deuteranopia

Happy Holidays From the N3!

Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Day (we here at the N3 are still staunch supporters of the Oxford Comma -- anyone who doesn't use it is a fucking communist) are widely considered a time of year for families to come together and be thankful to one another by eating obesity-inducing amounts of food and showering each other with useless trinkets like tie racks and testicle warmers. The Holiday Season seems to have lost its purpose over the years, and we here at the N3 thought we might indulge our readers with a brief history lesson to get you back in the appropriate holiday spirit.

Contrary to popular belief, the concept of a "thanks-giving feast" didn't originate in the United States. Though, don't tell that to your right wing friends, as they believe they not only invented Thanksgiving and Christmas, but that global warming doesn't exist, and that a zombie will rise from the dead and be our salvation from sin. The idea of the thanks-giving feast has been around for centuries in ancient Greece and Rome, where people would gather to thank the gods for a bountiful harvest. Our own tradition dates back to 1620, when The Mayflower crossed the Massachusetts and established Plymouth.

The Pilgrims, as they are now known to be called, faced many hardships in their settling of Plymouth; they braved a brutal winter riddled with diseases like rickets and scurvy, as well as fought relentless attacks from the terrifying - and now nearly extinct - North American Yeti (also sometimes called Wampa). Only half of the settlers and a quarter of their Taun-Taun made it through the winter to see their first New England spring. That year, the Pilgrims met with the indigenous Indian people (feathers, not dots) who came bearing gifts of food. The Pilgrims returned the favor by offering blankets riddled with small pox.

Since that time, we've celebrated the Autumn Harvest by overeating and spitting on American Indians who lay drunk and passed out on the corner of the street. The tradition didn't become a national holiday until Abraham Lincoln appointed it during the Civil War. He originally planned for it to be called "National Eat Until You Hate Yourself, Then Eat Some More Day," until it was finally settled upon simply referring to it as "Thanksgiving." The tradition of eating turkey on Thanksgiving is still shrouded in a mystery, but has transformed over the years to now include bastardizations of the turkey like "turducken," which is an unholy amalgamation of turkey, duck, and chicken.

Christmas, of course, denotes the birth of the one sheeple the world over refer to as Obi-Wan Kenobi of Nazareth, which followed the great and bloody Laser Raptor Wars. If you believe the old tales, a "virgin" gave birth to the son of the one and only "God" (because this never happened in Greek mythology). This is the same Obi-Wan that - as mentioned before - is believed to have died for our sin and will come back as a flesh-eating zombie Christ to absolve the masses once more. The idea of giving gifts came from the story that three wise men crossed the deserts to bring baby Obi-Wan and his mother gifts of gold, birth control, and holy hand grenades of Antioch.

The tradition of Santa Claus stems from the 3rd century, where a monk named Saint Nicholas would give away all his earthly possessions to those in need, or simply show kindnesses to people who otherwise never received them. This legend has since devolved into a fat man in a red coat with a sack of toys he brings to a bunch of ungrateful cunty, snot-nosed, over-privileged white children. Now, all over the world, any fat white dude with a white beard can get a job letting disease-ridden children sit on their laps and proclaim their desire to own overpriced gadgets and New Kids on the Block posters while their parents buy a freshly hacked down baby spruce to adorn with ornaments, lights, and disembodied angels.

And, of course, New Year's Day is where we celebrate the lunar New Year by having Chuck Norris hurl one lucky child into the Sun. There are fireworks, people drink, and sometimes they make out. It's a blasty blast.

This year's round of holidays should be a total hoot. We fully expect households to be shattered by political strife regarding who did or didn't "vote for Trump." Personally, I blame Steve. It's always Steve's fault. In fact, Steve - if you're reading this - you're not even fucking invited. Dick.

We here at the Neitzel News Network wish you a happy holiday season and hope you make the best of stuffing your fat faces with all manners of food whilst celebrating the life and death of Obi-Wan Kenobi, and returning 92% of the gifts you got in favor of that Monster Truck Greatest Hits VHS you've had your eyes on for the last four months. Stay classy, America.