Martian Lutheran King Day
People all over the United States of America took time, on Monday, to celebrate the coming of our Lord and Savior, the wise and benevolent Martian Lutheran King. In January of 1867, the skies lit up and marked the coming of Ogg-L'opp Or-Gûlain, a Martian monk who crash landed in Salt Lake City, Utah. Our Savior came with a message of hope and peace: "Put your faith and devotion into me - along with your penises and tongues, and whatever other appendages you deem fit - and you will be eternally rewarded."
Ogg-L'opp, a 735 pound amorphous whale of a creature with seven large eyestalks, twenty-two tentacles ending in green pus-spewing space vaginas lined with jagged teeth, and no fewer than nine oral cavities that can speak in different octaves, hailed from the red planet of Mars. His home, which was a small monastery of monks devoted to Lutheranism known in their tongue as "Ssssn'gr-lllarksa," was destroyed by a fanatical sect of beings from the planet Glorb-u'lôn of the Tango-Reticula Galaxy. After witnessing the destruction of his home, he fled to Earth to spread his teachings - and his space vagina pus - among the races of lesser intellect.
In 1892, the Glorb-u'lôns tracked our Lord and Savior to Utah and mounted a full scale attack. Not wishing to relive the attack on Mars, Ogg-L'opp shared his wisdom and technology with the people of Earth, and armed them with laser horses, battle goats, arc-bound armor suits, Glorb-u'lôn repellent, and giant, floppy dildo bats. Thus began the famed Laser Space Battles For Earth of 1892.
The wars lasted into the 1900's, and both sides took heavy casualties. It wasn't until our King sent a strike team to the Glorb-u'lôn mother ship comprised of nothing but men and women riddled with Syphilis and Small Pox that we gained an upper hand. Incapable of withstanding some of Earth's more terrifying viral infections, the Glorb-u'lôns were forced to retreat our system.
Our Martian Lutheran King ruled peacefully for nearly a hundred more years before passing away quietly - and without pain - in his sleep in 2007. Since that day (January 16, 2007), people have celebrated his life and passing with festivities of varying natures.
In New York City, children gather in the streets, adorning their household pets (cats, dogs, chinchillas, etc) with laser weapons, and attempt to mount them like the laser horses of old.
In Charleston, South Carolina, men take to the bars and clubs, clad with surgically added tenticular prostheses and attempt to woo women, and sometimes other men, to pleasure them in a bizarre mating ritual that many believe could result in the second coming.
Meanwhile, in Salt Lake City - the home of our beloved King - citizens dress death row prison inmates as Glorb-u'lôns and beat them about the face and neck with floppy purple dildo bats before feeding them frenzied schools of fnõrp-nörrgs, a ravenous pig-fish indigenous to planet Glorb-u'lôn, but brought to Earth during the great wars.
Indeed citizens of the - What?
"Martin Luther King Jr.?" Not "Martian Lutheran King?" Are you fucking kidding me? No! Who the hell was that?
He was a fucking MINISTER? And a civil rights activist?
I was wrong.
This whole fucking article is wrong.
In Other News:
The search for missing Malaysian Airlines Flight MH370 has been called off after nearly three years of searching. Chief search supporter/funder Charles Whidmore, a billionaire philanthropist out of London, England, slowly stopped filtering money for the search citing "the survivors are likely in the same place as Australia-departed Oceanic Flight 815," which disappeared over ten years ago.
MH370's 239 crew and passengers are believed to be alive and in a struggle with former DHARMA Initiative members and a massive column of living black smoke that embodies everything that is soulless and evil.
