School Systems to Implement Anti-Bully Programs; Pussies the Nation Over Breathe Sigh of Relief
With the recent suicides of two students less than a quarter year from one another, school systems both public and private are turning to security companies to combat bullying. On August 14th, a disgusting little fatbody from Staten Island named Daniel Fitzpatrick hung himself in his attic with a belt after enduring months of bullying from classmates at his private school. On October 19th, a little 11 year old cancer survivor with a hideous smile named Bethany Thompson shot herself in the head after enduring the same at public schools.
“Enough is enough,” says Melinda Brookshire, a superintendent for the public school system in the state of New Jersey. “We already know the ugly ones are the ones most inclined to be musical geniuses, and the nerds often bullied by jocks typically turn out to be Nobel Prize winners in something science-y. We need to safeguard these little mutant gems, not bully them into suicide.”
In light of the recent suicides, Melinda and a handful of superintendents from other states have worked together to hire a private security firm to handle complaints of bullying in their school systems. Allied Barton, rated the 4th most powerful security firm in the world, picked up the contract to handle security at both public and private schools. Allied Barton is notorious for being huge proponents of the “Hire Our Heroes” program that offers jobs to former military members. A large number of these “heroes” will be stationed at school to provide this security.
Already schools are showing marked improvement.
Said Oconomowoc High School principal Jeffrey Slater, “Allied Barton has been great! They sent me a man who was a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Core!”
Principal Slater went on to tell us how (Ret) Gunnery Sergeant Jack Sixkiller pulled aside all the bullies from that week, lined them up in formation, and referred to them as a bunch of “shaft-accepting, cunty little fucktards,” after which he proceeded to give each of the bullies a wet willy, then take their lunch money to spend on rot-gut rye whiskey.
At Rowlands Hall private school in Salt Lake City, Utah, the headmaster hired former Air Force Technical Sergeant and drill instructor James Payne. We sat in on Payne in a session of Anti-Bully reform. The honorably discharged veteran, and amateur BDSM enthusiast, had the once-bullies going through a rigorous basic training routine.
“Line the fuck up and shut your goddamned cock holsters, you little elitist cunts!” he shouts, as he directs the sniveling masses of wannabe gangsters to form up for their daily rectal breaches. Sergeant Payne provides daily anal cavity searches for illicit materials and anything that can be used as a weapon. To say that he takes pleasure in his job is vastly understating his post. We witnessed Payne as he discovered a shit-covered shiv fashioned from a toothbrush in one unfortunate bully’s rectal cavity.
“Well, well, well,” he grinned with a sinister gleam in his eye before hooking the poor bastard’s underwear backside around his chest in a wedgie of epic proportions. “Looks like one of you little shitstains needs a time out!” The bully in question, one Douglas Eugene, was sent to The Chamber of Neverending Ball-Flicking. He hasn’t been heard from in three days.
If things work out for the new school Anti-Bully Program, schools nationwide - even poorly funded inner city schools - will scrape together the money to implement it and save the pussies from imminent ass-beatings.