputee pornography. "And now we'll be the premiere destination for wildly pornographic sexual education. Complete with creampies."

The Sexual Wellness Center is aimed at youth who typically learn about the bodies of men and women by sneaking into their dad's hidden stash of Hustler Magazine and thumbing through the magically glued together pages. The site offers seminars on male and female reproductive organs, basic reproductive health, safe sex practices, and how to appropriately jerk off onto a girl's face without blinding her.

Continued VP Price, "We don't want your sexual education to be taught by some dowdy old lady who's never been bent over a dirty truck stop toilet seat and pounded by sweaty fat guy named Bubba. Your educators need to be practiced in the art of deep-throating, pegging, BDSM, and double anal. Straight out of pornographic cinema retirement, we've hired some of the most well-known stars and starlets to be your guide on this educational journey of self-discovery!"

Price of course refers to the myriad of has-been actors and actresses employed to "educate" in their videos. The most notable addition to the staff is his acting principal, famed starlet Chasey Lain, whose half-deflated tits haven't quite stood the test of time. Miss Lain (and make no mistake, that wallowed out cave of a vagina has never been spoken for) acts as host for every video, often pulling "lesson plans" from the hallway she calls a rectum.

To top off their educational agenda, PornHub site editors have also added widgets to all of their standard videos. When clicked, the widget brings up a porn star or starlet to give educational play-by-play of what's happening in the video currently being watched. We had a chance to test drive this new feature, so we grabbed a bottle of Jurgens, snatched a handful of Kleenex, pulled down our pants, and gave it a spin.

The video we watched began innocently enough: distressed young woman in nothing but her ex-boyfriend's cut-at-the-midriff football jersey and a pair of Daisy Duke cutoffs has a issues with her cable and calls a repairman. The repairman has a rhinoceros penis and speaks in a cliché eastern European accent. Cable fixing ensues, and soon the hapless girl slips and accidentally plows her somehow pantsless backside onto the repairman's erect dong.

Our illustrious PornHub widget helper tells us that the position they begin in is called "Reverse Cowgirl" and that "it's virtually impossible for a woman to get pregnant this way 'because gravity.'"

Soon the video breaks into a vigorous session of rough anal fisting. Our widget guide gives us a "fun fact" and asks us "Did you know that 'fist' can also be a verb? Tee hee!"

By the end, the girl's roommate has returned and joins in on the action and takes a dump on the other girl's chest. Our widget educator informed us that this was called a "Hot Carl, but in the northern states, it's oft referred to as a Cleveland Steamer, and is considered the icing on the cake in a risky threeway with a cable repairman." She also warned us against the dangers of consuming human fecal matter, but by the time she'd finished her statement, the two women were downing it like frozen custard.

The new sexual education services provided by the illustrious PornHub are already available for anyone with a PC, tablet, smartphone, or other internet capable device, but Corey Prince hopes to make it an available On Demand channel offered by cable and satellite providers everywhere by the middle of the year.

Did we mention this article - which is totally not even remotely fake or anything - is totally the plot for The Girl Next Door?



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