deuteranopia

The N3's New Year's Resolution

Here at the Neitzel News Network, we take our news seriously. Therefore, for our New Year's resolution, we've decided we're going to be even more up-to-date, historically accurate, unbiased, and totally not fake at all than we've ever been in our 1.25 year existence. In keeping with half of that resolution, we wanted to give you a brief description of where and when New Year's resolutions came to be.

The practice of committing to a resolution at the beginning of the New Year dates back approximately 4,000 years ago to the Ancient Babylonians. The Babylonians, henceforth to be referred to as "Babys," began their calendar New Year in what we now know as March. It was in March that the Babys planted their harvest, crowned new kings, and sacrificed their socially retarded to the gods with promises of paying off debts, good conduct, or not banging their neighbor's wives. Thus, resolutions of the New Year were born.

In roughly 46 B.C. Julius Caesar created the new calendar, starting the New Year in January, named after Janus the Anus, a two-faced god that the ancient Romans believed looked backward on the old year, and forward on the new one. This symbolism, in turn, made the Romans attempt to make good on the New Year by promising various positive deeds, such as vowing to eat healthier, pay their tithes in a timely fashion, or to stop publicly defecating on the homeless or elderly.

In present day America, people make New Year's resolutions as continuation of a tradition of not following through on their promises. We polled 10,000 Americans in every state, and came up with the ten most popular resolutions for 2017:

10. Finish degree in Feminist Interpretive Dance Therapy.
9. Involve self in fewer racially motivated/hate crimes.
8. Try not to creepily mouth-breathe all over the back of that new girl's neck while I clip locks from her head that I will later fashion into a hair doll and eventually cover in buckets of my ejaculate.
7. Murder fewer celebrities.
6. Your mom. Huehuehuehue!!!1!!11one
5. Have foreskin reattached to my dick. It should be MY choice to have a circumcision!
4. Try new and exciting forms of cuisine. Except anything with shellfish. Or fish. Or anything from the sea for that matter. Or vegetables.
3. Learn a real foreign language, not Klingon or Dothraki.
2. Wang more Chung.
1. Cancel that gym membership that I never used from the previous three New Year's resolutions.
We here at the N3 wish you all a Happy New Year and hope that the 8% of you that actually keep to your resolutions continue fighting the good fight.


In Other News:
We had an exciting article lined up about what South Korea is calling its "Decapitation Unit," detailing the workmanship of an automated, grisly decapitation machine, but it turns out that they were merely referring to "cutting the head off of North Korea" in a symbolic sense. We believe this shows a lack of ingenuity and creativity among the South Korean people, and quite frankly makes for boring news.