Bill Cosby of Pornography Gets Taste of Own Medicine
The “boy next door” of porn, James Deen, has had a career as colorful and riddled with bumps as his un-photoshopped penis. Recent court actions against the bad boy adult film star have landed him several months in jail as he awaits trial for multiple rape cases. Back in November, his former squeeze, and adult film knob-gobbler, Stoya tweeted that James held her down and had sex with her against her will. When asked to elaborate, the actress replied, “at first I thought he was just playing around, but then when I used our safe word, he didn’t stop.” We asked what her safe word was, and she replied, “in hindsight, ‘keep going’ probably isn’t the best safe word.”
Since the series of tweets the professional fuck-mistress posted went live, at least five more cinematic cock wallets have stepped forward to paint James as a rapist and all around fuckstain. Most of them were women he’d dated off-set, who exclaimed that he was simply too rough and trying to make up for the fact that his penis looked like a paint-by-numbers. One of the actresses he did not date, Tori Lux (who you might remember from such fare as Shaft-Accepting Prison Bitches 4 and Eat My Ass, Then Spit in My Dirty Little Whore Mouth 7), stepped forward a couple weeks back to recall her tale of mistreatment.
“I was fresh off the set of Dicks Out For Harambe, our pornographic tribute to the Western Lowlands ape that was murdered because some dumbass kid fell into the ape habitat at the Cincinnati Zoo, when Deen approached me,” she tells us, teary-eyed, likely because of the pool of semen in her ocular cavity. “He started grabbing me and aggressively telling me to ‘smell his balls.’ I said no several times, but he was just too strong. Also, his balls smell like leather from a sweaty watch band wrapped in old, moldering bacon.”
Deen is notorious for his cavalier attitude toward rape, often tweeting things like “Do they make Valentine hearts that say ‘Rape Me’?” and “It’s not rape if you yell SURPRISE right before.” James declined to make a statement on the rape charges, but did not deny the allegations that Tori Lux made about the way that his balls smelled.
Just last night, however, guards at Precinct 41 of the Greater Los Angeles area reported that Deen was singing a different tune, as he was violated repeatedly by his cellmate.
“All we heard was Big John Williamson yell ‘SURPRISE!’ followed by the muffled yelps of pain and whimpering that could have only been Mister Deen crying out for us to stop the brutal ass-pounding, the likes of which he’s probably never experienced before,” recalls guard-on-duty Ronald Ironside.
After his encounter, Deen made a press appearance to apologize for his behavior toward the women accusing him of rape, and to request stitching for his battered asshole.
In Other News:
Democratic Party presidential candidate Hillary Clinton was booed off the stage at a 9/11 memorial on Sunday, when she shouted “Guess what I am!” before buckling her knees and toppling over on her side. Because of her failure at making a 9/11 pun, she feigned being ill and has canceled the next few weeks of her election tour.