EDIT: Few days late since I spent NYE drinking and... drinking more.
Concern Hatches Over Hatchimal Toys
Little Jennifer Baumgardener, six year old daughter of Jaina Baumgardener of Kansas City, MO, awoke the day after Christmas to a sinister voice next to her bed. The voice whispered "Let's murder your parents and wear their skin as suits..." Little Jennifer shrugged off the voice at first, but it insisted. "Come on! Stab your mother in the heart and eat her kidneys with some fava beans!"
The source of the terrifying messages: Jennifer's Christmas present, a Hatchimal by Toronto based toy company Spin Master.
"Jennifer came running to my room, sobbing," Jaina, a ring girl at cockfights, recalls. "At first I thought she was just being a pussy, but the next night I put a baby monitor in her room. From the unhatched egg, I could hear the Hatchimal whispering crazy shit into Jenni's ear!"
The Hatchimal was slated to be this Christmas's hottest item for kids between the ages of four and nine. Stores the globe over sold out in record time, much like the "Tickle-Me Elmo" dolls, back in 1996, and the "Lez-B Friends" anatomically correct, life-sized lesbian couple for bi-curious teenage girls, back in 2010. The toy is essentially a giant egg with an animatronic, amorphous bird-dragon thing inside. The children are supposed to incubate the egg by shoving it in their rectal cavities to keep it warm, until it eventually hatches. All the while, the creature inside is supposed to tell the "mother" sweet things to encourage them to take better care of it.
Said Anton Rabie, co-owner of Spin Master, "The Hatchimals were never intended to say such vile things. The first 100,000 that went out were vigorously QA tested, and we were assured that all they said was things like 'hug me!' and 'I love you, mama!'"
Rabie was shocked, then, when he discovered the little robot mutants were prone to saying things like "fuck me" instead of "hug me."
Said Marnie Halloway, a professional mouth-hug specialist and stay-at-home mother, "My eight year old boy, Jonah, begged me for one of these Hatchimals for Christmas. I saw the commercials and thought they looked innocent enough, so I stood in line at the local toy store for ten hours and blew twelve single fathers just to get my hands on one. Then the day it hatched, it came out of its egg and started screaming 'I'm so fucking horny, I'd stick my dick in a menstruating water buffalo to get rid of these big, blue balls!'"
The doll then proceeded to dry hump everything in the immediate vicinity, to include Jonah, before Marnie removed its batteries.
Continued Marnie, "I even put the batteries back in it, in a hope to reset the toy. The creature just looked at me with its glowing blue eyes and shouted 'Bitch! If you try to remove those batteries one more time, I will fuck start your face!' I was terrified! I tried to remove the batteries, and the little bastard made good on his promise. He even knocked out two molars and gave me a black eye. I mean, I'm not saying I didn't enjoy it..."
Preliminary investigations have pointed to factory workers in Canada maliciously changing the programming of the toys as a way to get back at president-elect Donald Trump for threatening to end NAFTA when he comes to office.
The toys are slated to be recalled en masse starting on the first day of the New Year.