deuteranopia

The Alt-Right Strikes Back

The Galactic Republic was rocked today when the Internet was flooded with anti-Star Wars sentiment. Basement dwelling white supremacists the world over banded together to lash out against the historical documents called Star Wars with their hashtagged #DumpStarWars. Star Wars, a historical retelling of totally true events that happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, documents the rise and fall of the Sheev Palpatine's Galactic Empire. The negativity was directed at the newest installment to the historical documents called Rogue One, which chronicles the stealing of the plans for the Empire's Death Star, a tale which has long gone unnoticed.

"This documentary unfairly portrays white men in a Hitler-esque light," exclaims alt-right nutjob David Herman, a feline lobotomist working out of Grand Rapids, Michigan. "It's too empowering to women. And Wookies. And Bith. And Sullistans. And blacks," he continued.

Unofficial alt-right "leader" Richard Spencer sat down with us to share his views.

"The history of the war in the stars is fascinating, but paints white men as a bunch of goose-stepping, lightning wielding, power hungry assholes. It makes us look like we've got nothing better to do than oppress every other race and gender out there. Which, while that's totally true, we'll deny emphatically if cornered."

We asked Dick what he thought about the fourth episode in the historical series that told of the young farmboy from Tatooine, and how he was totally a white guy who saved us all from the Sith.

"You talk as though the Sith were a bunch of bad guys. All that our Lord and Savior Sheev Palpatine wanted was to restore peace and order to the galaxy. And to have the middle class by the short and curlies. And to oppress women and minorities. And to bring public education to its knees with his own privately funded schools of indoctrination. And also, Luke Skywalker was totally a sand nigger. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it."

When asked about the documentation of Rey in episode seven, and how Finn was a black Stormtrooper, Dick got angry and spit a frothy white liquid at us.

"Don't even fucking start with me about Finn. Finn wasn't 'black,' he was a white guy who fell into a giant vat of Unag'ean squid ink, and then didn't have time to wash up for, like, ever. It's all documented in the unreleased chronicles, if you'd ever thought to watch them!"

The unreleased chronicles that the alt-white leader mentioned were an obvious reference to the Everything Donald Trump Said About the History of the Star Wars is Totally True, and if You Don't Believe it, He'll Cut Off Your Fucking Eyelids series given only to the most trusted Trump supporters and alt-right Neo-Nazis. We obtained a copy of it for our own review and found that it was only six and a half hours of Donald Trump calling himself Finn while wearing Stormtrooper armor and shooting Mexicans, Muslims, and other minorities with his blaster rifle, then eating a taco bowl filled with ground cat meat in Trump Tower and using the Koran as a napkin. Rey is played by Kellyanne Conway.

Alt-right neckbeards are planning emerge from their mothers' basements to physically boycott the movie starting Wednesday. Rogue One: A Historical Retelling of the Star Wars opens in theaters this Friday, December 16th.



In Other News:

A mall Santa in Knoxville, Tennessee, is being charged with involuntary manslaughter after a terminally ill 5 year old boy died in his arms at the hospital. Eric Schmitt-Matzen reportedly visited the boy at his parents' behest. When the boy asked for his favorite band, Hoobastank, to do a personal concert for him, Matzen simply laughed, which broke the boy's heart, killing him instantly.