Americans Take a Moment to Collectively Vomit as November Inches Closer
Citizens all around the United States took a moment to, as a nation, collectively puke their guts out as the presidential election draws ever closer. The top nominees are in a dead heat, and the population at large is still asking “do we really want either of these shitlords in control of our country?” Most people who follow the election have likened the candidates to some of their favorite Batman characters.
Those who oppose the Democratic views of Hillary Clinton view her as the character “Two Face,” for her scandalous nature, by which she seems to be immune to repercussion, and the fact that she looks like the mutant love child of Sloth from The Goonies and Florence Henderson. One minute she’s calm, collected, and belting out about how supports Pro Life, and the next she’s an out of control mess shouting “I’m Hillary goddamn Clinton and I’m a political fucking prodigy!” as she waves her arms in the air like a whacky inflatable arm-flailing tube man. At one rally she began a long-winded speech about how she would handle the ISIS situation, then froze for a second as an icy glare suddenly took over her unfortunate-looking face. After a momentary pause, she shouted at the top of her lungs about how “the fucking GOP is afraid of me! Those fucking pussies! I’ll take away your guns! All of ‘em!”
“I don’t know that I can vote for someone like her,” said nauseated wormhole patcher Jonathan Frampton. “You just never know what you’re going to get with her. And she seems to be untouchable. I read her description in the Dungeons and Dragons: Monstrous Manual revision 3.5, and it says ‘Clintons are immune to all forms of legal recourse and impeachment.’ Can we actually vote for someone with this ability?”
Said Jonathan’s friend Edmond Tully, director of the pornographic re-imagining of The Diary of Anne Frank, “I don’t think we can have someone like Trump as president either. The man can’t seem to stick to his guns on a single policy.”
Tully refers, of course, to Trump’s wild back-and-forth approach to politics, which is why he’s been likened to the Joker from the Batman series. The xenophobic, isolationist racist has floundered on many political topics, such as his controversial “Muslim ban.” His views on this topic, in order of when he gave them, are as follows: 1. Ban all Muslims! 2. Never mind, just don’t let anymore into the country. 3. Okay, this whole thing was just a “suggestion.” 4. No, wait… BAN THEM ALL! 5. Just kidding. Only ban the ones who hail from “countries with a history of terrorism.” 5. Look, it’s not about Muslims. It’s about “Muslims.”
In the wake of school shootings and other mass murders around the country, Trump has also brought the topic of gun control into his already weak political portfolio. As follows, his views on guns in school: 1. No guns in schools! 2. Well, except teachers. Yeah, teachers should have guns! 3. Okay, you’re right. No guns in schools! 4. Well, what if we had trained gunmen guarding schools? 5. More guns saves lives! 6. Jesus was a handgun!
All we, the American people, can do is idly sit by, spew the contents of our stomachs onto the curbside, and hope that Batman comes back to our tattered nation to save us all.
The election is set to take place on the 8th of November.
In other News:
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